Sunday, February 18, 2007

On meeting the one at a rock show

No, I haven't met the one at a rock show. I was just listening to The Rock Show by Blink 182. It brings back memories of great summertimes, y'know?

It kind of makes me wonder where on earth does the time go. Does it go into a box we can't reach once we pass it? Or does it just disappear like smoke, never to be seen again? I sometimes prefer to think of time going into an unreacheable box. At least this way, it's somewhere, and isn't completely meaningless. Well, I'm also the type of person who thinks that sometimes, a person's past actions (and past itself) has nothing to do with the here and now. But that doesn't change the fact that, if something happened, it's still important, even if you can't hold on to those important moments.

What moments, if I could, would I hold onto, and never let go of? I'd hold on to that moment that my ex-boyfriend told me he loved me. I'd hold on to the moment I did what I thought I had to do to prove a point. I'd hold on to the moment I proved everyone wrong in Forensics. I'd hold on to the moment I felt like I mattered during the summer of 2002. Most of all, I'd hold on to the moments in which I was a little girl, still cute and still everything her parents wanted, and not marginalized by most others. Perhaps, then, it's better that we can't hold on to moments, even if they seem important to us. Life can't be about holding on to what's gone. It has to be searching for what's to come.

I commented to a good friend of mine the other night that I was feeling tired and numb in the romantic aspect of my life. She suggested I take a break. Now that I think about it, I need more than a break from romance and relationships and hookups and games. I need a break from myself. I'm quite happy with life right now, but at the moment, I'm kinda sick of myself, y'know? Then again, I do harbor slight feelings of misanthropy overall, but that's not new at all.

Well, I'm sure this'll go away this week. I'm home from Sagrado till very early Tuesday, to recharge my batteries overall, and I'm already half-done.

Man, I should go to a rock show soon. Anything except Mana though, since I'm most definitely not a fan of Sanish rock.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

On further discussions about human emotions...or just love

So, my last entry was a quick and random thought about how incomprehensible human emotions can be. It was just a quick thought that I felt like expressing and sharing with my small audience here. This entry, however, will be me going more in depth about what motivated me to express that thought. Mainly, esto es para desahogarme, porque me estoy volviendo loca, and I need to write somewhere else that's not my emo LiveJournal.

So, most of the time, I consider myself to be a pretty logical and wise person. I don't like to lose my head over anything. And not just in romance, but in anything, I don't play hard to get; I am hard to get. Not a lot gets a chance to penetrate my heart, because I don't like that. When it comes to romance or anything remotely in that area, that aspect of myself crumbles into tiny, unrecognizeable pieces. In short, forget logic and forget previous wisdom. I just spend my time arguing to myself and letting my head and heart duke it out in an intermineable fight. And I drive myself insane. The main reason behind this is because one of my fears in life is rejection in the amorous sector.

But I'm not going into that now. I just wanted to give a quick background here, expanding on the thought I wrote yesterday. Now, onto the actual situation.

Once again, I'm a college student, as I've mentioned various times. I've also been trying to drag myself out of the remnants of feelings for the man I loved in my previous relationship, which I've also written about here. Now, when I moved back home from Chicago, I decided that I would just take a long break from love and relationships and all that shit, because I just didn't feel that it was worth it. Then, a few days before I was to move into la Resi de Sagrado, I made another promise: I was not going to fall for anyone for the rest of the semester, no matter what. I honestly didn't think this was a big problem, because I was tired of all that, and figured that just messing around and perhaps scoring sex of the casual kind would be just fine. It was the perfect plan.

Or not.

So, first day of class, I see all my old friends and start making new ones in the reject corner, one we affectionately have named "las mesitas". Por los que saben como es Sagrado y sus edificios, queda por donde esta Barat Sur. Now, while bored, and after my class of Estadisticas Aplicadas 1, I start playing brisca with my very good friend Leilani. Then it becomes a game of four, boys vs. girls. One guy I knew (and don't really like), the other I didn't. And the two of us kicked the boy's asses. The guy I didn't know says to me, "so, como te llamas, persona que no conozco?", hand extended so I could shake it. "My nick's Di," I tell him. "And you?" He smiles, and says it's John. After talking a bit with him, the things that strike at me most are:

1. He has a mullet. Why a mullet? It seriously makes me question God's existence, I swear.

2. He has a very nice smile. It's not in the sense that he has perfectly straight teeth or anything. It's just a good smile.

3. His sense of humor is actually a little similar to mine, quite sarcastic and whatnot.

4. I love his deep voice. It's nice. I like it. Yes.

So, remember that plan of mine, from a couple of paragraphs ago or so? Haha, thanks a lot Life, that's plan's so screwed now. Well, it's not that I've fallen so desperately in love that I can't sleep at night and can think of no one else or anything. I just (for the moment) kinda like him. Y'know, I think he's kinda cute, I'd love to go out with him, and I think he's cool and a lot of fun. And that I'd have a lot of good times with him if I were with him. But, regardless of whether I were considering him as a prospective husband or just a fun relationship, there's that fear of mine of rejection.

I don't mind getting rejected from a job. I don't mind getting rejected in an audition. But when it comes to the prospect of telling someone how I feel, I'm just a moron and a jackass. Let me put it like this:

Logic: Hey, what's the big deal? Either he likes you or not.


I think that's part of the problem of having my type of personality, which, while quite intuitive and logical, is completely dysfunctional when it comes to emotions. It's not that I can't deal with my emotions. I just suck at it. So, my long entry now begs the question: what will I do? Excellent question. As for the answer...well, I do plan on telling him. I'm not sure how, or when, but I will. Or try to anyway. If not, I'll just...I dunno, just keep torturing myself.

Phew. Well, I don't think I feel any different after writing this. But I did what I wanted.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

On a random thought

This is proof that humanity will always have one thing about themselves that they will always fail to understand:

I have been through hell and back. I've faced countless amounts of rejections in all shapes and sizes. I've done things and seen places that most people won't do in most of their whole lifetime. I've risked a lot and I've taken chances in a lot of things. And yet, when it comes to telling one guy that I like him a lot, all that gets thrown out the trash, and I become an illogical moron who becomes petrified of the prospect of being rejected.

In short, no matter how much science advances, no matter if we get to the point that we can control computers with our brains, when it comes to a person we happen to have romantic interest towards, we will collapse and break apart. In an instant. Like sand. We humans are quite illogical when it comes to explaining such a silly thing like love or sadness, huh? It's just as well though. Wouldn't it be boring if we were able to figure out ourselves completely?

Saturday, February 03, 2007

On upgrades

So, as most of you must've surmsed by now, I'm now back into this thing called "college life". I must say, I really did miss it. And, despite Sagrado's reputation for having a mostly snobby, rich-kid populace, I have managed to find solace in souls like my own. In other words, I hang out with the fuck ups and the screw ups and the art/humanities/revolutionaries. So I'm happy.

The only thing that was slightly wrong was the fact that I lacked a computer. Yes, I have my faithful desktop, which I love to death despite that a. it runs on 256MB of RAM; b. it sometimes feels like pissing me off for the hell of it; and c. the CD drive is now waging war against me. But, despite Sagrado's much-improved wireless network, there's not 'net connection in the dorm rooms, just in the lobbies. So, as one might imagine, bringing a desktop is impractical, considering that I can't drag it to the lobby and set it up every time I need to do work. Therefore, a laptop is a necessity...preferrably one with an integrated wireless LAN. In my case, since I'm now a Communications student, a Mac would've been the best choice. But I'm poor. And so are my lovely parents. Despite this, my dad (who I love dearly even when he's pissing me of 3/4ths the time) surprised me when I got home yesterday, ready to spend the weekend here: I had, on my bed, a brand-new Compaq Presario laptop, wrapped in adorable Hello Kitty wrapping paper.

Needless to say, I was quite shocked. I mean, I know my parents do their best to provide for me and my older sibling, but we're not rich, not by a long shot. So for my dad to get me this brand-new laptop that I'm currently typing on was more than I could've ever asked for. To further my surprise, it's one of the first ones to come packed in with Windows Vista Home Basic. A new computer AND a 3-day-old OS. In my own words: squee! Granted, I had originally planned to leave upgrading to Windows Vista for a year...but oh well.

So then, what's the deal with Vista and it's 20 different versions? Well, first, that's an exaggeration. There are, currently, four versions, and each depends on a computer's specs. Home Basic is the least taxing and the simplest, and is the one I currently run. There's also Home Premium, Business and Ultimate. These three are all 3D and are all "oh my god, my eyesockets are exploding!" Hme Basic is more like a shiny version of Windows XP, with differences that are only obvious once you sit down and actually use it. As usual, there're the pro-Microsoft people claiming that this is the next coming of computer OS's. And there're the anti-Microsoft people, divided into Linux lovers and Mac whores, who all claim that Microsoft is at least a few years behind in creating these upgrades for the mainstream OS world. Some people say that Vista is great, others scoff and say that it sucks.

From someone who's curretly using Vista at this exact moment as s/he types, what do I think of Windows Vista? Well...I'll summarize it like this: Windows Vista is actually like what would happen if Mac OS X mated with the bastard child of various Linux distros, had a child, and had Windows puke all over said child. Do I mean this in a good or bad way? In a good way, actually. My analogy simply means hat Microsoft is now making massive efforts to create an OS that's easy to use and is safe from things like hackings and syware, andd they're doing a great job thus far, about four days after Vista's initial release. Things are more streamlined, easier to access and figure out, and there're far less headaches.

However, note the Mac OS X and Linux distros comparation. A lot of the way things are presented visually are almost a carbon-copy of Mac OS X. Some of the way the menus configure strongly reminded me of a couple of Linux distros I'd tried before. I mean, imitiation is the best form of flattery, or so they say, but I do agree with some comments made that these upgrades should've been done years ago. Better late than never, I suppose. Another thing I don't get: why is it impossible for me to find my integrated WLAN adaptor's MAC address? Sheesh, talk about way too much trouble. At least it's not something I detrimentally need.

So, overall, do I recommend upgrading? Yes and no. Upgrade if you have the money and if your computer's got the specs to run it. Even better, upgrade to any version asides Basic if you can run it, so you can say that your eye sockets exploded due to the awesomeness. But, if your computer can't run any version, if you don't have the money to buy the upgrade, or the money to buy an entirely new computer, don't bother for at least a year. I've yet to encounter serious problems, but if previous Windows versions are anything to go by, I expect to find a bug or five soon, and the obligatory service packs with patches to fix it. Basically, if you're going to be an early adopter like me, do it while keeping in mind that from here to three years, Vista might be quite upgraded and far better. Also don't bother if you're a Mac crackwhore and would love nothing more than to be buried with your Mac.

I myself don't hate Macs by the way. It's my goal to own a Mac by the time I'm in my third year of college, actually. If I'm going to be into radio, I'll need it to edit sound. I'm just not an ardent whore of any OS. Whatever gets the job done, I'm happy, really.