Tuesday, October 31, 2006

On redemption

It's Halloween guys, have a good one. Get tons of candy and get laid too. As for me, I'll be trick-or-treating in just a bit. I figure that, even though I'm going home, I may as well do it, so I can have another fond memory to bring with me.

I realize, though, that I seem to have a faithful audience of readers, but that I myself have been quite lax in reading up on my own favorite blogs. It's seriously on my to-do list though, so sooner or later I'm going to be going through all the blogs I read and do some good 'ol catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup, though embedded in the same processed-tomato goodness). I can't help but feel guilty though. Here I've found my niche of readers, but I don't return the favor as often as I should. Granted, it is a goal of mine to score an interview with El Nuevo Día on its Sunday paper if they ever do a huge feature on Puerto Rican bloggers. I'd have so much fun answering questions. But for me, it's just an issue of common courtesy and politeness. I feel that way about most everything.

But I seem to have a habit of doing that in other situations as well. I'm going home soon, and I'm going to finish what I start. There are a lot of people and things I miss from back home, and I can't wait to see them all again. But I do know that things won't be the same as they were before, since I just up and left with no warning whatsoever. People were happy to see me back in San Juan again in August, and I just left them all hanging. I'm sure most want nothing to do with me right now. And I deserve that kind of treatment. I should've been up front about what I wanted to do and was going to do. I should've told everyone, parents and friends alike. I shouldn't have done what I usually do, making a decision without letting anyone know the context behind it or what it is exactly.

Forgiveness isn't what I want though. I went for something I wanted, for something I believed in. That alone proves that I have drive and ambition, so that when I try again, I'll be better prepared. When I'm doing something I believe in, I do it without a single regret. I don't want forgiveness over what I thought was right.

What I want, though, is redemption, a chance to redeem myself. I want to show that I'm not going to run off again, and that I will finish what I've started. Things won't be the same, and I don't expect them to be. Not everyone will let me have redemption for myself and my actions. But if some of the people I care for the most are willing to let me redeem myself, and if I'm allowed to go back to Sagrado and finish there, then I can show that I've learned and that I'm stronger than I was before. I don't make mistakes twice, and what doesn't kill me makes me a better and wiser person. So I want to show everyone that that's what's happened to me. I really miss my friends at college. They were a good group of people. I just hope they'll welcome me back. Worse than never getting a goodbye is not getting a welcome back.

Boy, but I can't wait till I'm at the gates of Heaven and Peter starts listing off all the shit I've done in my life. That'll be interesting to hear.

Monday, October 30, 2006

On being used

I feel quite hesitant in even writing this, but hell, it might make for an interesting read, even if it's quite personal.

I think when most people sit down and realize that, throughout the grand majority of their love/sex lives they've been used, they usually go insane. I can't speak for these people because I don't know most of them. I'm just taking a wild guess. As for myself, I came to that realization yesterday, while writing a letter to my now ex-significant other. I just began to think of every single person I've ever been romantically interested in/romantically involved in/sexually involved in, and I thought, "goddamn, have I been used a lot". I've been used as an emotional crutch. I've been used as a diversion. And I've been used for sex now. Among other things. Cynical points +200 now. I must've broken the scale of cyniscism by now.

It's not so much the fact that I've been used a lot that bothers me. What bothers me is that, in romantic endeavors, I've been used far too many times than I probably should've been, and I didn't realize it until it was all over. And, once I realized it, I always feel like a cheap, stupid whore. Let's break it down.

1. Being used as an emotional crutch: This has happened several times, but in different ways. Essentially though, the guy would probably see how nice and sweet and cute I am, take advantage of the fact that I was quite open to relieve the pain of whatever past love they might've had, but they never completely commit. At some point, they get better, and they decide to date some other girl, perhaps girlier and more attractive than myself. This, of course, leaves me hanging and quite bitter.

2. Being used as a simple diversion: Meet. Hook up. Leave. That sums it up.

3. Being used for sex: "I'm still a virgin and I don't want to hook up with girls yet. They'll see how inexperienced I am. Hmm, wait, I have a girlfriend. I think we'll just do the deed, and several weeks later, I'll say that the 'spark' is gone and break up with her. Then, I can hook up with as many girls as I want to!"

I think that more or less is the beginning and end of what I can possibly summarize. In the end though, as I think about it, there really is no such thing as love. It's just us humans constantly using one another for a means to an end. It might be to fill an emotional void, or it might be to get off because we just crave sex that badly. Or maybe we just remind one another of someone we once thought we loved. Or maybe we want bragging rights. Whatever the case is, we don't love, we just think we do. We want to label our emotions somehow, and love seems to be the most appropriate for [insert reason]. We want to have an excuse for our subconscious thoughts and behavior.

But, my own personal solution to that is simple: I don't plan on falling "in love" anytime soon. Instead, I'm going to play the game of karma, and start using men in return for my own romantic and sexual endeavours. I no longer want to be the toy. I'm not going to be anyone's toy. Rather, guys will be my toys.

Hmm. This was a rather cynical entry. Wait, that basically describes this entire blog.

Friday, October 27, 2006

On the means to the end

Well, my faithful readers. If you are, indeed, looking at this, then thank you very much for sticking with me throughout my crazy thoughts and rants, since...May, right? How time flies, don't you think? Or maybe it only goes faster when you keep yourself occupied. The past three months have been faster than January to August, and it's only because I've been out of the house, rather than cooped up, doing similar things day to day.

Anyway, if you are indeed a faithful reader and aren't, say, reading this for the first time, or worse, a spambot intent on sabotaging my precious blog with inane advertisements, then you'll know that I've been living in Chicago for the past three months. It's been a crazy ride. I've done things I've never done before (like getting high and not making it back to the apartment till the next day), and I've made it one hell of a ride. In fact, I've become completely enamored with Chicago. I never thought I'd like another city as much (or even more) than NYC or San Juan, but I was wrong. Chicago is definitely the place to be. You'll believe me the day you take the Red line downtown during rush hour and see all the kinds of people around. I also highly recommend walking around the Loop, Millenium Park, and the Belmont and Clark areas of the city. Especially Belmont.

But, I've done a lot of hard thinking for about a month or so (could be less or more, I don't know, my mind has a lot of black moments...and no, it's not the alcohol). And I've decided that my adventure in Chicago is, for the moment, coming to a close. As much as I love living her, and as much as I'd love to continue living here, I think it might be best to just go back home. I don't mention it much, or show it much (asides in my LiveJournal or to very close friends), but it has been quite hard, despite all the fun I'm having. I realize that this is part of the whole thing, and part of the price tag on freedom and fun, but I think I still need more time to mature and grow and learn. So, I've decided to go home, finish college there, and then come back in a few years.

I've talked this over with my dad, and we've decided that this'll be a surprise for my mother's birthday, which is in November. I just hope she doesn't die of a heart attack when she sees me. This also gives me time to get college in order. I plan on either continuing in Sagrado, or transferring to UPR, either in Río Piedras or Mayaguez. I've figured that at least trying to finish college and getting a degree might help me to some degree in the future, even if it's a Humanities/Liberal Arts major, which guarantees that I'll be living in a box someday anyway. Besides, it'll be another adventure in life.

I don't expect things to be the same when I get back. I don't expect all of my friends and family to forgive me for what I've done, and I won't be asking for forgiveness or sympath. Those are things I don't ever ask for in life. But I also don't apologize for myself and the decisions I make. I learn, I grow, and that's that, even if I get more cynical in the process. My decisions and my mistakes are mine and mine alone, and I don't need to apologize or make excuses to anyone. People have their own decisions to make, anyway. So any amends I need to make from here on out for my selfishness, I'll do it, gladly. I set out to do something I wanted to do for once, and I set out to prove something. I did what I thought was right, and I still think I'm doing what's right.

At any rate, this'll only mean that my autobiography'll be quite interesting once I'm famous.

On an additional note, I went to see The Dresden Dolls live over at the Vic downtown. They were fabulous. They put on an awesome, unforgettable show, and they proved to me why they are awesome in my book. It's not just their music that's great, it's the fact that they can put on a good show to go with the music.

I also decided to listen to My Chemical Romance's new album, The Black Parade. I don't feel like giving a track-by-track review, so here's a short 'n sweet summary. Verdict: it sucks. It's a very generic and lame attempt at doing what Green Day did with American Idiot, creating a "rock opera" album. Every single song sounds like something from their second album Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge. Worse still, not only did they rip off Green Day, but they ripped off Queen on more than one occasion through the album. That really hurt. I did like track #3, though the name escapes me for the moment. But Gerard Way needs vocal lessons. He can't sing for shit. I was going to give it a 5 out of 10, for at least being techincally functional. Then I heard the bonus track, which completely ripped off The Dresden Doll's Coin-Operated Boy in both piano style and vocal style. I almost cried. So, all in all, it's a 3 out of 10. Don't download it. Don't buy it. Don't even listen to it unless you can help it. It's just cookie-cutter crap.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

On coin-operated boys

If the title of this note doesn't indicate my excitement in seeing The Dresden Dolls at The Vic this Friday, nothing does. Nothing. I really want to take a shitload of pics, but I still can't find my fucking camera, so I dunno what I'll do. I might bring a disposable and take a bunch, and then just scan 'em in, the ol' fashioned way.

Anyway, I need to start writing here more. I maintain about six other blogs asides this one, but I like this one as much as the others, and it's a shame I don't update more often. Then again, I guess I have blogs because I'm a writer at heart, as well as an actress, and I want to make my stamp in writing, not just with books or in magazines or newspapers, but also in the blogging world. I'd like to someday have a blog as popular as, say, Tucker Max's blog, both in the sense that lots of people read it and love it, and in the sense that I can make money off of it.

But enough of my rambling. Life in general, at the moment, is good, if complicated and with its down moments. But it's all karma, right? All downs have ups and vice-versa, and I just need to keep moving forward in life, regardless. As I've mentioned already, I'd decided at first to skip college for awhile, but, with some encouragement, I've decided to give transferring into DePaul a shot. I hear it's not really all that hard to get into, if pretty expensive. But I've been around DePaul a lot already, and I like it a lot, and I'd love to study there and see how things pan out.

I'm also now looking up apartments, since both dad and I agree that it's just not a good idea for me to keep mooching off Manda. I'm more than grateful to her for her hospitality and for letting me even stay here, but I don't want to keep bothering her or getting in her way. I think I might just be overthinking a lot of things in general, but I get the feeling that there will be no dorm space over at DePaul for the winter quarter, so an apartment seems like the logical choice, and one downtown. I'd need to either transfer to the Disney Store on Michigan Ave. or get a new job. Getting a new job just might be better though, 'cause then I can go find a job that pays better. Either way, I'm starting to move forward there, so we'll just see what happens. And, as Tim Gunn says (and as the Project Runway NERD I am), I just have to "make it work".

So, I'm juggling a lot of thoughts and things and processes at the moment, but I'm pretty determined on making things work out. I don't want to back down, and I don't want to give up. I want to prove that I can do things my way and that, in that thought process, I can also do things right. Not everything should be the way others want it if that's not what makes you happy. Being here in Chicago, the prospect of living, studying and working here, and jumpstarting an writing and acting career...that's what makes me happiest. It's probably very selfish of me, but what can you do?

In terms of personal life...well, lemme take a stab at writing about that, even though I suck at talking about myself. I've made friends here in Chicago, mainly the ones I know at DePaul. I'm definitely looking to gain more friends around here, as the months pass by, because I like being with people and I like having fun. I need to make a huge mental note to get back in contact with friends from back home, because I left them all hanging. It wasn't my intention to do that...but that's how it turned out. Love life is goin' steady. It's just the sort of relationship I want to be in. It has its serious and perhaps emotional moments (not to be confused with angst), but there's also a lot of fun in it. I feel very comfortable in this relationship, and I feel that we fit each other awesomely. I'd like to see this relationship last for quite awhile.

And in terms of Thanksgiving...I really don't know what I'm gonna do for that. I want to spend it with Rob's family, actually, but I've yet to ask. If I can't, then I might just call up my good friend Yestebel, who now lives in Boston with her fiancée and her son Demian, and see if I can spend it with them.

Life's an adventure, and you shouldn't live it any less than that. Or that's my philosophy, at any rate.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

On a 36 hour snapshot

(I've posted this in just about all 5-8 blogs I own, so I figured, why not this one?)

Wow, it's been an, uh, interesting 36 hours to say the least.

So, I'd basically been up since 4am yesterday, and I left for downtown Chicago at around 7:30am, and got to the Loop an hour later. I was going to this transfer student info session at DePaul's Loop campus, so I wanted to be there early, but I was too early, so I just walked around and took the train to another stop, looking for Puerto Rican café that was supposed to be around the city. I couldn't find it in time, so I took the train back and got there in time for the info session. It was basically general info on the university and transfer requirements and stuff, and afterwards I met with a counselor. Basically, he told me that I need to transfer as an international student because the university I was studying at, Sagrado, is in Puerto Rico, which is a commonwealth, which is apparently international. A couple of the friends I've made at DePaul (which I'll get into more in a sec) said that it might actually be easier to get in and get a dorm since I'm transferring as international. Also, in the event I can't get a dorm, dad said that I could try getting an apartment instead, and that he'd help fund it. Hopefully, though, this'll all work out. I'm looking forward to not only being back at college, but being somewhere I want to be, which is here in Chicago.

Anyway, after that, I headed towards the Belmont area of Chicago and [drumroll] got my ticket to the Dresden Doll show! I'm so fucking happy and excited about that still, and I can't wait till the 20th! Then after that, I got Sam up, found something to drink and curled up somewhere to sleep for a bit, till Sam called back after getting himself together. And then the rest of the day. Okay, so no one got drunk cuz we couldn't get hooked up with anything, but...it was still fun even with it's boring moments. Basically, we tried jamming out with Justin, with whom I've become good friends with, but the strings on his electric were out of tune, and two snapped. But I got to play more acoustic, so I'm not so rusty playing anymore. Then, we spent time making out, which was very nice. I can give biting my thumbs a rest. Then, we spent time playing video games, like Guitar Hero and random SNES games. Then we got food cuz I was hungry and could use the nourishment and Monopoly playing pieces. Then I think we lied down for awhile. Then we found Justin and tried to find something to do. Along the way I made a few more friends, namely with Eric, Owen, Ian and a girl named Noel (and her roommate, I think her name's Ali). There were more people, but I don't remember all the names. Then Sam and me went to Belmont, then came back, and decided to tie a shoelace around Justin's guitar for a strap and played music.

Then...we still couldn't find good alcohol hookups, so we decided to go out and smoke up. So yes, I tried weed for the first time. No, not enough to get high, but I was feeling pretty happy, and the happy feeling stayed even as the pot wore off. Justin, on the other hand, got totally blazed, so when we got back to the dorms, Sam and me just watched him since he was pretty fucking hilarious. Then we met up with these other people, did random stuff for awhile, and then decided to McDonalds again (this was like at 1am). After that, we headed back and played some video games, then just chilled in Justin's room, since he let me and Sam (and Eric too, cuz Eric was in sexhile from his room). Ian came by after his date, and Sam bought me a couple of beers, along with two for him. I hate beer, but I wanted some fucking alcohol, so I drank one can, had half of the other can and let Joe (another dude I met) have the rest. Then Eric comes back, blazed as all hell, and I fell asleep for bit but woke up when they (Sam, Justin and Eric) started rambling about music. Then Sam started on the dirt farmer jokes, and I went ballistic on him for over an hour. I wasn't really all that pissed though...actually, I just wanted him so bad, and I know that he knows that, it was so obvious in my eyes. Even Justin noticed, and he asked if he and Eric should just sexhile themselves for half an hour, but I decided not to agree since a. I was a guest in the dorm and b. it wasn't even Sam's room. But we also made fun of Sam and his small penis, Justin and his Jew family, and Eric's Texan heritage. Then we all dropped off to sleep after 4am.

Then this morning, I woke up to go to the bathroom, then to call in at work cuz I was on call-in and tell them I wasn't going in. But I have work tomorrow from 12 to 7pm non call-in, so it's fine. Hopefully I don't get chastised for missing two call-ins, but I really needed the sleep more than any potential cash from work. At around 2pm, we all got up and chilled for a bit, then cleaned up and got food. There was a buffet at DePaul's student center, and Rob treated me, so I got food, and we talked for awhile while eating. And then I decided it'd be best to head back here at around 3:30pm, so I did and Sam walked me to the train station and we said our see-you-laters.

Now that I'm back home though, I feel pretty damn happy like no one's business. I made friends, I was social, I had fun even without alcohol, I hung out with Sam (which is about a million happy points there), I'm a step closer to being back in college, and it's all just good. I'm happy, I feel good, it's awesome.

Phew, done with this entry.