On Argentina, action and children

Arg, por qué Argentina?! Por qué perdiste ante Alemania? En los penales, pa' colmo?! Bueno, yo iba a los dos equipos...pero quería que Argentina ganaran...y perdieron. Aunque viste, si Alemania hubiese perdido, hubiera sido tan pero tan humillante, porque la copa está en Alemania (los juegos mejor dicho), y estaban jugando con un público gigantesco de alemanes. Pero, no todo 'stá perdido. ITALIA! 3-0 contra Ukrania. Tengo que decir que el arquero de Italia es tremendo, ese tipo en verdad sabe lo que hace. Ahora juegan contra Alemania en los semifinales. Fuck yeah.

Ah, estoy escribiendo por lo menos parte de este entry en español, por que siento que, por escribir en inglés la mayor parte del tiempo, estoy dejando atrás a lectores que quizás solo saben español. Pero hasta aquí llega, ya el resto va a ser en inglés como de costumbre.

So that's done and over with. Now, I found this on YouTube, so I'm posting it.



It has my favorite fight scene in all of FFVII: Advent Children. Now, I'll admit, the movie's plot was nearly non-existant, but I'll be damned if the action scenes weren't good. Sadly, this is the English version, and the voices range from good to terrible. Better than nothing though.



Nothing I say will make this more funny and wrong than it already is. Nothing.

On Krypton and old classmates

"Information is not knowledge."
-Albert Einstein

What I like most about this quote is the fact that it correlates to one of my favorite books: Technopoly by Neil Postman. I had to read this back in eleventh grade, alongside 1984 by George Orwell. It's not my favorite book because it's exciting or dramatic, because, in all truth, it can be a very boring book if you're not reading with the right mentality. It still became a favorite though because if its subject matter: it's about how our societies are slowly giving up control over their own culture and instead relying on machines and computers and technology. Now, I'm an Internet addict as much as any other person my age, but between deciding what's right for myself or letting a computer decide, I think I'll stick to my head. I might have some screws loose and some more missing, but I trust myself more than the impending rise of computers.

Anyway, I'll stop waxing philosophical for a bit. I was out today, as usual, and when I made my last stop at Subway before heading home, who should I find but an old classmate of mine from middle school. As I'd said in another entry, I have fond memories of high school, and I still think it contributed to helping me turn away from the dark path I'd been walking on. It wasn't the sole reason, mind you, because to change as a person, you yourself must want to change, and at some point in tenth grade, I'd met my best friends, saw that they were normal people and that I wanted to be somewhat like that too. Middle school, by comparison, screwed me up for life, and it's one period of my life that I don't look back on very fondly. A quite personal event sometime before that kinda started everything, but it still sucked.

This classmate of mine, though, was one of the few people I knew could genuinely be nice to me and not abuse me or step all over me. It felt weird seeing her after so much time. Last time was the prom actually. I could tell that not only I had changed, but so had she. Apparently she's engaged, but it's going to be a long engagement till she and her fiance both finish college, which is nice to hear. It was still startling to see how much we'd both changed. Funny thing with me is that I don't really notice how much I change, because I tend to act the same on the outside.

But what was more startling was how after talking to this girl again, I feel that I can finally let go of my time in middle school. I'll still hate it, and I'll still wish it had never happened, but I can just let go of it now. If anyone were to ask me, rather than shrug, I'll say it straight out: middle school sucked for a lot of reasons, but I'm still alive and I managed to survive, and I managed to become a better person than I was. Besides, I don't entirely regret it, because if I were to wish for that time to change and for it to have never happened, then I wouldn't be who I am today, for better or worse.

And now, in honor of Superman Returns, a lovely comic from the guys at Penny Arcade.



I'm reminded of the guy from that show American Dad, I seriously am.

On age

As most of you know, I'm 18...but, as of next week, I'll be 19. Go me, I'm getting older. Still, it's an odd feeling. I like being 18 a lot, despite the fact that I still have limitations (which won't go completely away till I'm 21). Being 19, thus far, doesn't strike me in any particular way. It doesn't stand out. I'm just one year away from being the 2-0. Actually, being 19 would make it the tenth anniversary of a particular point in life that I still struggle to come to terms with. Other than that, I'm not really sure how to feel.

Hmm...maybe on one side I'll feel slightly more mature, like I'm taking a step in the right direction. This may or may not hold up to be true, considering how extremely immature I can be at times. As they say, age is just a number, and it's true. If we lived on some planet that had no gravity, we'd never physically age. We just age because of gravity. We also age because of a lot of other biological reasons, but shush, don't spoil my lil theory here. Right at this moment, getting older has me slightly apprehensive, but at the same time, I don't really mind the thought. I get the feeling I'll live a long life, so I don't see why getting old should bother me. It'll happen anyway.

Anyway, I'll be 19, still young enough to act as stupid as I want, and old enough to have responsibilities, and that's more than enough. When it actually is my birthday, I might rant a little more, supposing I have nothing to do that day (because I usually end up celebrating my birthday before or after the actual day).

On weird dreams and fetching

My top five weirdest dreams that I can remember.

1. I once dreamt that I was out at Nono's over in Viejo San Juan, drinking with a bunch of friends, and in steps Alf. We were all laughing, and then I see Alf and I say, "hey, it's Alf, put up a chair buddy!" And we keep drinking and laughing with Alf.

2. I dreamt that I was helping Tidus from Final Fantasy X become alive again to reunite with Yuna. He had to retrieve the Sorcerer's Stone from some evil person's clutches, but failed because, being a ghost, he can't touch anything. Saddened, he returned to his shack, where he lived with Sam, Frodo and Gandalf The Grey.

3. I once gave a Power Point presentation to George Lucas's team on how to make movies. I even remember George was sitting in the front, taking notes and paying close attention.

4. I had an entire dream in comic book panels. Everything that happened was stuff that normally happens to me on any given day...except it all happened in separate panels, with sound effects and everything.

5. I dreamt that I was part of a team of scientists that discovered that the planets in the universe were polluting it, so we came up with a project to shrink said planets and bury them here on Earth. Only problem was that they also wanted to do this with the Sun, and I spent most of my dream trying to prevent this.

I swear to God I'm not on drugs.



If you ask me, the dog is smarter than Superboy is.

On reaching the limit and kitties

As you all know, I've been on this exercize routine of mine almost ever since I started this blog. Lately, I've been skipping days, but on the whole, I'm still on track. I think so far, my only big disappointment is that I seem to have reached my limit in terms of how much I can handle. Hard as I've been pushing, there's just no budging that limit. I'm trying to figure out why I can't push this limit forward. When I used to do ballet, I handled a lot more physical exercize than what I'm currently doing, and I still managed to have the normal amount of energy like everyone else. Let's just forget that I'd fall asleep in class for a sec.

I suppose this has me thinking as to what might happen if I reach my limits elsewhere in life. Like, what if one day I find the limit of my acting talent, and fail to expand from there? Right now, it's not a problem, because I've been able to interpret quite a variety of different roles, and I've been able to reach out into all extremes of emotional portrayal. I've yet to find my limit. Someday though, I might find that limit. What'll I do then? Will I simply accept it and realize that I am human, and therefore I have my limits? Or will I be as stubborn as I always am and continue trying to push the unmoveable barrier that seems to be there?

I think though that the reason humans can continue to create and to live and to amaze and astound is the fact that we're always searching for our limits. We might not find them for a long time, or we might already know how far we can go. But, while that limit is there, it serves as a measuring stick for us. It serves as a way to reach out and touch and see if we're there or not, and how many times have we actually pushed ourselves to our limit. Some of the most awe-inspiring things on this earth are things that were created when people were searching for their limits.

In a way though, those who never find their limit, and who continuosly (sp?) push and push...they're the lucky ones, and they're the truly talented ones. If you don't know where your limit is, or how long it'll take to reach it, you can spend so much time creating and thinking and feeling without that obstacle, and as you keep on creating and thinking and feeling, what comes out will always be better than the last. Those who've found their limits, it's not to say that they become completely stagnant and unfeeling. But some of those who find their limits tend to dig themselves into a rut that's nearly impossible to climb out of. Others, though, are much more capable of accepting their limits and they continue to create awe-inspiring things within their limits.

Am I scared of finding my limits? To be honest, not at all. What I am scared of is never being able to keep on reaching out to find my limit, and to remain continuosly stagnant in life and in everything I do. So long as I continue to reach out and feel my way around, that's when I'll be happiest, not stagnant or simply watching things pass by me. This is probably why I'm still stubbornly pushing myself in my exercize routine. I know I can do this, I know I can do this...



Um, Robin? Kittens? What?

On flirting and Superboy Hitler

There are a million and one ways to flirt. I'm not an expert, but I am quite confident in my skills. If I try hard enough, I can wrap 4-5 guys round my fingers in a single night, and I have done it several times too. But, I'm not going to make a how-to guide on how to properly flirt here, mainly because there're too many things to cover. I'd be better off writing a guide on how NOT to flirt for men. And that's more or less what I'm about to do.

No step by step guide here. Just a scenario all men looking to either get into a serious romantic relationship or just want to bring a cute chick back home with them. There's no way in hell you'll ever get a girl to even look at you if all you do is say, "Heyyyy, you're cute, I'll bet she's 18 guys, and damn look at those boobs and ass, my name's [thisname], my phone number's [thisnumber], call me!" On the plus side, it's been awhile since I've punched anyone, so that felt immensely good.



Too bad he can't ever be a proper Nazi youth unless he bleaches his hair.

On alcohol, drugs and piggy back rides

You know what? I have a rant at the back of my head nagging at me like no tomorrow, so I'm going to torture you all and write it here. Gezuntide.

So, as I'm sure I've made obvious, I have no qualms myself of drinking every now and then, and on occasion, getting mildly drunk. For me, it's a way of just forgetting stuff and of having fun with friends, but I never ever let myself go overboard. But. I absolutely HATE people who make a fucking habit out of it, as in people who are heavy drinkers, who get drunk every fucking day, and who don't give a fuck about what the people who cares about them thinks. I really fucking hate it. Okay, so if you're someone I don't know, someone who is basically an aquaintance or just a casual buddy, I really won't give a fuck. Fuck with your life however you want really. But I hate it when people I DO care about are like this. I hate it when they treat alcohol so fucking lightly.

Do you know WHY I don't like it? I'll tell you why. I don't like it because they don't give a fuck about whether or not they might be hurting the people they're close to. I don't like it because when you're drunk, you're a completely different person, and you might hurt people that way, physically or mentally. And I absolutely fucking hate it because most of the time, they don't care about what happens to themselves. Well why DON'T you care about yourself? Why DON'T you give a fuck about the people who care about you? Is it that you're so convinced that no one cares that you do it? Is it your fucking fallback because you can't handle something in life? Or are you just so fucking arrogant that you think nothing will happen? What is it?

And you know what? This doesn't just apply to alcohol. It extends itself to drugs too! Because it's the same train of thought. Sure, nothing'll happen, it's just once in a while, it doesn't matter. To me it does matter. So you don't care and you're arrogant enough to think nothing'll happen, okay. But what about me and anyone else watching? I've spent my whole damn life watching people do this kind of thing with alcohol and with drugs. They drop out of school and you never hear of them again, they screw their brains up so bad that they can barely make it past school, they take things out on you physically or verbally. Worst of all, slowly, they completely change into different people, and you wonder if you ever even knew them in the first place. That's what hurts the most, and I hate it. It's not that I want to tell people what to do, because I myself hate it. I just hate having to see what this kind of shit does because I've had to see it so many times already. And the sad part is, the people who're supposed to matter, me or anyone else, really don't matter at all, because they just don't care anymore.

Well, that was a short-lived rant, but it was the essence of what I wanted to say. If I say anymore, I'll just snap. Hell I already feel like punching or kicking walls. The kicking part would actually be a bad idea for my bad knee. The last time I did that when I was pissed I could barely walk for a week. Oh how that knee might haunt me when I start getting old. Anyway, howzabout something funny now?



They're either trying out for ballet, or it's a piggy back ride. You guys decide.

On me and being fat

I think my first entry here was a quick summary about myself. I kind of feel like redoing that again in this entry. Part of the reason is that it was a copy paste from a similar entry I did over at my LiveJournal, when I got a huge flood of people on my friends list, and I figured they should get a rundown of who the hell I am. And the other reason is that I feel like writing a little about myself, despite my inclination to avoid talking about myself most of the time. So here goes I suppose.

Hello, nice to meet you all. Well, no, I haven't met any of you, but hey, I have faithful readers who enjoy written torture, so good enough. My full name (first anyway) is Diamar, literally translated as day and sea, how rockin' is that? I'm told it's actually a rare name in Spain, and not something totally made up. When I was in elementary school it was one of the many things I was teased and bullied for, but somehow, I still absolutely love it. But, for the record, you can all call me Di. I prefer it since it's easier to remember for our ADD-ish lives.

I'm an eighteen year old female, and I'll be ninteen in about two weeks. In most places in the US, I'd be 100% able to do whatever the hell I want, but being here, half of stuff you have to be eighteen for and half you have to be twenty one, which sucks. I'm supposed to be a college student, entering her second year sometime soon. There're a few problems with that though. First, I had to skip this spring semester, because I wasn't able to pay my dorms from the previous semester on time, and they fucking canceled my enrollment. Second, I really really want to move out and start diving into the movie biz hardcore. But we'll see what happens. Anyway, in college, I'm a Theater major, and the time I spent during my first semester in my concentration courses were awesome.

Basically, I consider myself an actress and a writer. It took me most of my life to figure it out, but thank God I did. I was gonna study biology. Eww. Funny thing is that when people meet me and see me and the way I am normally, they wouldn't think I'm an acting type at all, and yet, I never fail to impress. That's because I have the ability to understand any kind of character and play as them. And, so it seems, this ability transfers itself to my writing, as my one big strength in writing is character portrayal. It's a knack. Anyway, I'm just mostly an amateur in both writing and acting, seeing as I haven't gotten anything published yet, nor have I been able to appear in any official plays, much less movies. But hey, one thing at a time.

My personality, on the whole, is a mix of stuff. Mainly though, I am an aloof, absent-minded, and quite laid-back. I also usually remain in the stoic area, occasionally come off as taciturn, and I have a habit of saying a lot of things I shouldn't. When I'm with people I trust I relax more though, and I can come off as either more normal or even more twisted, depends on your definition of normal and twisted. Despite my mellow side, on very rare occasions, I can and do snap, badly, mainly because I have a short temper that I usually surpress. This doesn't happen very much though, so unless you piss me off, you're safe. I also have a very cruel evil streak, but it's really not that bad. I'm a very kind and loyal person to those who earn it.

The way I view life and things in general is also something not quite normal. There are a lot of things that I don't see the normal way, and most of my opinions and thoughts are quite unconventional, but this doesn't really bother me. Why I turned out like this is a total mystery to me though. Maybe I was Ghandi in my last life, that would so totally rule. But, to sum up, I am awesome with a dash of cool and a side of evil and intelligence.

This paragraph should be a summary about life till now. I was born in Colorado, lived in Panama for two years, Kansas for two years, Conneticut for five years, then I moved down here to Puerto Rico and I've been here since. I've been in private school most of my life, though some of it was Catholic school. Run by nuns. The high school I went to was Escuela Secundaria San Germán Inter, and I enjoyed most of my time there. We constantly competed with the guys at SESO for lots of stuff, mostly in Forensics League and top grades and stuff, and students too. The details of my life in general I don't feel like giving out though.

Interest-wise, I have lots of favorite things. I like anime and manga, but not all of it. Favorite anime would be FLCL, favorite manga would be a tie between Fruits Basket and Naruto. I love movies as well. Some favorites include Kill Bill, Pirates of the Carribean, LOTR, Star Wars (original trilogy ftw), Memoirs of a Geisha, the old Pink Panther movies, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and quite a few more. And I absolutely love music, so much so that I have to put a list of my fav bands here.

The Flaming Lips
Bright Eyes
Green Day
Nirvana
AFI
A Perfect Circle
Lacuna Coil
Xiu Xiu
Gorillaz
Bad Religion
The Pillows
Air
Unwritten Law
Incubus
Jimmy Eat World
My Chemical Romance
Nightwish
Saosin
Broken Social Scene
The Postal Service
Paramore
Modest Mouse
Bloc Party
The Cloud Room
The Arcade Fire
HIM
From First To Last
Queens of the Stone Age
Boxcar Racer
Sneaker Pimps
DJ Tiesto
Black Flag
The Appearance
Sex Pistols
The Ramones
Anti-Flag
Pearl Jam
The Dresden Dolls
The Strokes
Dropkick Murphys
The New York Dolls
La Secta
Audio Karate
Rise Against
Reggie and the Full Effect
The Clash
Jumbo
Refused
Social Distortion
Bouncing Souls
Misfits
The Dead Milkmen
Mindless Self Indulgence
Dead Kennedys
Depeche Mode
The Velvet Underground
Violent Femmes
Iggy Pop
Suicidal Tendencies
Sonic Youth
The Pixies
MC5
Kiss
ZZ Top
From Autumn To Ashes
Ra
Say Hi To Your Mom
World Leader Pretend
Angels & Airwaves
Calle 13

There. I love music.

I think this completes this entry. You can go bang your heads against walls for reading more about me now. Oh, and...



Thanks Brit, for restoring some of my self-esteem. I no longer feel fat.

On driving and plot changes

I don't get a chance to do this often, mostly because I don't have a car, but when I can, I like taking random, aimless drives. They usually help me think, much like the way aimlessly walking does. But with driving, it's a lot more fun because I can blast my music loud and just go to other places farther away from town, like Borders. As boring as this town might be half the time, I will always love it for its rural roads. The town still has a lot of areas like that, and I love to drive through those roads, even if some are too narrow and you could seriously get in a bad accident at night or something.

'Cause see, when I do that, walking or driving aimlessly, I really do tend to just lose myself in thought, using just enough to, say, cross the street or make sure I don't crash into the car in front of me. It's the best way for me to think things out and make thought-out decisions, as opposed to my usual method of deciding things on a whim. And sometimes, deciding things on a whim can be bad (though it usually turns out good for me). I'm one of those people who likes to spend time just thinking or reading or something of the sort. If I could get paid to just think and nothing else, I'd be a millionare. I realize though, that this is probably part of the reason why people perceive me to be strange, twisted and aloof, but that's fine with me. I don't like being considered normal anyway.

I also like parking my car somewhere along these roads and just sitting on the hood for a bit, watching things. That's just what I did today. I found a nice spot alongside a rural road, in front of a field with cows and a few houses, so I parked, left my music on, sat on the hood, and smoked a cigarette while watching it all. It was nice. People don't take the time to sit back and watch life move by nowadays. We're all too busy, too pressed for time, to notice both the big and small things. It's all just what's going on right now, and even though I consider the present and living in the present to be really important, that's not all we should do. We shouldn't forget that this world isn't about just us living in it. There are a lot of other things that go on, all the time, and sometimes, just watching it all go by can teach you a valuable lesson.

So, I finally started revising my first novel. Go me. I'm thinking, and if I decide to go for it, I'm going to end up changing an entire plot arc by the time I'm done. This depends on how doable this is without ruining the rest of the story though, but we'll see. Thankfully, I have all the chapters backed up in their own files on Word, so if it turns out to be bad or makes no sense, then I'll just replace the necessary chapters. I'm gonna try writing in my new novel tomorrow too. I'd like to see if I can't get it done soon.

Finally, I share with you all my favorite episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.



"Hey guys, I thought you wanted juice. Guys?"

On hell and thoughts

So, for those who've started reading my novel, thank you. It's quite appreciated, lemme tell you. Hopefully, I'll start revising it soon. Like, later tonight soon. If I feel like it. Well, I should feel like it. I placed a goal on myself to get it published by the end of this year, and I intend to fulfill that goal even if it kills me. Though, preferably, I'd like to, y'know, not die in the process. Also because I started writing a new novel already, and I have yet another one that I've had since 2003. I've barely written in it though, since I'm stuck. But, I have faith that sooner or later, the concept will completely tie itself together and I can sit and write.

Anyway, all this about writing and publising has me thinking. I have no idea how to get a book published. I haven't the slightest clue where to start, where to go, what I'm supposed to do, how does the whole thing work. In short, I'm lost in this. I think what I need is just a slight push in the right direction for me to get this whole publishing thing going. I mean, what exactly am I supposed to do? Send this to publishing houses or set up appointments or what? It's all kinda confusing and complicated. Maybe if I ran a search on Google something'll pop up. Google's awesome like that. Hey, gotta look somewhere, right?

All this thought of how to get things published though also gets me thinking about my wish/dream/goal to become a top-tier actress. Where the fuck do I start? No, really. Do I get some kind of agent who'll get me small roles and stuff, and work my way up slowly but surely? Do I look up auditions myself? I'm not doubting the fact that I will be one of the most talented actresses this world'll see, but it's still nerve wracking to think about where it is I'm supposed to start. 'Cause once I know where to start, the rest falls in place, it's always been like that for me. That, and if there's one good quality I have, among my twisted ones, it's that I'm a goal-centered person. I might lack motivation at times and I might be lazy, but when I have a well-defined goal set, I work hard and long till that goal is met. Thank God I'm like that, otherwise I wouldn't have the motivation for this.

Funny thought though. What'll happen when I become famous and people find this blog and realize "hey WOW it's this girl from this movie, she was totally awesome in it!" or "this is the author of that book? Wow, gotta read!"? Well, maybe not the second, since I plan on publishing under pennames. But still. The thought of a boatload of fans reading this is motivating, satisfying, creepy and scary all at the same time. But that doesn't scare me as much as the thought of papparazzi. I figure if I just ignore that whole deal and keep my private life private (the way it should be), it might not be such a problem. Another good quality I have is that I'm so aloof with my head in the clouds that fame and money probably won't do a thing to change me. I'd probably just use the fame to do crazy awesome stuff and the money to build my own giant robot. But hey, if you had the opportunity, you'd do the exact same thing. Don't say you wouldn't, I can see you.

I wonder when it was I started thinking that I'd be at the top one day. Hmm...I think I've always thought that. I'd used to watch movies or TV shows and instead of thinking of the people in it as faraway objects that are just for entertainment, I'd think of them as my predecessors, the people that I'd be replacing someday with my own talent. I've been told I'm a good actress since first grade, even though I didn't really start believing in myself till high school. And I've had a knack for writing, even if I didn't really see it as such till some time ago. I'd always been indecisive as to what it is I'd be in the future, but maybe it wasn't that I was indecisive. Maybe I was just gravitating around different things, subconsciously deciding whether or not this or that would suit me, and if I decided that it didn't, I'd move on to something new. Considering I haven't changed my mind about acting or writing, and that I've decided to give the music world a whirl too, I think I've finally settled on my true callings. I'm glad anyway, nothing's worse than gravitating through life without meaning or purpose.

Today was a pretty good day too. 'Twas sunny at the beach. I also decided to reread Fruits Basket, probably one of my favorite manga series, and been playing LoZ: Wind Waker a little more. Now, instead of sailing aimlessly, I'm now sailing around, finding charts which I have to get deciphered for insane amounts of in-game money, to later go to the spots and dig up whatever it is I have to dig up. Ugh, I have a headache just thinking about it.

And now, Happy Father's Day. I leave you with AMV Hell 3: The Motion Picture. If you have about an hour and eight minutes to kill, go ahead and watch it, even if you don't like anime or don't know what it is. It's pure hilarity.



The sound quality's horrible, but that's because the YouTube version went from being the original 700MB to about 78MB, so it's easier to load.

Also, Italy and the US tied in their game yesterday. Damn you Italy, you should've effin' won! Then again, with the US going on complete defense, it's not a surprise.

On a variety of random things.

Alrighty folks, I am here to occasionally oblige whenever I feel that I'm not too lazy to do it. It's a good thing I have my novel posted at FictionPress, so this makes it easier for you all to go over and have a read. The title is still tentative, because I'm not sure if it's the title it should have. So, I can sum up the whole thing in this sentence: it's simply the life of one girl and how she gets by it all. Now that you've read that, pretend you didn't read it, because I suck at summaries. So, go on over to FictionPress and read up on Seasons, my first complete novel. Now that it's done, I need to go revise it. There are a lotta places where I need to fix sentence structure, because, out of habit, when I write in English I tend to write sentences the way I would in Spanish. The troubles of being bilingual. At least this means I'll be able to score more jobs when I move to the US.

On another note, I found Amanda Palmer of the Dresden Dolls blog here on Blogger. It's quite an interesting read, to say the least. It also just confirms my belief that she definetely has screws loose in the head. I like people like that, the ones that aren't afraid of hiding their small insanities. It's like one of my favorite quotes: "We're all a little broken, we're all a little twisted, we're all a little less than we could be, or want to be." Said by Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes, an emo yet completely enjoyable indie band from Nebraska. Actually, it's more like "Conor Oberst and whoever the hell he brings with him on tour", but let's not fret over small details.

I was watching CNN Headline News the other day, and they were going on about this video of kids who ganged up on police or something like that, and then posted the video over at Myspace. There was also this news going around about a fifteen year old girl who was going to the Middle East to see this guy she met at Myspace. Okay, there are more than a few things wrong with these scenarios. First, even though I have a Myspace account, I use it for the sole purpose of keeping up with my crew of buddies from college, since most of them have a Myspace, and I can figure out when this or that is happening. So I just log in once a week or so to check it out, and that's it. In actuality, I can't stand the whole idea of Myspace. Gee, let's post a pic about ourselves and decorate our profiles with useless videos and crap that either takes forever to load or just crashes my browser entirely. And then let's meet these hot guys who's faces you can barely see or these chicks with huge boobs taken from an "angle". You do NOT go to Myspace to meet potential soul mates, and you do NOT upload videos of violence against police officers at Myspace. I'll just go ahead and blame their stupidity, not their parents.

On a quick, random note: between the horrible N-Gage and this homebrew L64, I'll take the L64. It's a portable N64 for cryin' out loud! I can finally play Ocarina of Time and Goldeneye on the go! Well, if I had the money to buy it. In all truth, if I had the money, I'd be buying myself that shiny new DS Lite. And I just might as my birthday present to myself.

Also, I love my iPod Nano, but I wish I'd gotten the 30GB one. Then again, I didn't have the money for it. Damn you Apple.

Now that I'm done rambling, I leave you with my absolute favorite Looney Tunes skit, ever.



EVER.

On college tuition and freedom

Paying for college tuition blows. I hate the whole deal. Alright, sure, college isn't free, I know that, and you know that. That's okay, I can deal. There are a few things about that with which I can't deal with though.

First, I hate how you're charged up the ass in credits, and then, try as you might to pay your whole balance (tuition plus dorms plus whatever the hell they fell like charging you for), if you don't have it paid off by [insert date], then you're screwed. "Oh yes, we offer a wide variety of financial aid y estamos comprometidos en ayudar a usted a pagar sus estudios...oh wait, you didn't pay off the remaining balanced? Sorry, we're gonna have to cancel your enrollment for this semester." Yeah, you guys care SO much, don't you?

And see, another funny thing here is that about 90% of most financial aid available is only available to those with economic need. Economic need my fucking ass. Those who supposedly need the money don't even use most on college. They pay what they need to, and they use the rest to buy themselves fancy cars, rent out swanky apartment and to buy their fucking weed. While those, like myself, who barely qualify for financial aid, have to sit by, bust our ass to pay our way, and get not a dime from either the college or from the federal government. If you ask me, instead of basing each and every stupid scholarship, federal or otherwise, on economic need, how 'bout taking a look at the fucker's grades? 'Cause, I dunno, I don't think it's fair to deny more federal aid to the person who got good grades in high school, but approve it to the schmuck who barely scraped by in high school but is supposedly poor.

Finally, when all hope is lost, when work study, part-times and any other cash you can scrape from corners just isn't enough, what do they do? They tell you to get a goddamned loan. On top of any other loans you already got from the federal government. Oh, awesome, just what I need, a loan or five to pay off college, only to be in miserable debt when I graduate. See, if you ask me, it's a fucking conspiracy. You take loans to pay through college, you get your degree in God knows what, business or philosophy or whatever, and then, soon as you get a job, your paychecks are not only devoted to general living expenses, but also to pay off those fucking loans, which is also money you could be using on other loans to buy a car. Car > college loan. Thank you, capitalist pigs.

Well, in other news, I'm nearly finishing up my novel. I've finally got inspiration on how to write the ending, so I should be wrapping that up as soon as I'm done typing this entry. I also got inspiration for a new novel. I'm basing it around the concept of freedom and around 1984. The main character's male, but I'm modeling his inner thoughts around my own. His personality's way more twisted than mine though. The main character for my first novel is a lot more like me in general. Anyhow, yeah, I'm gonna just be playing with that concept and see how it goes. This second novel won't be long. In fact, it'll probably be just a tad longer than Aura by Carlos Fuentes. My point isn't to make it long, I just want to get a point across.



Old comics are the best, if only because half the time they have hilarious innuendos or they just don't make sense.

On anime and video games

I've got about five torrent windows up and running right about now. I probably shouldn't have so many open, because, much as I love this computer for being mine, it doesn't have enough RAM to hold up with too many things open. Plus, I'm also using Firefox, which is a total RAM hog, despite being miles and miles ahead of IE (and most other browsers). I guess you could argue that Opera might be better, but I doubt that. That, and I need harddrive space for music and for what my torrent windows are downloading.

Anyway, I happen to be downloading season two episodes of Tsubasa: Resevoir Chronicles. Sadly, I missed the last episode of the first season, because it got licenced recently. And, the policy that these online anime subtitlers' (known as subbers I think), is to take down a project as soon as it's licenced. 'Course, anime like Naruto is still being subbed, but that's because they're about a million miles ahead over in Japan (just like the comics). I don't usually bother downloading anime, or buying it, or watching much of it anymore. I was motivated to start on this one last year because it's based on one of my current favorite mangas (same name). On the whole though, I will be one of those to tell you that nowadays, a good eighty to ninety percent of anime sucks. The bad kind of sucking too.

The problem, first, is that a lot of anime that gets done is based off manga. Look, I dunno about most Japanophile kawaii-wai jackasses out there, but for the most part, I'm really just not interested in anime adaptions of series' that I could easily either buy for much cheaper at Borders, or download with a lot less hassle (because some pages of manga is a lot smaller than an episode of anime in terms of megabytes...each episode of Tsubasa I'm downloading is about 172 MB each). Also, a lot of the time, the quality of the animation and of character design is extremely subpar when compared to the manga.

And that's another problem in and itself. Anime gets rushed out too fast, the animation is terrible sometimes, and it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Of anime studios out there, the only one I have a little respect for is Gainax, because they brought out two of the greatest original anime series out there: Neon Genesis Evangelion and FLCL. Neither are based on anime, and both became extremely populer. Evangelion especially, there are a heck of a lot of nerds out there who love the series. Evangelion's animation quality ain't that great, but its subject matter completely makes up for it. FLCL is in a class of its own, I'd need to devote an entire entry to explain its brilliance.

Finally, more than the anime itself, I hate the fans of it on this side of the world. They think each and every series that gets licenced here is ten times better than anything that could be released from here. They get a warped idea about what Japan might be like based on some animated cartoons about a big-breasted robot girl living with a loser in high school with the power to grant wishes at the expense of said loser's limbs. Japan is not like that at all. Japan has both its good and its bad stuff, just like any other damn country in the world. You go try living there, go ahead and see if you can handle that fucker of a culture shock when you realize that there ARE no robot girls out there waiting to grant wishes for you if you sacrifice your arm. And while I'm at it, American people should stop trying to draw their own manga and stick to American style comics. Manga is JAPANESE manga. You're not Japanese, you're AMERICAN.

But you know, something I find mildly amusing is the fact that Japanese stuff can sell so well on this side of the world, but the Xbox 360, a Microsoft product, is doing terribly in Japan, just like the Xbox before it. Still, as much as I hate anything Microsoft (I'm sorry, but the Xbox systems have absolutely no games that interest me, at all), they might gain more ground when the PS3 is released. God, $600? What the hell is Sony thinking? People will still buy it sure, but goddamn, that system had better have games so awesome they make me cream in my pants. I don't have $600 to waste on a goddamned console. If I had that kind of money, I would've been out of here and in Chicago right now. No, if you ask me, Nintendo honestly has the right idea this time around (finally). They have the cheapest console, and they're out to get normal, non-gaming people (wich is a huge market in and itself). Plus, that control of theirs looks mighty interesting. A lot of cool games could be made taking advantage of that. Pricewise, $250 > $400 > $600. Yeah, Nintendo has the right idea.

Anyway, back to poking my torrents. Oh good, one's finally done. Four to go. By the way, I'm still stuck sailing in Wind Waker. Dear God. Yeah, I'm a nerd. And damn proud.



The Amazing Spider Man, doing what a spider can to...combat illiteracy. Okay, I can see the point, but kindly take out War of the Worlds. I'm sorry, but there's just no making me forget that horrible movie with that bastard Cruise.

On the origins of my blog title

So, where did the title of my blog come from? Was it from a profound moment of epiphany? Or some kind of realization as to who it is I am? Well, not really. I got the idea from the lyrics of The Perfect Fit by The Dresden Dolls. On the whole, I consider myself a good-for-nothing and a deadbeat in general, so when I heard this song for the first time, it felt as though it was written for people like me. And I also figured that maybe there'd be people on this wide 'Net interested in reading the thoughts of a good-for-nothing deadbeat. Actually, I sorta thought that maybe I was deluding myself, but it turns out I was kinda right.

Anyway, scope out the lyrics. And maybe start up LimeWire and download it. Or if you have cash and you're compelled to buy music, buy the track on iTunes or something.

I could make a dress

A robe fit for a prince
I could clothe a continent
But i can't sew a stitch

I can paint my face
And stand very very still
Its not very practical
But it still pays the bills

I can't change my name
But i could be your type
I can dance and win at games
Like backgammon and life

I used to be the smart one
Sharp as a tack
Funny how that skipping years ahead
Has held me back

I used to be the bright one
Top in my class
Funny what they give you when you
Just learn how to ask

I can write a song
But i cant sing in key
I can play piano
But i never learned to read

I can't trap a mouse
But i can pet a cat
No i'm really serious!
I'm really very good at that

I can't fix a car
But i can fix a flat
I could fix alot of things
But i'd rather not get into that

I used to be the bright one
Smart as a whip
Funny how you slip so far when
Teachers dont keep track of it

I used to be the tight one
The perfect fit
Funny how those compliments can
Make you feel so full of it

I can shuffle cut and deal
But i can't draw a hand
I can't draw a lot of things
I hope you understand
I'm not exceptionally shy
But i've never had a man
That i could look straight in the eye
And tell my secret plans

I can take a vow
And i can wear a ring
And i can make you promises but
They won't mean a thing

Can't you do it for me, i'll pay you well
Fuck i'll pay you anything if you could end this

Can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...
Fuck i'll give you anything if
You can make the damn thing work

Can't you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
Fuck ill pay you anything
If you can end this
Hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
Hello, i'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?



If you laughed at that, you're a horrible person. But I laughed too. Welcome to the
conglomeration of horrible people.

On being a moron and sailing

Ouch. Somone, please remind me to stretch before doing strenuos exercize. My legs are completely cramped and they're practically refusing to move. One of the reasons I regret giving up ballet is that I did a lot of hardcore exercize the whole week and I was on excellent shape. I fell asleep during class, but hey, I'm naturally intelligent, so I aced my classes anyway.

I've been playing LoZ: The Wind Waker. It's a fun game, and I like how they totally took advantage of the cartoony style in graphics. But I hate the sailing. I hate it. I'm currently stuck and I've been sailing back and forth the same areas and I hate it. It takes forever to get from point A to point B and back, and it's just a fucking hassle. Okay, maybe they were trying to recreate how tiresome sailing is. Good job Nintendo, recreating realistic sailing in a game about an elf kid saving a princess from an evil pig, with cartoony graphics. Save the realism for a realistic game like Grand Theft Auto. Oh wait...

Anyway, I'm just sitting here, realizing how much of a complete and total moron I am. Yes, a moron, an idiot, a jackass, and any other synonym you can think of. Why am I realizing this right now? Okay, let's start from the top. See, since summer's started, I've barely been able to talk to my jackass of a significant other. Huh, how opposite, I always thought summer = more time if you're around my age. Anyway, I've been busy, but he's been even busier, so that leaves us little to no time. But, I reached my limit this morning when, waking up, I realized he hasn't called in over a week. Yes, I was pissed. Purely pissed, no secondary emotion mixed in to screw it up.

A quick sidenote: yes, I can call him, but I don't because I have a slight phobia of calling people. It's a long story, but basically, I hate bothering people, and I prefer it when they call me, so that way I know they're not busy.

So there I was this morning, pissed off and thinking of any number of insults that I should throw at him the next time I talked to him. Then, on a forum the two of us are both members of, I received a private message from someone. That person had been bounced over to me by him, and when I read what he wrote about me, that's when I was hit over the head by a fucking sledgehammer the size and weight of about twenty bricks. He spoke so highly and nicely of me to said person. He had the time to remember me for just a moment, even though he's been working his ass off so he can have money for college. And there I was, being nothing but a good-for-nothing brat. He doesn't even know I was pissed, and I feel like apologizing so badly. I am such a goddamned moron.

And see, this isn't even the first time it's happened, and it hasn't been exclusively with him. Because, as perceptive as I can be, one of my bad qualities and downfalls is that, if I'm not using my head, I am a very thoughtless person. And this morning I was a thoughtless moron of a jackass. But, I needed that too. I needed an imaginary sledgehammer to smash me over the head and remind me that I'm still an immature kid with a very long way to go. Damn, but that hurt though. I don't need such huge sledgehammers to hit me over the head...go easy next time, okay life?

Life needs a sea chart like Wind Waker does, so we can see where we need to go next and what we should be doing there.



Thank God that was Photoshopped. He didn't really say that. It's still disturbing all the same. Maybe the hat's just a symbol of manhood.

On quotes and love

"To never dream is to never live, don't dream your life, live your dreams."
-Unknown

"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for the love of it, then you do it for a few friends, and finally you do it for the money."
-Moliere

"They say rock and roll is the devil's music. Well, let's say that it is, I got new for you, let's say that rock and roll is the devil's music and we know it for a fact to be absolutely, unequivically true...boy, at least he fucking jams!...If it's a choice between hell and good tunes or eternal heaven and New Kids on the fucking Block, I'm going to be surfing on the lake of fire, rocking out."
-Bill Hicks

Love is a very funny emotion. I read before that being in love is comparable to having a mental disorder of sorts, and it's true. It messes with your brain, it messes with your thoughts, and you tend to do a lot of stupid things that you later regret horribly. As wise as I may sound here, and as laid back as I am, I've been a victim to the horribly sticky web of love, just like any normal person out there. I think the worst that's ever happened to me...huh, which one to pick, I've had loads of bad experiences...well, maybe it was dating someone for six months, thinking that I actually loved him, and then him confessing that he was both gay and transexual a few days after we'd officially been dating for six months. When I look back, I should've stabbed him. I regret that I didn't.

Love in young people is a funny thing. We think that the whole world revolves around ourselves and the people we think we love. We're going to be with that person forever, we're going to get married to them. And the world still revolves around us when we break up. The world has become torrential and catastrophic. And absolutely no one can understand our pain. We're very self-centered like that. I'd like to think that it gets better with age, but that's not really true. With age, we might find someone, we might marry them, but if we're not careful, the love dies. All that's left is the memory of having loved that person. You remember you loved them because your mind tells you so, but your heart just isn't able to grasp that anymore.

Well, it's not like that happens to everyone. I'm not even generalizing; it just happens and it does happen. But that possibility is what worries me most. Sure, right now, all I want is a good time, as should everyone my age want (though most girls my age seem to be looking for their one true love...Jesus, you have your whole lives, don't concentrate on a one true love, there's no such thing). But down the road, five or six years from now, I'd like to get married to someone I love at that moment, and someone I also truely like and care about. Because you can love a person, but you neither have to like or care about them. You don't have to even give a damn if they go out and die in a ditch. I want someone I love, and like and care about, because as I get older, that's what's going to really stick around.

If the marraige ends, so be it. As much as I'd like to believe in fairy tales, there's no such thing as a one true love. And as much as I'd like to just have one true love, I get the feeling that I'll have several during my life, each one as passionate as the last one, and each one ending as painfully as the last. Dunno why God's condemned me to this, but I'll ask when I reach ol' Peter up there. 'Course, I'm also guessing. The guy I'm dating right now (six months, woo) is as likely to be the one I stick with my whole life, and is just as likely to break up with me tomorrow, next week, next year, whenever. That's the beauty of life and love: they're unpredictable, and you'll never know where they'll go next.

Moral of the lecture: if you're young, don't look for love, love comes to you. Just go out and have a good time. With protection. No one wants to have a kid to cart around for eighteen years afterwards if that's not what they wanted.



Watch out there big fella'. Clark Kent might secretly be gay, but he'll still punch your lights out for hitting his pretend wife.

On nothing in particular.

I've been quite angry at nothing in particular, spiteful and jealous like a little brat, and extremely disappointed in myself, for a lot of reasons I don't feel like stating. So any worthwhile words I mighta had to write are not here today. They said they wanted the day off. So, why not? I'm sure they'll come back tomorrow, begging me to write them up here, so they won't be lonely or forgotten.

Anyway, however I may portray myself here, I've come to realize that my personality is roughly divided into two: a completely laid back, chill, somewhat apathetic side, and an extremely spiteful, angry and pissed off side. Most of my emotions can be lumped into one or the other. Before you say it, no, I don't have any mental disorders of any sort; in fact, I think most people can be defined as having two sides that make one whole personality. I just think I display them stronger than most. Basically, my personality is light and dark, yin and yang. When I'm in a mood that falls on the light side, things are decidedly like that. When I'm in a mood that falls on the dark side of things, things are decidedly like that. I feel things a lot more strongly than others, for better or worse. As it turns out, I'd been bottling up a lot of things, and I'd been in a very dark mood lately.

So what'd I do to fix it? Simple. Out of the blue, I wake up this morning, shower, put on some clothes, and I tell my mother that I'm going out for a walk. And I did, a very aimless walk I'll add. So aimless that, an hour later, I look up, smell sea water, and realize I've walked all the way to the beach. First reaction: huh? Yeah, it didn't hit me at first. But then I figured, eh, whatever, and I sat down on the sand and admired the ocean and soaked in the sun. It was nice. I think I just subconscioustly wanted to visit the beach and see the waves and the ocean. I always feel better when I do, and I did feel better. Then it hit me that I had to walk home. Great. But eh, I just trudged my feet and managed to claw my way back. Shoulda worn another shirt though, I've got the most uneven tan/sunburn now.

So, soccer. Germany won against Costa Rica, Ecuador against Poland. Let's see how the rest of the games go. I root for Argentina, Italy and Germany. France and South Korea have a chance at doing well. England and the US have little to no chance in hell (but hey, it'd be funny if they made it to the quarter finals like last time). And I refuse to root for Brazil.

"We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built on the never-ending contest in ourselves of good and evil. And it occurs to me that evil must always constantly respawn, while good, while virtue, is immortal. Vice has always had a new fresh young face, while virtue is venerable as nothing in the world is."

John Steinbeck

I've been following these scans on an LJ community...and I still don't get it. I never knew that Bat and Sups had sons.

EDIT: I just have to pimp this out. http://diariodelmesiasrosello.blogspot.com/ Esto es una de las mejores cosas que yo he visto en SEMANAS, en cuanto a sátira contra la "política" de nuestro país. En serio...it's even funnier because my mother's such a Roselló follower.

On hell and high school memories

Mom: God, how can it be so damn hot already?

Me: It's called summer.

Mom: I call it hell.

She has a point. I just had to pick this time of year to start a workout routine in the hopes of becoming anorexic thin. It really is too hot here. Let's see...90 degrees. Ugh, wow. It'll be worse by end of July, mark my words. So, of course, doing exercize at this time of year in a room with no air conditioning is brutal. But hey, maybe sweating more will = more weightloss? I hope so anyway.

So, I'd like to say hi and thank you to the small group of readers I've acumulated since I started here on Blogger. You guys give me continuous motivation to sit myself in front of this webpage and write and rant about whatever comes to my head, and that's very appreciated. Otherwise, I wouldn't be writing this right now. Oh, so yeah, I live in Puerto Rico and whatnot, so why not write my entries in my fair language of Spanish? Because English is more universal. People will understand it more, and my thoughts'll reach more people. Aunque de vez en cuando, como ahora, tiendo a escribir alguna que otra oración en español, pa' chavar, o por que tiene que ver con gente de mi isla. We rule.

Anyway, I was looking back at my years in high school. I'll tell you, I had one hell of a time. I believe I mentioned before I went to one of the more prestigious schools in the island. Between you and me, I'm surprised I got in. The interview I had for the school was terrible. I was sure I answered my questions as eloquently as a ninnyhammer. But, c'est la vie, I got in. Now, the school was a lot of things, but easy it was not. Though I still managed to find time to waste on the Internet and at parties and whatnot, I still had loads and loads of work. I mean, every single week it was something, and it was usually neither easy nor simple. Senior year was by far the worst. The first semester I had seven classes, five of which were university level (because that's the beauty of my school: in 12th grade we take university classes), and I got out late every day. And the second semester, me being class secretary, I had shit to put up with and to plan, even though I only had a total of five classes.

But, the people I met and the good times I had were well worth all the work. My own class, we were weird and funny and the school's black sheep, because we were always doing something. In 10th grade we threw chairs out the window, and in 11th we collectively skipped school to go to the beach. As my dear English teach once put it, each and every person was an example of a different mental disorder. But, we were also smart and creative and talented, and we knew how to weasle our way out of trouble and how to charm, so we could usually repair any damage we caused. I think the teacher we charmed best was our homeroom teach for 11th and 12th grade, even if we hated each other at first. Looking back, it's actually pretty funny. Plus, the guy is now my mentor, to whom I ask for advice whenever I need it.

As fun as my class was though, they had nothing on the group of girls I'd come to call my best friends. Funny how that panned out. I clearly remember my first day at the school, I saw two of them, and they both stood out to me. I wanted to go introduce myself...but thought better. As it turned out, them two and the other two I'd befriend were all a year above me, in 11th grade...and both of our grades took Geometry together that year. So, sometime in October, I noticed that they had talent in drawing, so I struck a conversation. The rest is veritable history. Those girls and I had so much fun, and they were my social life. They made things seem way better than they actually were.

I think the thing I gained most out of high school, asides learning that being social can make you look good, was a thing called Western Forensics League. This inter-school competition is what showed me my true talents: acting and writing. I started competing when I entered high school, and I competed each semester till I graduated. Before, I liked writing, and I was interested in acting, but I didn't think I was any good at either. Well, the fact that my original pieces made it to the final rounds both times I used them, and the fact that I managed to pull off an insane person with little effort (insane people come naturally to me). And to think, I was going to major in biology. Eww.

I had bad times in high school, though, no denying that. I'll just blame the fact that at my absolute worst, I am stubborn, taciturn, I have a short temper and I usually don't listen to anyone, so you can imagine that I'd get in trouble with classmates and with teachers. Hell, I was rejected from the honor's society first time around because of all of those qualities. I'll never forget that meeting with the principal when she told me, especially because on the inside, I was just thinking, I really don't care, can I go eat before the good food's gone? I was a lot less like this by the time I finished high school, which was obviously good, but those traits are still traits of mine, for better or worse. Oh, and I skipped prom, haha. A lot of famous people skipped theirs though, so maybe I'm following tradition.

In short, I'd be such a different person if I'd gone to the town's public high school. Take what you can, give nothing back.



Duh, of course Santa has heat ray vision. What kind of bastard version of Santa wouldn't? Sheesh.

On beauty and spandex

"There's more beauty in the truth, even if it's dreadful beauty. The storytellers at the city gate twist lies so that they look sweet to the lazy and the stupid and the weak, and this only strengthens their infirmities and teaches nothing, cures nothing, nor does it let the heart soar."

John Steinbeck, East of Eden

Also, so this entry isn't entirely philosophical:



TURN ON TO LOVE.

Dear God.

Oy, by the way, sorry for the fuck-up there of a triple post. Blogger's been slow and stupid.

On the Internet and iPods

You know, I'll tell you all, scales suck. Mostly if you're a girl. Or a really self-conscious guy. It's like they challenge you. Come here, get weighed. It won't be so bad. I promise I won't break on you... Gee, like it's so easy. I did step on a scale today, to see if my dieting and hard exercize had done anything. Instead, I gained a goddamned pound. Yes yes, I know I'm not fat. I just have severe self-esteem issues.

So, I was just sitting here a bit ago, and contemplating the Internet. The Internet...God, what a funny concept. I remember back in the days when chats were popular. Oh, how easy it was for a forty-year-old sweaty trucker to seduce a nine-year-old girl who had the time to be in the chat. But of course, that's long gone and dead now, what with webcams and common sense. In most cases anyway. No, we all know what the Internet's really for: porn. Futurama always put it best. Everything else is decoration.

Sometimes though, people take some of the entertaining decorations of the Internet too seriously. I mean, if it's a manner of running a forum or a website and you're getting paid to do it, then I can see why. But let's take a forum I help run, AL. I'd be one of the admins, and I do it because I have the free time. None of the people who mod get paid at all. And yet, the guy who owns and runs the board treats it as though it were a real job. Look, hold up buster, until you start paying me wages for all the shit I put up with, I refuse to see this as a "job".

I mean, whatever happened to taking things lightly? Being more laid-back? The world ain't gonna end because we're running a forum that has no point. Leave that up to GaiaOnline. By the way, I'd kill for an admin job there, 'cause I'd actually get paid. Just kick back and relax. The Internet, among its many purposes, is to entertain, to relax and forget for a little while. That's the only reason I spend quite a bit of time online. I want to be entertained, I want to unwind and forget about most of the stuff that comes up during the day. I don't want to be given work I won't be paid for.

Then again, the guy who runs AL has no life. Whoops.

Also, here's an interesting article I found over at Yahoo. Long story short: iPods > beer in colleges, and I gotta agree here. I don't understand why college kids like beer so much anyway. It's disgusting. I didn't have a sip of the stuff last semester. I had Bacardi Silver, 42, vodka, Passoa, tequila...no beer though. It's disgusting. Besides, who doesn't want a slim and sexy iPod? They look good even if you're not drunk. I can't say the same about some men.

Now, I just had to post this comic.



I don't care what the plot is, just look at those damn facial expressions. Also, Robin's package is huge.

On the wind and Eden

I've noticed that I have a pattern of updating this particular blog after my daily workout, and usually between 5-7pm, give or take. I suppose this is because the day's winding down and I have a bit of time to lay out any particular thoughts properly. And, that was a classic example of subtely murdering the English language.

So, I was at Borders today. Yes, my usual hangout, the one in Mayaguez. When I was at Sagrado last semester, the Borders in Plaza las Américas was my usual hangout whenever I wasn't so broke that I couldn't even afford the two (then three) quarters it cost to take the bus there. Being carless blows in ways you can't imagine sometimes. This wouldn't be the case if I said I was studying at, say, NYC. But I didn't. Anyway, at my hangout. I ordered some coffee, and a good friend of mine who works there, Thompson, was on break, so we sat and ate together. I told him that I was job hunting...and he told me what I already know: I have about as much luck of finding a job here as I would finding a clean prostitute in city slums. It's not surprising either; things ain't exactly peachy on this here island. One of my best friends, Yestebel, managed to get a job recently (coincidentially, she and Thompson are going out, and he makes a great dad to Yeste's son), but there's no way I'll have the same luck. Place that on top of the fact that I have to stick to this town only, due to lack of car. Remember what I said earlier about how it sucks to not have a car? There you go.

Funny thing is, Thompson also pointed out the irony that, if and when I drag myself to the US, I'd probably have no problem getting a job or three. Which will be great, honestly, but it won't be great until I get there. I need money to get there, and it's near impossible. I'll manage though. But anyhow, when I told him that I want to move out, he told me to go for it, to let life and the wind take me wherever it will take me. He told me that's how he's let his life go on, and there really is just no point in trying to control life's course. And he has a point. I might worry on and on about how I'm ever going to get to Chicago, but, if that's where I'm supposed to be in the near future, that's where I'll end up, one way or another. Though I'd prefer to end up there on a plane, and not in, say, a box among some fruit imports or something. It'd be cheaper and I'd live off fruit, but no.

Now that I think about it, this is the way I seem to have lived for the past 19 years or so, letting life take me where it needs to take me. Did I think I'd end up on this island and stay here for the past nine years? No. Could I predict that I'd end up at perhaps one of the most prestigious private schools on the island and have a kickass time? No. Would I have ever known that I'd stop being cynical about love and relationships? Dear God no. Life is very unpredictable like this, so it seems. I do sometimes get the feeling that perhaps a guardian angel of sorts is helping me guide along. If he or she is, I'm glad. Otherwise, I'd be more twisted and screwed up than I currently am.

On a side note, I bought East of Eden by John Steinbeck. I've just started, but so far, it's a very interesting book. It's like a retelling of the Genesis from the Bible, and I love the way the author describes both places and people. It's darkly humorous, vaguely uplifting and purely bittersweet, and I'm barely past chapter four. I'm going to like this book.

So, I leave you all with this highly important public service announcement.


It is my personal goal to make sure I disturb as many people with comics here as I can. If I can't do that, then I've failed at this blog.

Well, not really. I just want to entertain you guys.

On exhaustion and the masses

This will be one of the rare times I will copy paste from my LiveJournal. I'm just fucking exhausted and I can't put together anything coherent at the moment.

Been busy. Taking care of stuff. Doing stuff for parents and brother. Stuff. Haven't been sleeping well. Last night was terrible. I woke up early today to go with my brother to his university. I forgot how much I hated walking around there. I don't remember walking back home. Came home eventually, fell asleep, woke up about 25 minutes ago. Made a payment for this LJ thing. Uh...playing Wind Waker now.

Oh, been looking for a job. That's been the biggest part of the stuff part. No luck though. I'm getting rather disappointed. Friends've been busy, but what else is new? Family's been vindictive on the whole and I don't know why. I haven't fucked up anything yet. I keep getting spam emails from Japan and Brazil. Talked to college buddies. One pissed me off, I think I'll punch him when I see him.

I got a kidney operation. AKA, my self-esteem'll be okay. Uhm. It's June. I'm going to be 19 in exactly one month, and I don't know what to do for my birthday. I want to tell my parents to give me cash and let me move out as my gift, but fat chance. I'm probably going to get more piercings as a gift to myself, just to piss off mom more, like with dying my hair red. Looked through AL album as a favor to my friend Khara to delete her pics, and went on one of them trips down memory lane. I hate most of my old pics, but I deleted the worst ones (ha).

I keep confusing the time. I need to eat more but I'll get fat. Currently am broke, pissed at my cousin and at life in general. I'm also lonely beyond belief, and disappointed in myself. I should go back to sleep before I cry or some stupid shit, but I'm still busyish, no luck there.

So, that's mostly it. Scary glimps at my thoughts. But, to give this entry more substance, I have two music recommendations for you guys.

World Leader Pretend is a five-person rock band from New Orleans, featuring Keith Ferguson (vocals/guitar/keyboards), Parker Hutchinson (keyboards), Matt Martin (guitar), Arthur Mintz (drums), and Alex Smith (bass). The band formed in 2002, and their name comes from the 5th track of the album Green by R.E.M..

Their first album, Fit For Faded was released in 2003 on Renaissance Records, a New Orleans label. In 2004, they were signed to Warner Bros. An appearance at the first annual CMJ Cleveland and a slew of North American tour dates coincided with the June 28, 2005 release of their major label debut, Punches.

Tracks to check: The Masses, New Voices

Say Hi To Your Mom is an American indie rock group run by Eric Elbogen. Though often considered a band, Say Hi to Your Mom is actually a solo project. Elbogen creates all the records in a bedroom and plays all the instruments on the records. He employs the talents of other musicians to play live while touring, however.

Say Hi to Your Mom is best known for its song, "Let's Talk About Spaceships", from the record Numbers and Mumbles, released on the label Euphobia. A fourth album titled Impeccable Blahs is set to be released July 25, 2006. The new album, according to Elbogen, is about vampires.

Tracks to check: They Write Books About These Sort Of Things, But She Beat My Highscore, Twenty Second Century, As Smart As Geek Is Chic Right Now

And now, before I collapse on this keyboard, I bid thee all adieu. Adios. Nos vemos.

On movies and Sunday articles

Well, I haven't really written about movies just yet, have I? Yeah, I've mentioned X-men and Kill Bill, but that's it. So, I think I'll spend this post writing up a synopsis/general opinion on several of my favorite movies.

Rent: A movie based on a NYC Broadway of the same name, written by Johnathan Larson. Basically, it's like La Boheme, only set in NYC, with AIDS as the main thing killing off people since it's the early 90's and there was that huge epidemic, and a bunch of bohemians struggling to get through life. This movie has by far the most loveable cast around, and it's what will keep you hooked throughout the whole thing. There's Mark, the film maker wannabe who's basically at the sidelines, watching everything and kind of guiding his friends. There's Roger, the depressed former rock star who's looking to write one good song before AIDS takes him. There's Mimi, a young stripper who's fighting off drug addiction and falls for Roger. There's Maureen and Joanne, Maureen being a lesbian performer of sorts who dumped Mark for Joanne, a lawyer. And there's Collins and Angel, Collins being a sort of anarchist who got thrown out of MIT and Angel being a drag queen street performer and Collins's lover.

The whole movie is based around a year in their lives which changes constantly, with highs and lows and a tear-jerking ending. Plus, the music's catch as hell, and, as mentioned before, the characters are loveable and quirky. A word to the wise though: if you don't like musical movies, this won't change your opinion. Otherwise, just kick back and enjoy the fireworks.

Kill Bill: Pure Tarantino genius. That's the most important thing to mention. It's a revenge story at its best, and in which none of the characters, not even the protagonist, is "good". It just centers around The Bride, who gets screwed over by her lover, and her quest of sorts to exact revenge on all those that ruined her life and left her in a coma for four years. Now, the first and best thing about this movie is the action. The action scenes are wonderfully choreographed down to the last detail. One of my favorite fights would be The Bride versus Gogo Yubari, because watching it is like watching choreographed dance. And it has all kinds martial arts.

Another great thing is the aesthetic on the whole. It plays out like this odd mix of a 70's action film and a modern-day crazy plot. Seriously, what kind of alternate world is this? I had no idea there were places where you could destroy hotel property and it was fine 'cause you'd never get caught. Finally, both a good and bad part is the unsettling ending. It leaves you wondering if this is all Tarantino really wanted to say. I think not. Anyway, if you like action movies, give this a go.

All I Want: This is a very strange movie. And it stars Elijah Wood. Oh god, more hobbits? Fear not, keep reading. This movie is actually about a barely-legal kid who, after taking one look at who his roommate would be in college, decides to drop out right on the spot, and moves into an apartment in the same town. And, the movie centers around this one kid and how he sees things and how he interacts with characters. There's his mother, for one, who's single, loose, and a heavy drinker, but still cares about her son, even if their relationship is iffy. There's the photographer across the hall, who is, at first, completely perplexed by this strange kid and somewhat obsessed, till by chance they finally talk like normal people.

The way it's told, through this kid's eyes, is very interesting, most especially because the kid's a writer, and is constantly writing. He especially likes to write letters to his father, of whom he's convinced his mother is hiding because she doesn't want him to see the guy. The ending also leaves you feeling as though you yourself learned something about life while watching too. It's different, yet uplifting nonetheless. One of the better byproducts of wasting cash to watch Starz on this shit-ass expensive cable, I'll tell you that.

So, that's all the movies for now. On another note, the Sunday El Nuevo Día's makeover isn't too shabby. I like the way they redesigned Negocios and Revista, my favorite parts of the newspaper. It's actually interesting to read now. I heard they have versions of this paper in the States, but I've never been too sure, not having set foot on American soil in about five years. Still, it's about time. I think they've had the same look since...since I moved here in '97 come to think of it.

Speaking of crappy cable...



THE best image my camera could capture of crappy digital cable. In other words, there was no cable this morning, and one channel was frozen on this image. Still makes me chuckle, which should make my current feeling of loneliness ease itself just a bit. Happy Sunday.

On loneliness, perceptions, and The Bride

Watching Kill Bill always pisses me off. It's not because the film sucks or anything. It's one of my favorite films, actually. It just pisses me off because it's the kind of movie I'd love to act in. It's just weird and all action, and it seems to take place in this kind of alternate reality in which assassinating people from rival groups is perfectly okay (as is destroying hotel property). Sadly, I don't think more movies of its kind will be made soon. Well, I count Sin City. But Sin City's already made. And you see my point.

Anyway, I was looking at some old photos of myself, and they sure brought back memories. Some were good memories, some were bad memories, and some were just things that I've been desperately trying to hide for years. And I wondered: how do people see me nowadays, compared to how they saw me before? I'm honestly not the type to care about what others thing about me, but it's still a perplexing question. But, as to how I was before, all I have to go on would be my family, because I moved here almost nine years ago from Conneticut, and I'm no longer in contact with anyone I knew from there. And I can't stand the people I went to middle school with. But, I did talk to one from there last semester in Sagrado ('cause he decided to go study there too apparently), and I guess between then and now I am different, if only externally. 'Mazing what college does to make you care about your appearance, because I honestly didn't care about being girly before, and that did a 180 degree turn during all of last year.

But what about internally? I dunno, I think I might be the same still. Still just as aloof and weird and insane and absolutely twisted. Maybe it's how I interact with others that's changed, now that I think of it. My core personality's the same, but how you interact with people can make a world of difference. A smile here, a wave there, a "hey there" does a lot for how a person is perceived, even if on the inside you're a homicidal anti-Jesus maniac. It's easy to keep a pleasant social exterior. I suppose this is why perhaps only some people have ever really come in contact with what it is I'm really thinking. And I'd like to keep it that way, because my thoughts are my own, and not for public display.

But this got me thinking a little more. Why are we people so dependant on what others think of us? Why does it even matter? You want people to think of you in a certain way, so that's what you're going to work towards, but I have to wonder if it really matters in the end. We're also dependant on others for company, to keep us from feeling alone. We're born alone and we die alone, in our own heads. Yet, though I couldn't really give a fuck about what others think of me, I value the company of others at the same time. I value my friends, because they mean a lot to me. I value my significant other because he's stood by me, despite my twisted personality. People depend on others. On occasion, being dependant bothers me because I am an independant person, but it can't be helped, there's no getting around it. And, on the whole, I don't think it really matters in the end how we're perceived. What should matter more is how you perceive yourself, because at the end of the day, the one who kicks off their shoes, has sex with their lover, smokes that cigarette afterwards, and then looks at themselves in the bathroom mirror, is you.

On that note, anyone who fucks with me will be killed by me The Bride style. Well, I'd like to say that, but coming from me, that really doesn't sound very cool. And I don't have a sword...or martial arts training...and I haven't been screwed over by my lover. Yeah, there goes that out the window.

In other news: WWJD?



Click for larger image. I always knew Jesus liked vampire women. It's the hidden secret within a secret within a holy script that Da Vinci kept from us.

On appearances and the beach

I think, ever since probably middle school, I've had the appearance of being what is called a "punk rocker". At first, I did it solely because the style intrigued me, and I liked it a lot. But, like all intelligent people who get into a subculture, this didn't stay the same for long, because I wanted to find out more about this subculture on the whole. And, living on a tropical island like Puerto Rico makes it harder, since so very few people here actually understand punk. I'm not going to count the kids who shop at Hot Topic, but more on that in a bit. But, hey, all I needed was some well-meaning pals in high school and the Internet, and thus, I discovered Bad Religion, one of the few current punk bands still in existance (Anti-Flag being another). From here, there was no turning back. I took one look at my nu-metal CDs, and I realized, damn, I sure wasted my time in middle school.

And so, I had the internet, and I looked up more bands and more music, and I expanded my taste as I found all these fantastic music around. But, the turning point has to be when I discovered The Flaming Lips. I can't possibly describe the effect their music had on me. It's psychadelic punk rock that's one long acid trip. Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots is a CD that has to be listened to in one sitting, because otherwise, you're not going to get the whole experience. Soft Bulletin and Zaireeka are also excellent listens, and their latest, At War With The Mystics, is simply superb. These are guys who have twenty+ years of experience in music, and it shows. And in my eyes, they most definetely shine brighter than these manufactured, dime-a-dozen bands like Simple Plan and My Chemical Romance.

Now, back to the Hot Topic thing and dressing, I don't object to buying stuff there, because it's store, and they do sell some pretty cool stuff. Me being a HUGE Invader ZIM fan, I love the stuff they sell off that show there. But really now, $30 for a ripped up shirt with fishnets? I can easily take a pair of scissors, buy a similar shirt, cut it up, and sew fishents underneath. Why waste so much money on a product like this? Being punk isn't about looking cool or buying all your shit clothes at a specific store. You don't even have to look the part. The punk movement started as a rebellion, as a counter-culture to the clean and the perfection. It was about being an individual and going against the grain and saying, "well you know what, fuck you all, I want to do things my way". Buying clothes that look punk defeats that purpose because you're just blending in. Do I look the part? Yeah, sure. My hair has bright red highlights (as you can see here), I like Converse and fishnets and ripped-up jeans. But these things are things I make on my own or buy on the cheap at, say, a thrift shop. I like the look. But I'm also an independant person by nature, so I don't care about what others think, and I'm sure the smart kids, out of the Hot Topic crowd, will learn that sooner or later.

Anyway, summer is in full swing now. I honest to God need to take a trip to the beach on an afternoon. I love the beach, I love the ocean, and I love sunsets at the beach over the ocean. Plus, my tan's going away, so I need to soak up more sun.

Here's a pic of my desk though.



I know. It makes no sense. And I need a cigarette dammit.

On clarification and general contemplation

Yeah, I figured that I should just clarify some stuff about myself.

I have no idea how old I sound in these entries. I've re-read them, and I think I sound over 23 years old. Well, I'm not. I'm 18. I'll be 19 next month (July). I guess I just sound older because I don't rely on net speak, and because my way of expressing myself is, on the whole, very cynical and sarcastic. Am I actually cynical and sarcastic? Yes and no. I am sarcastic, but that's been hardcore ingrained into my personality for God knows how long. I'm not actually cynical though. A little jaded maybe, but not cynical. True cynicism comes with age, when you've seen enough of the world to make a proper judgement on things.

Now, what exactly do I do in life? Good question. Well, I'm supposed to be a college student. Pa' los que son de Puerto Rico, soy estudiante de Sagrado, pero vivo en San Germán cuando no estoy por allá. And I'm going into my second year starting August, still as a Theater major, with plans to maybe get a minor in telecommunication. Uh, that's if I decide to finish college. In actuality, I want to drop out, move to the US (Chicago, specifically), and start working on becoming a famous actress, writer and rock star. Yes yes, college is important and this whole plan of mine could just fail completely. But you know what, that doesn't bother me, because I know I'm not going to fail. It'll take some years, but I'll reach the top, just you guys wait. If I don't? Well, at least I'll have tried, right? I'd rather try and fail than not try at all.

And finally, I'm sure you guys must've picked up on this already, but my views on religion and God are not exactly the norm. In general, I think most of my views would offend your average, church-abiding Christian. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God. But on the whole, I don't really have faith in the church anymore. Why should a church dictate my faith anyway? If God is supposed to love all his kids, then why would he condemn them to hell for making mistakes? Also, this correlates to the fact that I think the ideas of good and evil are completely subjective, made up by us humans because we feel the need to regulate ourselves. Humans are all about survival, because we're still animals. We just have the capacity to actually realize when we fuck up. On the whole, I consider myself a modern-day existentialist. Existentialism as defined by Wikipedia:

Existentialism is a philosophical movement that is generally considered an outlook, or a perspective, on life that pursues the question of the meaning of life or the meaning of existence for the "existing individual". This question is seen as being of paramount importance, above all other scientific and philosophical pursuits. Existentialism also considers the psychological importance of existence and deals with concepts such as anxiety, dread, freedom, awareness of death, and consciousness of existing.

Whether it shows in my entries or not, human existence, its meaning, and all the things that tie it together are extremely important to me. In fact, I think that's why I started this particular blog in the first place. I wanted to be able to write out my thoughts on life and human existence as I see them, because these two things constantly perplex me. It's a never-ending quest of sorts. I might write a book about it someday, when I'm done with my current novel.

Speaking of, it's nearly done. I still need to write the very last part, and then revise the whole thing, and then figure out how to get it published. If you're interested, go take a look here. I'm still just a wannabe writer, since I have nothing published (asides a few poems in a few anthologies), but, just like with my acting and rock-star career, that'll change soon.

I'll write about myself as an actress in a future entry perhaps. For now, go watch the music video for Girl Anachronism by The Dresden Dolls. Amanda Palmer has issues, and she fucking knows it. So I leave you all with that. Meanwhile, I'll be taking a look at other blogs, to see if I can find some good reads. Cheers!