On finally getting fixed

So, it really has been far too long since I've written an entry worth it's salt. Part of the reason, if I'm going to be honest and fair to myself, is the fact that (and I'm going to write this in Spanish/Puerto Rican), este semestre ha sido tan algarete y tan random, que no he tenido mucho tiempo pa' sentarme aquí y escribir algo que valga la pena de leer. I mean, honestly, I'm not sure whether this half year or last year's half year was this random. But, to be completely truthful, this has been great. New best friends, love, sex, hanging out and drinking, enjoying the good times, dragging ourselves past the bad times...so goes life, and I'm really loving it.

In that respect then, I'm wondering if maybe the other reason I haven't really posted a new entry in over several blue moons is because maybe...I don't need to anymore. When I started this blog last May, I did so with the thought that, on the inside, I felt like a very broken person. I wasn't sure what exactly was wrong, or how to fix it, but one day, sitting in front of my computer and remembering that I had a Blogger account, I thought to myself, wouldn't it be a good concept to write a blog based on how to fix a young adult female like myself (because really, I wasn't such an adolescent anymore)? And that's how I started. I'd write about anything that came to mind, be it situations I found myself in, topics that I felt compelled to write about, or how I was feeling on the inside.

But I'm not doing that anymore. I haven't written any humorously cynical entries about, say, asshole bus drivers in San Juan. I haven't written about this experiment set for May 2008, that, if it works, will create limitless energy for humanity. And I haven't written about how I've finally found what could be the first true love of my life (because much as I'd love to be with him for a very long time, life is life, and things don't always go my way). So when I think about it...maybe whatever was broken on the inside, be it my self-esteem or my confidence or my faith in how kickass life can be, has finally gotten fixed. I'm fixed.

Wish I could figure out how that happened though, since I didn't even notice. Kind of like AMV Hell 4. It came out in September and I found out about it yesterday. Ah well. I don't really need to know.

So, maybe this is the end of this blog. But no need to lose faith; maybe I'll start a new one soon, with a brand-new premise. I like blogging a lot, so that's never out of the question. To those who still follow this, thanks for reading. It's been a fun ride.

On having a belief

My goodness, I can't remember the last time I put up an entry. I do apologize. To be honest, since this blog isn't meant to be personal (as I've always stated), I didn't really have anything to write about, which I could consider important. But before writing, I'll be nice and update slightly on life. Summer was partially boring and partially busy for me, since I took class half the time. I also spent time with old friends and talking to my newer ones more from college. And, I got started on getting into the routine of working out. It's done marvels, though I've skipped this week since I'm sick. But that doesn't stop me from feeling ever so slightly guilty. I'll go back starting Monday though, since by then, I'm sure to be better.

As for this semester, I'm probably going to shoot myself in a month's time. I did the suicide move and took six classes: one department class, two concentration classes, one minor class, one "take this or you don't fucking graduate" class, and one class that I don't need but wanted to take. I just finished a seven-hour study session for two tests I have next week, so you can imagine how the work load's been. But I still have time to involve myself in random things with friends and drink and such. And to even date. So no, I'm not single anymore. I kinda miss the single life, but my guy's great, so it's not a terrible loss.

So anyway, a recent conversation with someone has spurred me onto this particular train of thought. The topic was, of course, about religion and spirituality. At the moment, to avoid confusion and long speeches, I simply said I was agnostic. So, of course the person remarked at the hypocrisy of this, since agnostics are generally believed to neither believe nor disapprove of the existence of God and such. But I really wasn't in the mood to argue or to explain my beliefs in detail, so I just dropped it. Besides, we're all entitled to our own beliefs.

What, then, are mine in specifics? Well, for easy reference, here they are in list form.

1. I do not believe in the institution of religion. From my perspective, it has done nothing good for society. Rather, it creates fanatics, gives false hope, and is the basis of terrible discrimination. Not to mention quite a few wars, including the current "war" on terrorism, however fake said war is. I know that all three things can be created through other means (this island's political climate is a perfect example of how fanatical people can become as a cause of individual politicians). But, religion, as I understand it, is meant to guide people, and it just does such a lackluster job at it.
2. I think that neither myself nor anyone else has the power to prove or disprove the existence of a higher being, be it God or whatever else it is. If something does exist, we'll never know it, and maybe it's better that way.
3. Regardless of #2, I am a proponent of determinism. My main reason for this is because, in the debate of free will vs. destiny, I find free will to be way too chaotic to have any real basis in the universe. Everything to the existence of this universe to the relationships we make really just don't seem like they can happen at random. This would also mean that I hold great value to the past, since the past determines today's society, and the chain goes on like that.
4. As I've mentioned before in past entries, I'm also a supporter of existentialism. Though the idea goes against determinism, the way I believe in it doesn't go against my beliefs at all. Everything that happens might have a reason and might be pre-determined, but I fully believe that it's up to each human being to decide what to make of this and their lives. Basically, we take the events that come at us, and we decide how to interpret it and how to go about it. In this way, I also place higher value on the individual's beliefs and not on society's beliefs and social constructions.
5. Finally, I think it would now go without saying that, in a choice of religion, philosophy and science, I fall into the philosophy group. Asides reasons mentioned, I just can't support a religion because so much is based on theories that are usually not up for change (and depending, up for debate either). And so much just isn't based on reason and logic that there's no way I can look at religion as a guide for myself. As for science, while it appeals to my logic, it doesn't provide me with any basis of sustaining myself.

To summarize the last part, I'll put an example: the existence of cockroaches. If I'm going to use the Christian version of how the world was created, then why the fuck didn't Noah squish them out of existence? Really, they're disgusting and have no use except to survive nuclear winter. Now let's take science. Go on Darwin, evolutionize your way out of THAT one. Well, it's not that philosophy can properly answer this stupid example either, but I just wanted to put what I just wrote into layman terms.

At any rate, what's more important to me now isn't whether God exists or not. It's surviving the semester.

On freedom of speech

I would like to direct your attention for a moment elsewhere on the blogosphere.



Currently, a witch hunt of sorts is occuring all over LiveJournal, which, being prompted by Warriors for Innocence (the link is here, but please don't click, there are rumors that the site has a lot of malware and IP address tracking on it), has decided to purge all accounts and communities that are even remotely related to pedophilia, in an attempt to track down potential sexual predators. Because anything I summarize will most likely be incomplete, I direct you to this link over here for further information.

Here now, I will cross-post my opinion from my own LiveJournal. The original entry can be found over here.

So what the hell, all of a sudden there's a witch hunt going on 'round LJ? O_o wtf mate. From what I've just read up on, apparently the targets are fandoms and RP comms that have anything to do with stuff like pedophilia and other sexual subjects prohibited by the United States law and such. I haven't read everything, nor do I quite understand it all, but to my knowledge, the Internet, up until this very minute, is entirely free game, in the sense that it is not bound by the laws of any country. Which makes sense, because even if a website is based in a particular country, all it means is that the people behind the site are of [insert] nationality. This is, of course, simply taking out other variables in which laws may apply in the mix and soley concentrating on the Internet.

However, the main problem here is the fact that the freedom of speech amendment, an American amendment, is being horribly violated here. Blogs are a current trend that are beginning to extend out of the Internet, and subtlely replacing common forms of things like journalism and, well, freedom of speech. To start a witch hunt against people simply because they are interested in [insert sexual fetish], own LJ comms related to it, and have it listed in their interests is a matter of an individual's right to express themselves. In a world that's increasingly becoming smaller and more well-watched (hello Big Brother), the Internet's becoming a safe haven for any and everyone.

Take me for example, I'm an anti-government radical who dislikes capitalism and favors socialism. I'm also in favor of freedom of sexuality, since I myself am slowly realizing and learning that I do not love or like based on gender alone. Take that into the real world and what would happen? I'd get jailed under the Patriot Act and slandered for not being sexually "normal". On the Internet, though, I can express these thoughts freely, and that is exactly what's going under attack, the ability to freely express oneself. And LJ's team is too much of a pussy to fight back against that WFI group making them do this witch hunt. Might the WFI's intentions be good? Sure, what the hell. But they're going about it the wrong way. If they're trying to catch sexual predators and pedophiles and whatnot, the last thing you should be doing is persecuting anyone who just so happens to have it in their interests and participate in comms dealing with it. Why? Because most of them are not pedophiles at all, they just like it in their fandoms and fanfics.

So congratulations, instead of sniffing out the real sexual predators, you've made them go into deeper hiding. Let's hear it for misinformed people, Big Brother and people who refuse to properly inform themselves about the real matters at hand, because they sure as hell are winning the battle. Oh, and let's also congratulate our democratic government, they're doing a fantastic job of limiting and cutting away people's rights to "protect".

I could go on rambling, but I've said my thoughts. Once again, wtf mate.

(And note, as I said, I didn't read up everything, but am quite sure I got the gist of what's going on. If I'm wrong, please inform me.)

To summarize, what're the main problems here?

• Violation of the primary right to freedom of speech. No, I don't like pedophilia fandoms, or anything of the sort. However, just because someone likes to read fanfictions and discuss oddball pairings does not mean they're potential sexual predators in disguise.
• LiveJournal has most definitely crossed the line, by letting themselves be bullied by a third party site, without notifying anyone of this ridiculous witch hunt beforehand.
• Finally, all of this constitutes as a violation of LiveJournal's Terms of Service.

All in all, congratulations Big Brother, you score yet another point.

On moving forward

So. It's been...a month, since I last wrote anything in this blog. I do apologize. I'm not sure if I've got an audience reading this anymore since I don't update this as regularly as I should, but this blog does exist for a reason. That reason...er, being to...uh, write and uh...stuff. Boy that was eloquent.

Anyhow, I've been busy. Among other things, I've been taking class, getting wasted, working out, flirting around, watching movies, relaxing, hanging out with my friends, and overall being your average college student/nerd who's also one of the guys. I didn't really intend for it to happen, but during the course of this semester, I've suddenly found myself becoming the "alpha-female" of the group I hang out with, which is usually a bunch of guys. I have female friends too, but I don't hang out with most of them, just a few. I don't really mind though, since I've long considered myself to not really have a mental gender per se. All I have is a sexual preference towards a particular gender, with occasional interest in the other gender. I don't know if this good or bad, since it doesn't really land me any decent dates, but I suppose it could be worse. I at least give it credit for contributing to my creative and out-of-the-box way of thinking.

So, as of now until the end of June, I'm at home on vacation. Much as I like my scholarly and social life, this is a much-needed break I needed. I did manage to do exceedingly well this semester, passing everything expect Estadísticas 1 (which I dropped) with an A. Kickass, if I do say so myself. But I also wanted this time to really sit and think about...well, what else, the one man I've fought tooth and nail to move on from all semester, my lovely ex. It's not to say I wasn't doing anything about this already. I moved back home for physical distance, I cut off contact, I cut my hair short so as to symbolically spit into his belief that women with short hair are dykes, I've hooked up with a few random men to prove to myself that I could be with men without emotional attatchments, I've made new friends, I started working out...the vast majority of what I did, and didn't do, this semester was so I could move the fuck on.

Yet, something was still amiss, despite my efforts. I didn't know what though. To be sure, I held (hold?) a huge grudge against him, and couldn't even think about him without wishing nothing but horrible misery on his existence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn't feel free from him. It was like an invisible chain tied me to him and his memory, the memories I had of him. I suppose it was there for a lot of reasons, but mainly, it was because he was the first guy I could honestly say I loved. Hurrah for true love. But he meant a lot of things to me, and getting over it took more effort than I would've ever liked. I just didn't get myself, really.

So, 'member when I mentioned getting wasted among the activities I mentioned up there? Yeah, so, a couple of weekends ago, to help celebrate the end of the semester, one of the things me and my friends did was buy alcohol and go to one of my friend's apartment and get drunk. Long story short, I did more than 12 shots of 151 rum, along with Smirnoffs and daiquiri and got totally smashed. The reason, though I wouldn't realize it until later, was because I found out that the guy I liked, Gian, had a girl of sorts. They were constantly making out. Much as I liked the girl, I wanted to shove her down some escalators. So I was trying to numb the pain out, go self-destructive tendencies. Anyway, during all that, I called up my ex, and finally said what I'd been dying to tell him for months: that I hate him and his guts and that I wish he'd just do me a favor and die off.

The next day, sobering up and whatnot, I remembered this (and a few other convoluted pieces, because shortly after that, I passed out). And I thought about it a little. I realized that, really, I wasn't actually mad at him anymore, nor did I hold that much of a grudge against him. In fact, all I was hating was the fact that my pride was hurt, and that my feelings were torn to shreds. And I realized, man I'm stupid, this is the invisible chain binding me down? All at once, that chain broke off and I became free as a bird once again, the way I should be. It felt (and still feels) pretty nice.

Since then, I've shaped up a bit. I'm not sleeping with anyone at all, not until I can be sure I'm in a good, actual relationship with a great guy. I'm taking my health seriously, doing all that I can to eat right and keep my blood sugar levels stable. I'm working out harder than ever, and the results are starting to show since I'm shedding the weight I gained this semester from my rampant drinking. And, once again, I feel like I can take on the world and fight anyone and anything till I make it to the top. I think my chances of getting married or being in another relationship are slim to none...but it doesn't matter too much to me at the moment anymore. I'll deal. Life is, after all, no cabaret.

On another note, I saw the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Twice. It's that good, I swear it is. I might write a review tomorrow or the day after.

Finally, I believe today is the one year anniversary of this dear blog of mine. I'm still alive and typing. That's always a good sign.

On being me

I'm a nerd. Hands down.

I love things like Star Wars, some anime, some manga, all that stuff. I think I always have. I can sit here and talk about the Star Wars movies, and I could probably list off a few anime and manga series worth watching and reading.

I love love love video games. I've always been playing them, and I've always liked it. I play RPGs, fighters, weird stuff, shooters, platformers, action-adventure, strategy, rhythm, old-school, anything. It's fun, and I love playing multiplayer even more.

I am a product of the internet. It's not essential in my life, or something I can't live without. But it's definitely a source of entertainment for me. And I'm not afraid to admit that quite a few significant things have happened to me as a cause.

I love music. It's been a part of my life. I can't go a day without listening to something. My tastes have changed over the years, slowly molding to a like of general rock overall, mostly punk rock, some industrial and some experimental. I need to hear something with a beat, with instruments, loud and fast and hard. Some days, I need to hear something soft and sweet. Whatever the need, I just need to hear something.

I love writing. I don't think I've always been exceptionally talented until high school. But now that I've grasped the secret and discovered what my strengths in it are, I love it. I love the creative process of thinking up a story, its characters and the world they live in. I like being able to paint a picture with words. I like being able to bring people into a different world, and putting them into a character's shoes.

I love acting. It will always be my passion, no matter where life takes me. I get no better thrill than standing on stage and becoming someone else entirely. I love convincing the audience that I am that character. I love being able to project thoughts and emotions and a specific personality. I love letting who I am take a break for awhile while I decide to be someone else. I love impressing the crowd. I just love it all.

I'm not religious at all. I don't believe in the institution of religion. Who or what I believe in is my business. If God indeed exists, then we'll have our talk when the time comes.

I do not associate myself with political parties, ever. I associate myself with political ideals and theories, and I support people who can match those the best.

I am a tomboy. I think I was just born that way. I like guy stuff, like games and computers and joking and drinking and screwing around. I like being one of the guys.

Though I have female friends I love dearly, overall I can't stand the female sex. The female sex is superficial and constantly working to be a certain way socially, and I don't like that. I don't think fashion's necessary, I don't think I need a guy to be worth something, I'm not a slut for believing in casual sex and fuck buddies. I can think for myself, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

I am a bitch. No getting around that. If I don't like you, I'll tell you. If you're a jackass who should get a life, I'll tell you. I'll insult you, I'll give you sarcastic responses, I can cut you with my sharp tongue and fast wit. And I won't care.

But, I'm also the nicest person you'll meet if you're on my good side. I will put myself out there for my friends, always. If you've got my trust, then I've definitely got your back. And I will be loyal.

I don't really hate anyone. I just dislike.

I have big dreams and ambitions, and I know I'll achieve them.

I look up to my older brother, always have. He's helped me not be as much of a fuck-up as I could've been.

My friends are my family. No matter if I've known them for a month or for years.

There's nothing I like more than being able to laze around, with no worries about what might come ahead.

Honestly, I think love can go fuck itself. There's no such thing as the one. I can content myself with having good friendships. That's more important in the long run than a relationship that falls apart in the end and destroys what once was.

To contradict what I just wrote, I am still capable of feeling things that are more than just friendship for people.

I like two people, which I realized the other day. If I could have them both, I would. But I think it would be best we just remain friends.

I'm not ashamed to admit my mistakes.

I'm not ashamed to admit that going to Chicago wasn't the best idea ever. But I also admit that it was the best thing to do, for all the reasons I wouldn't have expected. I proved my point, I learned that I'm not a fuck-up, and I discovered that I have the ability to change myself.

I tripped and fell, hard. I'm not ashamed to admit that for a couple of months, it felt as though I'd been left at the roadside, barely able to walk, and with almost no desire to live. But, what little will to live I had left helped me slowly, surely, crawl slowly back, until I could finally stand up again, head high and ready to live again.

It took awhile, but I finally put the pieces of my heart back together.

I have a slight distaste for humanity but I like being with people.

I'm a lot of things. I'm a bitch, stubborn, sarcastic, aloof, fun-loving, introspective, outgoing, stupid, silly, intelligent, apathetic, loyal, witty, cute, flirty, funny.

At the end of the day, though, when I kick off my shoes and throw myself on my bed, I'm just me. Love me or hate me, I don't give a fuck.

On writing

So I recently completed a new short story, and I figured it'd be cool to share. Please note, if anyone steals it and I find out, I will reign misery on you. It's already copyrighted under my pen name over at Fiction Press.

Ice Cream

I could hear a noise in the background, the same one for the fifth time in a row. I turned around. 7:05am, read my clock. Guess it ignores the fact that I hit the snooze button after awhile. But goddammit, I really didn’t want to get up. Then again, when do I ever want to get up? It’s the same old thing, day after fucking day. I looked up towards the window blinds. Already the sun was starting to peek in. As always, the sun refuses to go against my own wishes. But I’d already had it up to here with that alarm clock, so I figured that it was either get up and finally start the day or break the clock, and I didn’t really want to waste more money on more clocks. So I shut off the alarm, and got up from the bed.

As I looked on the date of the calendar, I saw that it was the sixteenth of July. I tried my best to remember what was so important about today, but nothing seemed to light a spark in my head. It can’t be that important if I can’t remember, I thought to myself. So I simply shrugged it off and went about the tedious process of dressing and eating. Though I couldn’t remember why today might be important, I did manage to realize that I’d been sleeping for one day straight. I guess that’s what happens when you come home completely fucked up from that previous night’s wild adventures. That’s all my life seems to revolve around nowadays: sleeping, trying to go to class or work, and getting fucked up. It’s all I can bring myself to do anymore.

But finally, I fixed the last piercing back where it belonged, grabbed my bag, and walked out the door. I might not have much to look forward to, but maybe the effort might count for something.

Well, that’s what I thought. As I arrived to work, I noticed that something was out of place, though at first, I wasn’t sure what it might be. My coworkers regarded me differently, almost as though I didn’t belong there anymore. That couldn’t be a good sign. As I put my things away, I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Can we talk, Alex?”

This really wasn’t a good sign, but then again, there was no way I could weasel out of this one. For a few weeks, I’d been hearing that the manager wanted to speak to me (or more like, corner me and kill me for all the times I’ve skipped out on work), so I’d been trying to dodge the guy. But it seems that today, he finally caught me.

“Have a seat,” he said to me as I entered his office, gesturing towards the empty chair. I took his suggestion and sat down. “Look,” he said as he sat down in his own chair, “I’m going to be frank. Yesterday was the tenth time you haven’t shown for work without even excusing yourself. I can’t have this. I hired you because your sister begged to me practically on her knees.” He took a long, deep sigh, and shook his head. “But I can’t keep you on anymore. I’m going to have to let you go.”

I looked down at my Converse the whole time. To be honest, it’s not as though I hadn’t seen this coming. And yet, even as I told myself I needed to start being responsible and start going to work, I just couldn’t bring myself to. Here, then, was where it all came crashing down over me. So it was a wake-up call. I was finally starting to wake up and open my eyes a little. But it still didn’t seem so bad to me. It was summer, and class would start in about a month. It should matter to me that I no longer had a job, but all I did was shrug it off.

As I walked out of the building, I reached into my pocket for my cellphone. If anything, I did feel bad for my sister, so I figured that it should at least be me to tell her I’d just been fired.

“Hello?”

“Hey, sis.”

“Oh, hey Alex. What’s wrong? Shouldn’t you be at work?”

I sighed. This wasn’t going to be pretty. “Yeah, about that. Uh, look…I’m really sorry, I am, but…well, I got fired.”

There was silence for awhile. I checked the phone’s screen to be sure the call hadn’t been dropped.

“Alex, you know I do my best for the both of us. And it took me an unbelievable amount of persuasion to convince Kurt to hire you. And this is how you repay me? Look, you know what, forget it. Don’t call me anymore, I’m sick of this. What on earth am I going to do with you?” Click. I slipped my phone back in my pocket.

That’s okay sis. I don’t know what to do with me either. So if you don’t know, it’s not a problem. What am I supposed to do with myself? I just didn’t see the point in…well, in the day to day living, in life, in anything. How am I supposed to figure this out if I can’t bring myself to care? I wish I could care a little about something, but it just hasn’t been the same.

Well, I thought, maybe I should grab some food. That might make me feel better. I looked into my wallet, to see how much I had. Except that I didn’t have any money on me at all. I even checked the change pocket. Nothing. I just remembered that today was pay day, but since I hadn’t shown my face to work in a week, I probably didn’t even have a paycheck. So not only did I not have a job anymore, but I had no money. And I know my debit card had nothing on it either. Great, this was just great. I could go back to my dorm, but why bother? There was nothing to do there, and I probably had little to no edible food.

So, I was jobless, broke, and it seemed that I was now sister-less. At least my parents aren’t alive, because otherwise they could disown me too. And I didn’t even want to think about Marie.

After walking for awhile, I finally decided to sit down on a bench. I looked at my watch. It read 5:18 in the afternoon. I guess I’d been drowning myself in my self-inflicted misery for so long that I lost track of time. I wasn’t even exactly sure where I was in the city. Looking at a sign or two would fix that, but I didn’t really care at the moment. All I wanted to do was sit and just stop thinking. If I kept thinking about it all, I just knew that it’d really come crashing in on me.

Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. “Here.” I looked up. A young woman was standing next to me, smiling kindly and holding out a cone of ice cream. I wondered what time it was, since the sun was already half-done setting over the tall city buildings, but honestly, I didn’t care to even look at my watch anymore. What was far more intriguing at the moment was this random woman, who was pretty damn good-looking to begin with, offering me some free ice cream. Well, I was broke and hungry, so maybe this was just a little bit of luck. Or maybe the ice cream was poisoned. So I reached out and grabbed the strawberry ice cream that was seemingly being offered to me for free.

“Thanks,” I said quietly.

“I’ve been watching you sitting out here by yourself and you looked pretty sad,” she said as she sat down next to me. “And ice cream is always great to make people feel better.” Paying a bit more attention, she looked like she could be in her mid-twenties, young and vibrant. It was the total opposite of how I felt about life at the moment. “So tell me, what are you doing here anyway?”

I shrugged. “Wasting time. I don’t really have anything else to do, to be honest.”

“Come on, you look like you’re younger than me, how can you say something like that?”

“Well, it’s not like I’ve got anything to live for.”

Silence hung in the air for a few moments. I wondered if maybe my intense depression was clouding things up and scaring her off. I didn’t really care though. She asked, so I answered. This ice cream was pretty damn good though.

“Did you lose it?”

I looked at her. “Huh? Lose what?”

“Your reason for living…did you lose it somewhere?”

I hesitated. The answer probably hurt more to say than anything else, because I could never bring myself to say it. “A long time ago I did. But that’s done and over with. It’s not like it matters anymore.” And I realized I still wasn’t ready to really say it. I didn’t have the courage to yet.

Lifting a hand, she brushed some hair out of my eyes. The nice thing about my hair was that it just fell into place no matter what. Life, however, had proved to be the exact opposite of my hair. “Have you tried to find a new reason yet?”

“No. I can’t seem to find something.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean you should quit. As long as you’re still walking, talking and breathing, that means you’re not allowed to quit and stop trying. The reason you’re looking for might not be all that apparent right now, but if you’re able to sit here, eating free ice cream, wasting a valuable day away, you can also find your answer.”

I wondered. Had I not quit already? Somehow, I could’ve sworn that I’d just thrown the towel in on that day, giving myself up for dead pretty much. What should stop me from not quitting yet?

“How’s the ice cream?” she asked.

“It’s pretty good,” I said as I finished the last bit of it.

“If you can still enjoy something as simple as ice cream, you’ve still got it in you to find your reasons and your own answers.” She stood up, smiling again. “So promise me you’ll come by my shop again,” she said, pointing in front of her. The entire time I’d been sitting in front of an ice cream store, and I hadn’t even noticed.

I smiled. “Sure.” I felt my pocket to see if I had any change. Wishful thinking… I thought to myself. “Would you happen to have any change you could lend me? It’s for the bus home. I don’t want to walk…”

She laughed. “Here,” she said, handing me a few quarters. “That should get you where you need to go.”

“Thanks,” I said as I stood up. “This’ll really help me out.” I walked away, towards the next bus stop, waving behind me. Oddly enough, I felt a bit more lighter than usual. Or maybe the ice cream was just that good. I guess I would probably need to come back eventually.


I pushed the glass door open, not thinking about it too much. A few days had passed, and somehow, I’d felt compelled to come back here. Looking around, that young woman was nowhere to be seen, so I simply looked through the glass counter, at the different ice cream flavors the store had to offer. There was everything from simple flavors like vanilla and chocolate to strangely enticing combinations like mint Oreo and fruit punch. Seeing all these offerings made me wish my financial status were a bit more stable so I could buy something. From a short distance, I heard a jingle of sorts.

“So you’re back,” said that vibrant woman to me, smiling. “I was hoping I’d see you again.”

I looked at the clock behind the counter. It read 8:15pm. Since I was jobless, penniless and it was still summer, I had nothing better to do than to walk from my dorm room all the way here. When not screwing around, I had a relatively boring life.

“I was bored,” I replied off-handedly. “And when I realized that I had no money to actually buy more ice cream, I was already almost here anyway.”

She smiled again. “Don’t worry about it, have another cone on the house. I’ll join you this time. Oh…” She looked out the window. I followed in suite, and realized that it’d just started to rain. “Oh well, we can eat in here. Sit while I get the ice cream ready.”

Obediently, I found a two-person table right next to the window. I always thought the city looked more surreal at night, and especially when it was raining. The water would just pour over it all, blurring everything sight, making things seem less real than they should be. It reminded me of my life, which was nothing but a day-to-day basis of unreality.

“Here you go,” she said, mimicking her gesture from a few days earlier as she gave me my ice cream. “It’s cotton candy this time.” I took a lick. It really did taste like cotton candy, only better since it was less sweet. As she sat down, I noticed the woman had vanilla ice cream.

“So tell me,” she said, “what’s your name?”

“It’s Alex,” I said as I swallowed. “And yours?”

“Just Ren.” It seemed like a very simple name for someone so seemingly profound, but it fit her quite well.

“So tell me,” she said as she slowly ate her ice cream, “anything new in life?”

“Not really,” I said as I shook my head. “I guess I’ve just been wasting this impromptu free time. I have no job, I have no money, and class doesn’t start again for another month.”

“You’re a student?”

“In college, I suppose.”

“What do you major in?”

“Graphic arts, specializing in drawing. It’s really the only thing I’m honestly good at, even if my art’s lacked inspiration or beauty for years.” I shrugged. “I mean, it still meets my professors’ standards, and people think it’s really great stuff. But to me, it’s nothing special. Nothing about anything I’ve done since I started has impacted me, and I really hate it.”

“Does it have anything to do with not finding your reason?” she asked.

“I guess.” I continued to eat my ice cream thoughtfully. This was honestly the best stuff I’d eaten in awhile. It was just right, not too soft or hard, not too sweet or devoid of sweetness. It was a perfect balance of everything that made ice cream great, and it made me both appreciate Ren’s kindness and enjoy this sort of treat for once.

“What was your reason?”

“It’s not important anymore.”

“It is if you basically have no life in you anymore.”

I hesitated, focusing my attention on the streets outside. Perhaps for showing me kindness twice without really knowing me, it might be worth it to tell her. She is asking me, at any rate, and I guess it would be rude to say no.

“My parents died when I was very little. I barely knew them. My older sister, who was sixteen at the time, basically took care of me and my twin sister afterwards, even when we moved in with a single aunt of ours. If not for her, I would be worse than I am now. But even more important was my twin sister. We were inseparable, always. Whatever she did, I did, wherever I went, she went. We always knew what the other was thinking, and we always had each other’s backs.”

The outside seemed to blur more. I could almost feel myself slipping between my unreality and what was actually going on outside.

“It was funny, because I was the one who could draw, and she was the one who could sing. Her voice was beautiful, always. It always cheered me up. All I had to do was look at Marie, and she’d sing for me. Clara loved it too. Even though we loved each other very much, there were things that I never knew about Marie though, and they became more apparent as we got older.”

Now my voice was shaking. I didn’t want to keep going, but my voice couldn’t stop at all.

“One day she was fine…and the next, she wasn’t. I didn’t know she had that…that disease. I never quite knew how she got it, but I can imagine. We were fifteen at the time, and there were days that she wouldn’t come home, or answer her phone. But she was still fine. It was just a cold. It shouldn’t have been so bad. But it was, and there was nothing I could do. I’d see her at the hospital every day, and I’d talk to her, and I’d tell her of all the new sketches I did so she could see them when she woke up, but she never woke up, she never opened her eyes again, and I never heard her voice again even though it was all I wanted even though it was all I lived for and she’s gone and I just don’t know why I’m still alive and she’s not!”

All of it, all of those words and a whole lot more just stumbled out before I could stop myself. Or more like, I couldn’t stop myself. It was all a bunch of bottled up feelings that I’d been carrying around for so long. I never said any of this to anyone, not even Clara. I stayed silent at the funeral. And for the next five years I’d simply detached myself from most everything in life. All this lead me here: in an ice cream shop, past 8pm, with a woman I barely know, confessing my life story, with my life completely in shambles. The only thing I wasn’t sure of was why on earth had I not killed myself yet.

“Hey, come on, calm down…” I felt her hand on my shoulder. It seemed to be pulling me back to the reality I’d so wanted to return to. It felt so good. I wasn’t sure how long I was there in that chair, face buried in my arms, almost incomprehensible. After awhile, I just remembered getting up, that hand of hers guiding me out the door and to her car, and at some point, walking into her apartment and falling asleep on her couch.

After a few hours, I woke up, a bit startled. But then I remembered what’d happened. I looked at my watch. It read 12:11am. I sat up, and saw Ren sitting on a chair, illuminated slightly by a soft lamp next to her. All of a sudden, I had a great idea. Getting up quietly, I grabbed a piece of paper in the kitchen, a pencil, and a sturdy phone book. Sitting back down just as quietly, I contemplated this relaxed Ren. She honestly was beautiful, simple in her appearance, with short black hair, a simple white dress, and a pair of sandals. It contradicted my own appearance: chin-length blue hair (dyed of course), a vintage punk rock shirt, studded jeans and Converse sneakers, plus a multitude of piercings.

Smiling to myself, I put pencil to paper and began to draw first the face...

…and finally done, I looked at it. It was beautiful, just like Ren. It actually meant something, the first sketch to mean something since Marie died. I liked it. Signing it, I wrote a note on the back as I got up.


Ren, thanks for listening. Enjoy the drawing.

P.S. I also…borrowed some change so I could get back home. I’ll pay you back.


I opened the door of the shop. It was 9:14am on a Sunday, a couple of weeks after I’d last seen Ren. Being summoned by the door’s jingle, I could see Ren’s form walk in.

“Well well, if it isn’t Alex. What brings you here so early?”

I smiled. “I wanted some ice cream. Plus, I kinda owe you money,” I said as I pulled out a few dollar bills.

“Don’t mention it,” she said, taking them. “So what’ll it be?”

“I’ll take a double-scoop strawberry. I need to do some late celebrating.”

“Oh? What was the occasion?” she asked as she gave me my cone.

“My birthday. That day you gave me ice cream over in front of the store was my birthday. I’d completely forgotten until the other day, and since Friday was payday, I figured I’d come by and treat myself a little.”

“Well, in that case, have this on the house too,” she said happily. “I’m glad to hear you have a new job.”

“Yeah, it should tide me over.”

“That’s good. I’m glad.”

I took a lick of my ice cream. It was just as delicious as the first time around.

“Have you found it?”

I looked at her. I noticed her eyes were blue. It matched her perfectly.

“No. But I may as well try now.” I hesitated, not sure if I could say it, but figured, what the hell. “Thank you.”

She smiled. I loved that smile of hers now. “Thank you for that sketch.”

I turned towards the door, waving behind me. “I’ll be back soon…when I find my answer.” I walked out of that ice cream shop, down the sidewalk. I couldn’t say everything was right and perfect again, and I didn’t think it would be for awhile. This isn’t some movie, after all.

But the ice cream was, as usual, practically perfect.

On not quitting

And so I thought about it. On Saturday, while walking around Plaza, I realized that I've been feeling incredibly lonely. Strangely enough, I should've realized it on Friday night because, thanks to the magic of alcohol, the truth sorta slipped out. But it was in a way that I didn't really think about it until I was sober the next day. And I didn't think I was that drunk either. Man I'm a lush. But at least I've got good friends.

Anyway, I thought about it. I made a few promises to myself at the beginning of the semester. I told myself that this year would not be like last year. 2006 sucked overall, so I wanted 2007 to be different. I told myself I would be different from who I was. And I told myself that I didn't need love and that I would not like anyway. For the most part, it's been going just as planned. 2007 so far has been so much better than 2006. I mean, it's had its ups and downs, but isn't that normal? It makes me normal, at least. I'm slowly trying to be a different person, a better person, and I think I've done a good job on that. But I broke my last promise twice, falling for two different guys, both of whom I shouldn't have liked in the first place. They're great guys, and they're great friends too, but anything beyond that is something that should not be contemplated. As my friend Maru puts it, they're fun to flirt with, fun to hang out with and are good friends, but other than that, don't even bother. Well, I won't lie, I wouldn't mind sleeping with either of them. But then, I can separate casual sex from serious emotions, I've never had a problem there.

And so I thought about it. I like someone I shouldn't. I'm very lonely. I feel like there's nothing good left for me in life right now. On the bus back (and let's think for a moment, hot damn, I actually caught a bus?), these thoughts just came to me: "Is there nothing left for me in life? Will I never be swept off my feet again? Will I ever mean more to him, or to any guy for that matter? Have I reached the end of the line? Is this all life has to offer me?" If not for the fact that the bus wasn't empty, I probably would've cried right there. I just waited till I was on the train, since it was empty where I was.

And so I thought of my options. Apparently I'm not allowed to kill myself, and I'm also not allowed to quit. So what can I do? Well, part of me wants to just disappear and die quickly. But you know what? I'm not going to listen to that part of me. That part of me needs to shut the fucking hell up. I'm a lot stronger than that. Hell, my strength of character and strength of heart are my defining characteristics. I shouldn't let my current place in life shoot me down, not by a long shot. I've survived everything life's thrown at me up until now, and I'm almost 20, still alive and kicking. I'll get through this point, and I'll be laughing and pointing saying haha.

Another thing? I won't like him anymore either. In fact, I can already feel those thoughts floating away and fizzling out. Sure, I didn't want that to happen with this guy now, but I have no choice. I don't mean much of anything to him anyway. He might like me as a friend, and that's okay, that's great. I don't mind that one bit and I can totally live with that. It'll be the same as the guy I liked before. I'll just have them both as good friends to flirt with and laugh with and I'll be happy with that. I'm already happy with the thought, so I can do this no problem. I'll feel awkward on Tuesday when I see him again, but I can deal. It'll only last for some minutes, and the transition will be smooth and happy. Hell, I feel even better than sleeping on all this made me feel when I woke up in the morning. Besides, he proved to be a good friend that night. He didn't let me drink more after I was completely buzzed, he gave me a hug, and he was still nice to me overall. I can't ask for more than that.

And finally, I think it's high time I get back into the game. It's been awhile since I've wrapped a heart or three around my bitchy finger, and I feel I need to do it again. Not next weekend, since I'm going home, but the weekend after, I think I'll just go out to Viejo San Juan or Rio Piedras and work my way around men, see who'll fall into my traps. I don't want to date anyone anymore, because romance and love make me sick right now. I just want to prove to myself I'm still perfectly capable of being a heartbreaker. I'm really done being a stereotypical heart-broken, lonely female, and I want to get back to being who I am usually. So props to me. I do need to get myself laid anyway.

Right now, I think I'm okay again. I feel I've reached another turning point in life, and this time, it'll be towards something better, not something worse. If I think about it like that, life's great now. I'll be fine. As I said, I've got great friends now. And I've always said that I love my friends more than anything, no matter how long I've known them. And God must be in a pretty good mood to help me find friends that actually care about me. If I can keep this, I'll be totally fine for as long as I need to be.

Life is good. It still has more to offer. I can't throw in the towel yet. I am, indeed, lonely, but I'm not ready to quit.

On making decisions

Yes, I know, there goes the pretty layout. See, as much as I loved it, the small font probably scared away readers, for fear of becoming blind. And, since I would love this blog to become popular (hah), I figured that a good way would be for said readers to be able to SEE the text. Yes, I could've made the font bigger on the layout, but to me, it ruined the entire aesthetic. I'm sorry, I'm an artist, I can't help it. So, unless the fanfare is big enough and wants the layout to return, I don't think I'll put it back up. As I've said, I do want to make a new layout soon. Well, when I feel like it. Maybe summer. During the one month I won't be taking class.

Anyway, I've been checking this place out, called SAE, which gives degrees in sound engineering. At the moment, my major in Sagrado is Producción y Mercadeo para la Radio. My minor, more than likely, will be in Relaciones Públicas. After this, I was thinking of getting a degree or a masters in something along the lines of music production and engineering. SAE is one place that shows promise. It has campuses all over the world, and I think the Miami campus offers MacBooks as part of the degree. Or the NYC one. But the one i like most is in Sydney. Another program I've checked out is NYU's Clive Davis Department, which looks absolutely amazing. It's basically Recorded Music, which is a combination of music production and engineering. If I could afford it, I'd love to go.

At any rate, it's been on my mind since I moved back home, but my dad was pretty much telling me today to look into majoring in another degree, because he knows I love those "arts" things, but to think about something that will make money. I then told him I'm not in "arts" things anymore, I'm a Communications student. But of course he decides to continue being condescending, as though I don't think about these things. Yes, I know radio doesn't bring in a lot of money. But my plan isn't to be in radio per se. My plan is to go into the music industry, being the person who not only helps engineer music, but also produces music for artists and bands. I do realize that in the crazy music industry, you start from the very bottom up (I look forward to being the gopher girl), but I want to become one of those big names you hear about that produce for bands and artists. Plus, with the this degree and minor and the next degree I get, this is how I see it: I'll be able to engineer music, produce it, figure out how to make it sell, and be the medium between the artist/label and the press/public. To me, it's a good combination.

But right now, I'm more irritated than anything else. It irritates me that dad talks to me about studying something that makes money, because I pretty much changed majors to make him and mom happy. I was a Theater major. And I loved it. But, I switched to be a Communications student as a way to make ammends for being the fuck-up I turned out to be. I also switched because I realized that, as much as I love acting and the theater, not only will good work be hard to come by, but unless I have the right connections, it'll be near impossible to get where I want. It's a harsh and sad truth, but this is also me attempting to be realistic. I think the plan I have up there is not only realistic, but is completely achievable, and will end up with me making a shitload of cash.

More than that, I think I'll be hapy doing this. There are three things I love doing on this earth: acting, writing and doing something with music (listening, making). If I can do any of these three things, I'll be the happiest person alive. Since my current plan and goal is both realistic and involves one of my three passions (an "arts" thing), I think I'll be okay. I think that my dad should quit being condescending towards me about this though. In fact, it still irritates me so much that I'm going to lay out my entire plan to him tomorrow, even if I have to make him listen (he has a habit of not listening). I know that my future is important and that I should carefully make my decisions. But my decisions are mine to make, and no one elses. A friend once described me as self-assured. And it's true. I always know what I want, when I want it. And I want this now.

In other news, this is the funniest thing I've seen in days.

On putting the pieces together

So, to all you Christians out there who practice this in some way, I hope you have a good Holy Week? I dunno, I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to tell people to go ardently do what they believe in when it comes to Holy Week. Christmas is fine, I just say Merry Christmas. Holy Week's another story. Maybe Happy Easter would do it? I guess this is the trouble of being a misfit agnostic. Or, more precisely, of not having a religion due to the fact that I don't believe in the institute of religion. I could go on and on about this, but I think my religious views can be saved for another blog entry.

The upside of Holy Week is that, well, I've got the whole week off. It's the Puerto Rican version of spring break I guess. Except that, unlike most spring break people, I'm not off partying. I'm just spending the week unwinding and being way more boring than during a school week. It's sort of twisted and fucked up logic, but well, it works for me. Seeing as I don't have plans for the week so far that I know, and I am doing my best to unwind, basically all this free time gives me a chance to think. I mean, okay, I already think a little too much to begin with, but with the absence of usual worries like going to class, getting work done, not falling asleep, going out, and all that, I can think of other things.

SO I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS WHAT IS ONE THING THAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND. Well, it's not exactly the topic of love per se. It's more like, I'm trying to analyze and put the pieces together of one guy in particular. As I'm sure I've mentioned, I've currently got my eye on a guy nicknamed Gian. That's fine and good. I'm not denying it to myself right now anymore. I know I like the guy for a lot of reasons. But what I keep turning over and over in my mind right now, actually, isn't whether or not I like him, or why I like him. Right now, what I'm trying to do is figure out his stance on me.

Now, this could sound simple. But, Gian is a very...complex guy, so to say. I mean, he's a guy, so there're a lot of things he's not complicated about (sex, being a dickhead, food). It's more when you try getting down to a deeper level. It's so very clear that he doesn't let on to what he's really thinking at least half the time. And he's also very smart, which is something you wouldn't noticed since él se viste como un tirao and isn't the most applied student on earth. I have made the effort to get to know him more. I like talking to him, and whenever he asks me how life is, I tell him and ask him back, or vice versa. And I took the opportunity a couple of weeks back to ask him a couple of things I was curious about, over beer and smokes. Oddly enough though, when he asked me who I liked, I refused to tell him. (I'm still smacking myself over that.)

But I can't really tell what he thinks about me exactly. I guess he thinks I'm a good friend. I know he doesn't hate me. Beyond that, though, I have no idea. The reason I'm so confused is that, since he's smart (and a cunning bastard), he has a habit of outsmarting me and of getting under my skin. Sometimes, he might say this or that that makes me hit him. Sometimes he'll be nice. Most of the time he'll tease me or purposely provoke me. But the killer is this. Two times, in a group of people (the second time when we went out drinking), he's said, for no reason (or so I thought), "Ah, creo que Di me odia". I don't think I said anything the first time he did that, but the second time, I said, "Uh, dude, no I don't hate you, I like you quite a bit. You're the one who hates me". And I found out he doesn't hate me due to the fact that he said, "De dónde diablos sacas eso?" But, what I wouldn't think about until much, much later, is that he was probably playing dumb to figure out where I stood, since I didn't tell him when he asked me directly.

Overall, I'm still slightly annoyed, because it means he outsmarted me AGAIN. But more than annoyed, I'm trying to figure out what to do to see where he stands now. I can't bet against him (I've learned my lesson never to bet against that fucker again). So I don't know how to get around his defenses and render him to my feet. I like the challenge, though. I always like it when I come across a guy who's a challenge. But it's also frustrating since I hate to lose. I had a tarot card reading the other day, and one suggestion from the cards was to stop with the strategy and the subtlety and be direct about it. But I just wonder how to be direct since I really don't enjoy rejection when it comes to dating. I'm really just not sure. Actually, I think I should talk to my friend Gabe once the week's over and class stars up again. He usually has good advice and an inherent sixth sense. So I might figure out what I could (and should) do by then.

It's quite strange though. I'm not betting everything I have on this dude, but I've turned down the last three guys who've asked me out on dates. I don't know why either. It would've been a sure-fire shot at getting laid at least, and I would've gone out and had some fun in the process. And yet, I said no to these guys. I really, really don't know why. Well, if I figure it out, I'll get back to you guys on that.

So, happy Easter. Get loads of those Peep marshmallows.

On the heart and stupid haircuts

I was talking to a friend of mine, Maru, over MSN the other night. Her boyfriend had just dumped her, mainly because, though she might love him, she can't seem to get her heart back from the previous boy who'd stolen it. Because the advice I gave her was some of the most philosophical things I've said in a long time, I think I'll pass it on here, to you guys. I'm r o c k ~ s t a r, she's d e l e t e.

d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
i dont know if i'll be able to fall inlove again, honestly..
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
*pat*
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
oh well
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
you'll get your heart back though, and when you least suspect it
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
just don't sweat it too much
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
....i hope so
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
honestly thats the only reason i cried when this relationship ended
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
because i came to a realisation...that I dont think i'll ever fall inlove again
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
you will, trust me...but for now, just give yourself some space to put it all back together
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
...ok
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
i have somebody to numb my lust over with
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
atleast
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
but see...theres no love there
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
with this guy its sheer lust
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
well, maybe that's all you need right now, no strings attatched or anything
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
or at least, no serious, long-lasting strings
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
but could it be that i just cant?
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
well
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
the funny thing about love and the heart is that, no matter what happens, it always remains very resiliant
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
you'll be more cynical and realistic as time goes on
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
but being able to love someone is something that never goes away, no matter how jaded you are or how hurt you've been
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
of course, you forget this at the time you're hurt, because it's painful, I know I have and do
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
but hey, it's what makes us human, the good and bad
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
me, I know love still exists aunque me esta pichando, I just need to be made to see it again
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
lol
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
love te esta pichando >>
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
it sounds so sad I know >_>
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
in your case, love's on an extended break being a whore, but when it's done and sees you're still there, it'll realize what it's been missing out on
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
having nothing but beer and beer nuts to dine on
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
and it'll think to itself "hot damn, what the fuck is wrong with me?"
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
xD!!!!!!!!!!!
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
q viaje but it's true
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
hmm..*kicks love* DEJA LA BORRACHERA YA!
.: r o c k ~ s t a r :. sweet peppermint roses says:
*texts love* I KNOW YOU'RE THERE *stalker*
d e l e t e----[ f * c k i t uP a n d l 3 t i t g0 ] says:
xD!!





Moral of the story: maybe I should take my own advice sometimes. But then again, I'm still feeling too jaded to want anything to do with anyone. And yet, I still like someone. I'm not sure what to think over that though, because I no longer like John. Now, I like his brother, Giancarlo. Why?! You know, though, funnily enough, my feelings towards each switched on the same night, that night that John started tapping the hell out of Samaris. But I know why I like Gian. He's a pessimistic jackass, plain and simple. That's the only type of guy I usually see myself dating anyway, seeing as I am bitch myself.

I don't know what to do though. In fact, I don't even want to do anything this week. It's raining por acá en San Juan, and it seems to have sapped me of my usual bounce and energy. All I want to do is stay inside and read and do nothing. Piché a dos de tres clases hoy, which I know will bite me in the ass on Thursday, but hey, you know what? I don't care right now, so HA. Thankfully, I only have one class tomorrow, so I don't think I'll skip it. I really need to stop that anyway. Genius will only get me so far. Like, studying for HUM130 the same day of the test and still getting a 97.

Well, you know, I don't care about being intelligent at the moment. I know I am. I just want my love life to go back to the way it was. It's funny. I was looking at a pic of my ex on Facebook, and almost immediately I had to click somewhere else. I just couldn't keep looking at him. It's been five months, so you'd think I'd be over it. And yet, I can't even look at a picture of him. Not only does it tear me on the inside, it makes me feel worse about the current state of my love life. I just don't get how everyone else seems to have the luck. I might be the girl respects because I'm a bitch, but where does that get me if no guy wants to get close to me? At least I'm not a doormat. That's a small positive.

In other news, this picture, from http://postsecret.blogspot.com/, made me giggle.

It's terribly amusing.

On social constructions

I think the thing most people tend to never realize is the fact that to have sex with someone, you don't necessarily even have to like the person, much less even love them. To have sex with a person, loving them is not a prerequisite.

So then, why is it that society perceives this as the day-to-day norm? This can probably be answered by the fact that love itself is a social construction. El amor es una construcción social, hecho por la sociedad. Though how society shapes the definition of this social construction varies over time and culture, its essence is always the same. The reason for this is because to be in love or to feel love for someone is defined by society, and the whys and hows are usually driven into people subconsciously. Point in case, why white people usually date white people, why rich people date rich people, ect.

Sex, then, as it fits into this particular social construction, is supposed to be an act of love between two people who are supposed to be married (or get married or live together), and will spend the greater part of their lives together. So let's destroy this concept bit by bit. First, marriage itself is slowly (very slowly, but surely) fading out of the norm. It's still widely practiced, obviously. But it's becoming a little antiquated, mainly because we humans are finally realizing that monogamy isn't something that comes natural to us. We can pretend all we like that when we're in a relationship we only have eyes for that person, but let's be honest, if someone you find attractive is around, those eyes are going to wander, least of all.

Second, as I already mentioned, humans are not monogamous. The reason for this is because we fall into the category of mammals in the greater kingdom that is nature. So, fun fact, ten percent of mammal species are monogamous. Humans fall in the other ninety percent. So the thought of being with only one person in your life, much less having sex with just one person, doesn't quite fit into nature's plans. And let's face it, sex is something humans need, not just to procreate, but as an actual physical necessity. If you're the type of zealot Christian who believes in celibacy before marriage, that's your problem. For my part, I intend to satisfy this human need whenever I feel I should, like eating and showering and such.

Finally, to completely smash these outdated notions of monogamy and celibacy, is this: Love is a social construction. It was invented by society to justify sex. Let's not beat around the bush here, when done right, sex and orgasms are the best feelings on earth. Humans are scared of this though. It feels good, but it feels too good. So it has to be justified somehow. And it can't be justified by saying that it's to procreate, because humans have reached the point that sex is needed for more than that, as I mentioned. Us, dolphins and certain species of monkeys know this. So in order to feel better about sex and lust and wanting someone, we invented love, despite the fact that to fuck a whore, all you need is to have your reproductive parts intact and the right state of mind.

I'm not saying love doesn't exist or is entirely useless. I just don't believe in it in the way society defines it, which is love towards one person above others. Love isn't like that at all. Love can be felt towards anyone in different ways and shapes. I love a lot of people, but the way I love each person is completely different, as is the degree. I'm perfectly capable of hooking up and having sex with most of my guy friends, but does that make me a whore? No, it makes me human, and that's the main thing people don't get. Though, to be fair, women do get the raw end of the deal. While casual sex is quite accepted among men, usually when women partake in it, society deems them whores, sluts, ect. Men know this, but they promise eternal love to get into most womens' pants. And women tend to think that they're worth nothing if they're not with a guy. That's where I draw the big, fat line. If you need someone to love in order to fit into society, because otherwise you're not worth a damn thing, then you're simply a shallow, hollow human being, with no substance to hold on to, and with a very screwed perception of what love is.

So then, what's my stance? I think it's already quite obvious. I don't think love is remotely necessary to have sex. It's a human want and need, therefore if I need to satisfy it, I will. I won't sleep with people I don't know, nor will I have one night stands. If any of this makes me a slut in society's eyes, then society can go fuck itself. And what about love? Well, just as I am agnostic when it comes to religion, I don't really believe in love anymore. Or at least, not the way it's commonly defined. To be much more precise, I can't believe in love, because I still can't forget my ex-boyfriend. I'm perfectly capable of liking and crushing on guys still, but the whole deal of serious relationships doesn't seem worth the trouble at the moment. If and when someone comes along and shows me that he's worth the time and effort, I'll reconsider my stance.

This entry is brought to you by lack of sleep. It was also inspired by some conversations I had with friends today.

On being respected

To my loyal audience of readers: I apologize for both not updating enough, and for not being more present 'round the blog ring. Honestly, I really don't have much time to spare to both update this blog and comment on other blogs. But, hopefully I'll be around more often during the summer. My audience must be loyal for a reason, so I gotta deliver more often.

So, as those of you who've been keeping up know, there's been this guy that I've been liking. Long story short, I haven't told him I like him or made a move or anything of the sort. My main reason is that I caught wind of the fact that he is, essentially, a man whore. He's a good guy, and a great friend, but somehow, dating a whore doesn't sound like a good idea, especially a man whore. Whores have a tendency to back stab and whatnot, and I kinda don't want to get caught up in that sort of game.

However, this doesn't take away the fact that I like him, because, I'll admit it, he's the type of guy I find most attractive: lazy, an asshole, fun-loving, loyal, quirky. But, sometime last week, a girl that no one knows just appears seemingly out of nowhere around our hangout spot. In essence, she is my antithesis: cute, girly, giggly, air-head, short. As I mentioned, the guy is a whore. Put two and two together. And of course, as is natural in human nature, I was jealous. I was less jealous of the fact that they're now hooking up than the fact that he hooked up with a girl that's my antithesis.

But, magically, my jealousy evaporated almost entirely on Monday, for one simple reason: I realized that he respects me as a friend as a person, more so compared to this girl. Compare this. That day, me saluda como siempre. We talk and joke as always. I accompany him to eat since his brother was running late. He pays the extra change for my food, without even having to. To that other girl, he says hi by making out, makes random casual talk with her, and makes out with her at every opportunity. Not to mention some other things that I don't want to know about, since it happened in the back of a classroom auditorium.

If I compare and think about it, I realize that I've got the better end of the deal. More than that, compared to this girl, he respects me. He is a friend who wants to have fun with me, not just get into my pants and then never speak to me again. But most of all, it finally gave me proof of what I've always been told all these years. Guys might hook up with the easy girls, but the girls they respect and keep around are the ones that are smart, funny and who can think for themselves. So I might not be getting laid, but I am getting a good friendship out of this. I value this much more than anything else.

This past weekend, I cut my hair short.



It's quite a difference, I know. But I'll let you all in on a secret. Though the cut isn't modeled around her, my reason for doing it are the same as Sakura's from the anime Naruto. She'd kept her hair long and pretty because she'd heard that the object of her affections, Sasuke, liked girls with long hair. But, when he and her other teammate needed her, she realized that she could no longer focus on such a trivial thing anymore. She needed to break away from this, and become strong enough to fight and protect. Granted, I wasn't being attacked by enemy ninjas when I went to cut my hair, but the idea was the same.

Quite philosophical, especially when you consider the fact that it's from an anime. My friend Gabe (who's also psychic) almost immediately compared me to Sakura when he saw me, so perhaps he's the only one who can see why I might've cut my hair. At any rate, it's different, it's cute, and I like it.

On a final note, I'll make a new layout in summer, with bigger font. I'm sorry, I just can't put the font bigger here. It doesn't look aesthetically right in my eyes, and I'm just as big on style as I am on content. It's sometimes hard to be an artist.

On having a life

It occurs to me that I haven't been updating as much as I've promised to. Then again, when I sit to think about it, life's been moving exactly the way I told myself it would at the start of the year: fast, hectic, and with almost no stops.

My classes, overall, have been going okay. I'm doing more than excellent in CMU101 and HUM130, I'm doing pretty okay in ADM102 and GME201, and MAT210...I don't want to talk about it. In terms of tests, I aced CMU101, probably did terrible in the MAT210 test, and hopefully did good on my ADM102 test. The ADM102 test was the test I put most effort in to study, because it was a lot of material. I was the last to leave, since I wrote tons. I hope my effort was for something. This week, I'm probably going to spend a few nights without any sleep studying, first for my GME201 test, and then for my HUM130 test. Though I'm naturally good at humanities and history, the HUM130 test still has me pretty nervous, but I'm more worried about GME201. I really, really don't want to do bad on either test. So I will probably just do the same thing I did for ADM102 and hit the pause button on my social life.

But hey, we all know that class is the least important part of college life. How about my social life, eh? It's pretty damn good. Since the semester's started, I've made a lot of new friends, and managed to keep the majority of my old ones. A lot of crazy stuff's happened, that's putting it quite lightly. I think a picture will be a good way to describe what I'm talking about.



If you find it hilarious, that's okay, so does everyone else. Pretty much, most of the week is a succession of random events that are almost impossible to string together. They usually involve liberal amounts of randomness, blatant stupidity and alcohol. Yes, I love my alochol. Probably more than most anything. I think it's fairly obvious that I'm most definitely my dad's daughter, since according to him, I'm just like him when he was my age: drinker, smoker, fucker, ect ect. But not to worry, I know my limits. If I didn't , I wouldn't be worried about my classes, right?

Now, I dunno, maybe I'm being harsh, but at least 3/4's of the time, I can't stand my roommate. She's out six out of seven days a week partying, for one. She gets back at 3-7am. She keeps leaving stuff on MY side of the room. And she's constantly inviting people in here, talking about this guy or that date. And it makes me sick. I'v e been more able to tolerate this since she was more than kind to lend me her ADM102 notes, but that feeling is going away. I really want my own apartment, but even if I managed to get a job, I won't be able to afford one. I'm thinking maybe I'll move in with my grandma, who lives in Bayamon, and just take the train up here to Sagrado every day. It would make paying for college easier, at any rate.

So, overall, life's good. It's stressful, fun, random, and each day is most definitely not like the last. I want life to stay this way all year. I hate monotany and boredom, and college life is definitely a remedy for both things.

To go with that, I must be off. LIFE CALLS.

On meeting the one at a rock show

No, I haven't met the one at a rock show. I was just listening to The Rock Show by Blink 182. It brings back memories of great summertimes, y'know?

It kind of makes me wonder where on earth does the time go. Does it go into a box we can't reach once we pass it? Or does it just disappear like smoke, never to be seen again? I sometimes prefer to think of time going into an unreacheable box. At least this way, it's somewhere, and isn't completely meaningless. Well, I'm also the type of person who thinks that sometimes, a person's past actions (and past itself) has nothing to do with the here and now. But that doesn't change the fact that, if something happened, it's still important, even if you can't hold on to those important moments.

What moments, if I could, would I hold onto, and never let go of? I'd hold on to that moment that my ex-boyfriend told me he loved me. I'd hold on to the moment I did what I thought I had to do to prove a point. I'd hold on to the moment I proved everyone wrong in Forensics. I'd hold on to the moment I felt like I mattered during the summer of 2002. Most of all, I'd hold on to the moments in which I was a little girl, still cute and still everything her parents wanted, and not marginalized by most others. Perhaps, then, it's better that we can't hold on to moments, even if they seem important to us. Life can't be about holding on to what's gone. It has to be searching for what's to come.

I commented to a good friend of mine the other night that I was feeling tired and numb in the romantic aspect of my life. She suggested I take a break. Now that I think about it, I need more than a break from romance and relationships and hookups and games. I need a break from myself. I'm quite happy with life right now, but at the moment, I'm kinda sick of myself, y'know? Then again, I do harbor slight feelings of misanthropy overall, but that's not new at all.

Well, I'm sure this'll go away this week. I'm home from Sagrado till very early Tuesday, to recharge my batteries overall, and I'm already half-done.

Man, I should go to a rock show soon. Anything except Mana though, since I'm most definitely not a fan of Sanish rock.

On further discussions about human emotions...or just love

So, my last entry was a quick and random thought about how incomprehensible human emotions can be. It was just a quick thought that I felt like expressing and sharing with my small audience here. This entry, however, will be me going more in depth about what motivated me to express that thought. Mainly, esto es para desahogarme, porque me estoy volviendo loca, and I need to write somewhere else that's not my emo LiveJournal.

So, most of the time, I consider myself to be a pretty logical and wise person. I don't like to lose my head over anything. And not just in romance, but in anything, I don't play hard to get; I am hard to get. Not a lot gets a chance to penetrate my heart, because I don't like that. When it comes to romance or anything remotely in that area, that aspect of myself crumbles into tiny, unrecognizeable pieces. In short, forget logic and forget previous wisdom. I just spend my time arguing to myself and letting my head and heart duke it out in an intermineable fight. And I drive myself insane. The main reason behind this is because one of my fears in life is rejection in the amorous sector.

But I'm not going into that now. I just wanted to give a quick background here, expanding on the thought I wrote yesterday. Now, onto the actual situation.

Once again, I'm a college student, as I've mentioned various times. I've also been trying to drag myself out of the remnants of feelings for the man I loved in my previous relationship, which I've also written about here. Now, when I moved back home from Chicago, I decided that I would just take a long break from love and relationships and all that shit, because I just didn't feel that it was worth it. Then, a few days before I was to move into la Resi de Sagrado, I made another promise: I was not going to fall for anyone for the rest of the semester, no matter what. I honestly didn't think this was a big problem, because I was tired of all that, and figured that just messing around and perhaps scoring sex of the casual kind would be just fine. It was the perfect plan.

Or not.

So, first day of class, I see all my old friends and start making new ones in the reject corner, one we affectionately have named "las mesitas". Por los que saben como es Sagrado y sus edificios, queda por donde esta Barat Sur. Now, while bored, and after my class of Estadisticas Aplicadas 1, I start playing brisca with my very good friend Leilani. Then it becomes a game of four, boys vs. girls. One guy I knew (and don't really like), the other I didn't. And the two of us kicked the boy's asses. The guy I didn't know says to me, "so, como te llamas, persona que no conozco?", hand extended so I could shake it. "My nick's Di," I tell him. "And you?" He smiles, and says it's John. After talking a bit with him, the things that strike at me most are:

1. He has a mullet. Why a mullet? It seriously makes me question God's existence, I swear.

2. He has a very nice smile. It's not in the sense that he has perfectly straight teeth or anything. It's just a good smile.

3. His sense of humor is actually a little similar to mine, quite sarcastic and whatnot.

4. I love his deep voice. It's nice. I like it. Yes.

So, remember that plan of mine, from a couple of paragraphs ago or so? Haha, thanks a lot Life, that's plan's so screwed now. Well, it's not that I've fallen so desperately in love that I can't sleep at night and can think of no one else or anything. I just (for the moment) kinda like him. Y'know, I think he's kinda cute, I'd love to go out with him, and I think he's cool and a lot of fun. And that I'd have a lot of good times with him if I were with him. But, regardless of whether I were considering him as a prospective husband or just a fun relationship, there's that fear of mine of rejection.

I don't mind getting rejected from a job. I don't mind getting rejected in an audition. But when it comes to the prospect of telling someone how I feel, I'm just a moron and a jackass. Let me put it like this:

Logic: Hey, what's the big deal? Either he likes you or not.

Emotions: BUT I CAN 'T STAND THE THOUGHT OF HIM NOT LIKING ME.

I think that's part of the problem of having my type of personality, which, while quite intuitive and logical, is completely dysfunctional when it comes to emotions. It's not that I can't deal with my emotions. I just suck at it. So, my long entry now begs the question: what will I do? Excellent question. As for the answer...well, I do plan on telling him. I'm not sure how, or when, but I will. Or try to anyway. If not, I'll just...I dunno, just keep torturing myself.

Phew. Well, I don't think I feel any different after writing this. But I did what I wanted.

On a random thought

This is proof that humanity will always have one thing about themselves that they will always fail to understand:

I have been through hell and back. I've faced countless amounts of rejections in all shapes and sizes. I've done things and seen places that most people won't do in most of their whole lifetime. I've risked a lot and I've taken chances in a lot of things. And yet, when it comes to telling one guy that I like him a lot, all that gets thrown out the trash, and I become an illogical moron who becomes petrified of the prospect of being rejected.

In short, no matter how much science advances, no matter if we get to the point that we can control computers with our brains, when it comes to a person we happen to have romantic interest towards, we will collapse and break apart. In an instant. Like sand. We humans are quite illogical when it comes to explaining such a silly thing like love or sadness, huh? It's just as well though. Wouldn't it be boring if we were able to figure out ourselves completely?

On upgrades

So, as most of you must've surmsed by now, I'm now back into this thing called "college life". I must say, I really did miss it. And, despite Sagrado's reputation for having a mostly snobby, rich-kid populace, I have managed to find solace in souls like my own. In other words, I hang out with the fuck ups and the screw ups and the art/humanities/revolutionaries. So I'm happy.

The only thing that was slightly wrong was the fact that I lacked a computer. Yes, I have my faithful desktop, which I love to death despite that a. it runs on 256MB of RAM; b. it sometimes feels like pissing me off for the hell of it; and c. the CD drive is now waging war against me. But, despite Sagrado's much-improved wireless network, there's not 'net connection in the dorm rooms, just in the lobbies. So, as one might imagine, bringing a desktop is impractical, considering that I can't drag it to the lobby and set it up every time I need to do work. Therefore, a laptop is a necessity...preferrably one with an integrated wireless LAN. In my case, since I'm now a Communications student, a Mac would've been the best choice. But I'm poor. And so are my lovely parents. Despite this, my dad (who I love dearly even when he's pissing me of 3/4ths the time) surprised me when I got home yesterday, ready to spend the weekend here: I had, on my bed, a brand-new Compaq Presario laptop, wrapped in adorable Hello Kitty wrapping paper.

Needless to say, I was quite shocked. I mean, I know my parents do their best to provide for me and my older sibling, but we're not rich, not by a long shot. So for my dad to get me this brand-new laptop that I'm currently typing on was more than I could've ever asked for. To further my surprise, it's one of the first ones to come packed in with Windows Vista Home Basic. A new computer AND a 3-day-old OS. In my own words: squee! Granted, I had originally planned to leave upgrading to Windows Vista for a year...but oh well.

So then, what's the deal with Vista and it's 20 different versions? Well, first, that's an exaggeration. There are, currently, four versions, and each depends on a computer's specs. Home Basic is the least taxing and the simplest, and is the one I currently run. There's also Home Premium, Business and Ultimate. These three are all 3D and are all "oh my god, my eyesockets are exploding!" Hme Basic is more like a shiny version of Windows XP, with differences that are only obvious once you sit down and actually use it. As usual, there're the pro-Microsoft people claiming that this is the next coming of computer OS's. And there're the anti-Microsoft people, divided into Linux lovers and Mac whores, who all claim that Microsoft is at least a few years behind in creating these upgrades for the mainstream OS world. Some people say that Vista is great, others scoff and say that it sucks.

From someone who's curretly using Vista at this exact moment as s/he types, what do I think of Windows Vista? Well...I'll summarize it like this: Windows Vista is actually like what would happen if Mac OS X mated with the bastard child of various Linux distros, had a child, and had Windows puke all over said child. Do I mean this in a good or bad way? In a good way, actually. My analogy simply means hat Microsoft is now making massive efforts to create an OS that's easy to use and is safe from things like hackings and syware, andd they're doing a great job thus far, about four days after Vista's initial release. Things are more streamlined, easier to access and figure out, and there're far less headaches.

However, note the Mac OS X and Linux distros comparation. A lot of the way things are presented visually are almost a carbon-copy of Mac OS X. Some of the way the menus configure strongly reminded me of a couple of Linux distros I'd tried before. I mean, imitiation is the best form of flattery, or so they say, but I do agree with some comments made that these upgrades should've been done years ago. Better late than never, I suppose. Another thing I don't get: why is it impossible for me to find my integrated WLAN adaptor's MAC address? Sheesh, talk about way too much trouble. At least it's not something I detrimentally need.

So, overall, do I recommend upgrading? Yes and no. Upgrade if you have the money and if your computer's got the specs to run it. Even better, upgrade to any version asides Basic if you can run it, so you can say that your eye sockets exploded due to the awesomeness. But, if your computer can't run any version, if you don't have the money to buy the upgrade, or the money to buy an entirely new computer, don't bother for at least a year. I've yet to encounter serious problems, but if previous Windows versions are anything to go by, I expect to find a bug or five soon, and the obligatory service packs with patches to fix it. Basically, if you're going to be an early adopter like me, do it while keeping in mind that from here to three years, Vista might be quite upgraded and far better. Also don't bother if you're a Mac crackwhore and would love nothing more than to be buried with your Mac.

I myself don't hate Macs by the way. It's my goal to own a Mac by the time I'm in my third year of college, actually. If I'm going to be into radio, I'll need it to edit sound. I'm just not an ardent whore of any OS. Whatever gets the job done, I'm happy, really.

On updating

So, it'd be at this precise moment in which I'd apologize for my lack of updating. Well, I don't really feel like it. Looking back at the date I last wrote an entry here, I realize it has been a few weeks though.

Strangely though, it's only been this week that I've actually been really busy. As in, non-stop busy. That's because I moved back to the dorms of Sagrado Sunday, and have been busy with class and other random things in between all week. I'm here writing this now, because I'm waiting for my laundry to be done. Seriously, can't laundry do itself? It's annoying to have to do it. I also did some food shopping. I'll do more tomorrow when my dad visits, so I don't have to drag soda all by my lonesome (it'd be heavy). I also wish my dorm allowed alcohol. If they did, I would have so much beer in my closet. Speaking of beer, out of the many random things I did this week, this was possibly the most random: I was at a bar with a French dude, a Colombian girl and an American girl, with two American dudes from Harvard, at a bar, playing pool and drinking beer, at 2am, in the middle of Old San Juan, on Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I suck at pool though, I just stuck around 'cause the French dude was buying me my beer.

So, I changed majors this semester, and I'll stick to it now, to Producción y Mercadeo para la Radio. It falls in the Communications department, which is great, since Sagrado is the best place on the whole island to study communications anyway. And, I take the following classes:

Principios de Mercadeo GME 201: The teacher was cool I guess. He basically just gave us a quick overview of the class, told us to buy the book used or borrow it off someone because it's $140 new, and stuff like that. But he seems pretty laid-back, so maybe a marketing class won't be so bad.

Estadísticas Aplicadas 1 MAT 210: I like the teacher. I do. But I wish she would've shut the fuck up about her life story, explained the syllabus and let us fucking leave early. That said, it's math statistics stuff, so nothing too hard for me.

Introducción a las Comunicaciones CMU 101: I'm not sure if it was because I was irritated when I got there (and halfway through I could feel my blood sugar take a dip), but I found the whole thing irritating. I just wanted to leave early and eat something. But the teacher seems real nice, so I should go with a more open mind next time.

El amor y su trayectoria por la historia HUM 130: I fucking love the professor who gives this class. And the title is so misleading, it's going to be a very kickass class. Albeit, I will also probably be working like a crackwhore.

Dinámicas de las organizaciones ADM 102: See, this class could be SO MUCH MORE BORING, but the professor makes it a lot more liveable. A LOT MORE LIVEABLE. He's pretty funny, and he was really straightforward. In fact, now that I notice, all the male professors I have this semester are straightforward. The female ones ramble too much.

So, it'll be interesting. I actually enjoy all my classes except for MAT210. It's a boring class by default though, and I may as well get it over with this semester.

Anyway, random thought of the moment: it'd be hilarious if I actually met some of you people who live in San Juan while I'm out and around. Well, I think my laundry's done, so I'm just going to go get that and try cooking (hah).

On goals for 2007

Feliz Navidad, Feliz Año Nuevo, y Feliz Día de Reyes. Ah, y felicidades to whatever you celebrated these past few weeks, por si se me quedó algo. I mean, since we have to be all politically correct to avoid offending the POOR JEWISH PEOPLE WHO DON'T EVEN BELIEVE IN JESUS. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate Jewish people. Or any type of person of x religion or y ethnicity or z sexuality. But last I checked, Christmas was supposed to be celebrated for the birth of Jesus Christ. Don't get mad at me if I somehow couldn't tell that you're Jewish or Muslim or whatever and just so happen not to celebrate Christmas. Just appreciate the fact that I had the kindness to even SAY Merry Christmas to you. IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS. And not many people appreciate that, so it seems.

So anyhow, Christmas was cool, New Years was cool. Three Kings will undoubtedly be uneventful, but that's fine, since I only ever started celebrating it when I moved here when I was ten. As for the rest of you, I hope you all are having a good holidays. I'd check in your individual blogs (for those that read and are on my blogroll or whatever), but laziness takes ahold of me. That, and I feel like writing in one of my novels when I'm done here. Or maybe just go play my DS Lite. That's right, I finally got one, and it's awesome. People of all ages and creeds should own a DS Lite. End of story. But I do apologize for lack of updates recently. I chalk it up to a combination of enjoying the holidays, being lazy, and concentrating on my other blogs. I need to stop being such a blog whore. But I love it.

Anyway, I'm not the type to make resolutions or anything like that. But this year, what I want to try and do is make up a list of goals I want to achieve, and at the end of each month, look back at what I've done during said month, and see if I've accomplished anything related to my list. If I've accomplished nothing on the list, but I have accomplished something, that will count too, since this is not the make- or break-all of everything. On to the list!

Goals for 2007

1. Get through one year of college (as in, be in college two semesters in a row). Also, maintain my current GPA of 3.83 and perhaps get it higher. This shouldn't be too hard, provided I have the money. I do want to work partially to help pay for my studies. If my parents move, then I'll have to decide if I want to continue studying here (since it's far cheaper here than in the US), or if I'm going to transfer. But unless I accomplish another goal that'll be on this list (more on that in a bit), I am going to get a year's worth of studying done.

2. Get to know more people, go out on more casual dates than I'd normally subject myself to, and generally have fun and play hard. It's not as though I'm anti-social, or that I lack socializing skills, or that I don't have any friends already. I just want to work on getting to know more people. These people won't even be close friends who know me inside out (and I don't want them to be as such). They're just going to be interesting people that I genuinely want to talk to and hang out with when time provides. The casual dating is less for physical gratification and more to observe different types of guys and, well, live it up.

3. Work hard, and get a part-time job. Alongside my part-time, I want to do work-study. Main reasoning behind this is not so much the money, but the desire to become a much more responsible and mature person than I already am. I made an attempt to do this last year, and a reason I failed miserably was because I lacked the maturity to continue on with it. Having the strength to do something will get me nowhere if I don't have the maturity to support that strength. This aside, the part-time job will be so I can have more money to use for things like living expenses and anything fun on the side, like maybe clothes or video games or to go bar-hopping, as well as using a portion to pay off my studies. The work-study will go directly to paying for my studies on top of this.

4. Get in shape. I've already started on this sort of. This is less about being thin or about cursing myself and my "fat disgusting body", and much more of improving my overall health (and with that comes lower weight...hopefully not anorexic). Truth be told, my health hasn't been the best as of late (I've been getting sick in the stomach every other day at random points, and that can't be good), and I realize that, with my Type I diabetes, I need to get it together more. My godmother is a cautionary tale of this, as she was put on dialysis for her kidneys in September. I need to get my cholesterol and HbA1c much lower, and do exercise as often as possible, and eat a lot better. As I said, I already started on this. I work out usually 4 out of 7 days in a week, I'm refusing most junk food and relying on salads and stuff like that. In college, I plan on going to the gym most nights.

5. Finish one of my current novels. Alright, I finished a novel last year, go me. Now I need to finish at least one of the now-four novels that I have going. Basically, this is about me not being a lazy jackass, sitting down at least once a week with some music and some soda, and writing, even if it's only a page or two. All my ideas won't be worth anything if I can't get them down on paper.

6. Get my novel published. This is a goal I had last year, but to no avail. Actually, I did make a little progress. I now know more about the process of publishing and what I should do to even get a chance at publishing. This year should then be about putting that knowledge into action somehow.

7. Buy an electric guitar. Self-explanatory.

8. Learn to sing, get better at guitar-playing and start writing songs. I've said it for so long, but this is the year that I finally sit down and learn to sing. I could teach myself, or I could find the money and get lessons with a teacher who won't laugh. The how doesn't matter, and I shouldn't fret over it. It's the doing that will matter. I don't expect to get the vocal range of Aretha Franklin or Christina Aguilera. But I want to sound good. As for guitar playing, I'm not too bad to begin with (since I've had classical training and I can read music). But I need to improve more, and learn more chords and scales (no, I don't know scales). This is the only way I'll be able to start writing my own music. As for lyrics...well, I can try not to suck.

9. Find a guy who's worth my time. No more of the shit I've been going through the past few months. I will find someone with whom I'll share mutual trust and respect, with whom I know I will have a good time with, and, ultimately, someone who's just as interested as me in a meaningful relationship. I'm not talking about marriage or commitment or anything that I'm leaving for my late twenties. I'm talking about a relationship in which the both of us can learn from each other and where we can both have a good time, laugh a lot and, in the end, love each other. Even if it doesn't happen, then I'll just switch this around to making the friendships I have with people, both IRL and online (if I have time to be online), stronger than they are.

10. Become a rock star. This goal of mine is crazy. It's insane. And I don't know why I made it. All I know is that I want nothing more than to take the stage and entertain crowds of people. This can be done through acting, but I want to do this with music now, with a group of people who share my interest of making kickass music, who don't mind that I'm frontwoman, and who want to have a great time and entertain people. I want the fame, the fortune, the fun, the women, the sex, the drugs, the talent and everything that all this comes with. But, mostly, if I can entertain people with my music and play guitar and sing my heart out, than I will be happy. This is also why I say goal #1's completion depends. If I get signed, then I probably won't have time to continue college properly this year, not until I at least finish the first tour and get a break.

Finally...

Bonus: Learn to love myself. I have the self-confidence. I have the strength. I have some of the maturity. I have people who believe in me and my potential. I have everything I need to make this year the year I want it to be: the best year of my life. All I need to do now is to love myself.

I will believe in myself. I will be kickass. I will tell myself, every day, that I am plenty fine the way I am. I'm going to live my life however the fuck I want to. I will give out kindness to those who earn it. And most of all, I will be myself the whole way.

I said it the other day to myself, I say it again today. This will be my year. Now, it's up to the world to be a part of it.