Saturday, June 03, 2006

On loneliness, perceptions, and The Bride

Watching Kill Bill always pisses me off. It's not because the film sucks or anything. It's one of my favorite films, actually. It just pisses me off because it's the kind of movie I'd love to act in. It's just weird and all action, and it seems to take place in this kind of alternate reality in which assassinating people from rival groups is perfectly okay (as is destroying hotel property). Sadly, I don't think more movies of its kind will be made soon. Well, I count Sin City. But Sin City's already made. And you see my point.

Anyway, I was looking at some old photos of myself, and they sure brought back memories. Some were good memories, some were bad memories, and some were just things that I've been desperately trying to hide for years. And I wondered: how do people see me nowadays, compared to how they saw me before? I'm honestly not the type to care about what others thing about me, but it's still a perplexing question. But, as to how I was before, all I have to go on would be my family, because I moved here almost nine years ago from Conneticut, and I'm no longer in contact with anyone I knew from there. And I can't stand the people I went to middle school with. But, I did talk to one from there last semester in Sagrado ('cause he decided to go study there too apparently), and I guess between then and now I am different, if only externally. 'Mazing what college does to make you care about your appearance, because I honestly didn't care about being girly before, and that did a 180 degree turn during all of last year.

But what about internally? I dunno, I think I might be the same still. Still just as aloof and weird and insane and absolutely twisted. Maybe it's how I interact with others that's changed, now that I think of it. My core personality's the same, but how you interact with people can make a world of difference. A smile here, a wave there, a "hey there" does a lot for how a person is perceived, even if on the inside you're a homicidal anti-Jesus maniac. It's easy to keep a pleasant social exterior. I suppose this is why perhaps only some people have ever really come in contact with what it is I'm really thinking. And I'd like to keep it that way, because my thoughts are my own, and not for public display.

But this got me thinking a little more. Why are we people so dependant on what others think of us? Why does it even matter? You want people to think of you in a certain way, so that's what you're going to work towards, but I have to wonder if it really matters in the end. We're also dependant on others for company, to keep us from feeling alone. We're born alone and we die alone, in our own heads. Yet, though I couldn't really give a fuck about what others think of me, I value the company of others at the same time. I value my friends, because they mean a lot to me. I value my significant other because he's stood by me, despite my twisted personality. People depend on others. On occasion, being dependant bothers me because I am an independant person, but it can't be helped, there's no getting around it. And, on the whole, I don't think it really matters in the end how we're perceived. What should matter more is how you perceive yourself, because at the end of the day, the one who kicks off their shoes, has sex with their lover, smokes that cigarette afterwards, and then looks at themselves in the bathroom mirror, is you.

On that note, anyone who fucks with me will be killed by me The Bride style. Well, I'd like to say that, but coming from me, that really doesn't sound very cool. And I don't have a sword...or martial arts training...and I haven't been screwed over by my lover. Yeah, there goes that out the window.

In other news: WWJD?

Click for larger image. I always knew Jesus liked vampire women. It's the hidden secret within a secret within a holy script that Da Vinci kept from us.


EE said...

Anything Kill Bill, or Quentin Tarantino for that matter, atracts me like flies to a corpse. So I came seeking. But you seem to have your own specific movie in your head, the one that has not been made.

Di said...

Well yeah. But I agree, Tarantino is a genius at what he does.