Wednesday, February 07, 2007

On further discussions about human emotions...or just love

So, my last entry was a quick and random thought about how incomprehensible human emotions can be. It was just a quick thought that I felt like expressing and sharing with my small audience here. This entry, however, will be me going more in depth about what motivated me to express that thought. Mainly, esto es para desahogarme, porque me estoy volviendo loca, and I need to write somewhere else that's not my emo LiveJournal.

So, most of the time, I consider myself to be a pretty logical and wise person. I don't like to lose my head over anything. And not just in romance, but in anything, I don't play hard to get; I am hard to get. Not a lot gets a chance to penetrate my heart, because I don't like that. When it comes to romance or anything remotely in that area, that aspect of myself crumbles into tiny, unrecognizeable pieces. In short, forget logic and forget previous wisdom. I just spend my time arguing to myself and letting my head and heart duke it out in an intermineable fight. And I drive myself insane. The main reason behind this is because one of my fears in life is rejection in the amorous sector.

But I'm not going into that now. I just wanted to give a quick background here, expanding on the thought I wrote yesterday. Now, onto the actual situation.

Once again, I'm a college student, as I've mentioned various times. I've also been trying to drag myself out of the remnants of feelings for the man I loved in my previous relationship, which I've also written about here. Now, when I moved back home from Chicago, I decided that I would just take a long break from love and relationships and all that shit, because I just didn't feel that it was worth it. Then, a few days before I was to move into la Resi de Sagrado, I made another promise: I was not going to fall for anyone for the rest of the semester, no matter what. I honestly didn't think this was a big problem, because I was tired of all that, and figured that just messing around and perhaps scoring sex of the casual kind would be just fine. It was the perfect plan.

Or not.

So, first day of class, I see all my old friends and start making new ones in the reject corner, one we affectionately have named "las mesitas". Por los que saben como es Sagrado y sus edificios, queda por donde esta Barat Sur. Now, while bored, and after my class of Estadisticas Aplicadas 1, I start playing brisca with my very good friend Leilani. Then it becomes a game of four, boys vs. girls. One guy I knew (and don't really like), the other I didn't. And the two of us kicked the boy's asses. The guy I didn't know says to me, "so, como te llamas, persona que no conozco?", hand extended so I could shake it. "My nick's Di," I tell him. "And you?" He smiles, and says it's John. After talking a bit with him, the things that strike at me most are:

1. He has a mullet. Why a mullet? It seriously makes me question God's existence, I swear.

2. He has a very nice smile. It's not in the sense that he has perfectly straight teeth or anything. It's just a good smile.

3. His sense of humor is actually a little similar to mine, quite sarcastic and whatnot.

4. I love his deep voice. It's nice. I like it. Yes.

So, remember that plan of mine, from a couple of paragraphs ago or so? Haha, thanks a lot Life, that's plan's so screwed now. Well, it's not that I've fallen so desperately in love that I can't sleep at night and can think of no one else or anything. I just (for the moment) kinda like him. Y'know, I think he's kinda cute, I'd love to go out with him, and I think he's cool and a lot of fun. And that I'd have a lot of good times with him if I were with him. But, regardless of whether I were considering him as a prospective husband or just a fun relationship, there's that fear of mine of rejection.

I don't mind getting rejected from a job. I don't mind getting rejected in an audition. But when it comes to the prospect of telling someone how I feel, I'm just a moron and a jackass. Let me put it like this:

Logic: Hey, what's the big deal? Either he likes you or not.


I think that's part of the problem of having my type of personality, which, while quite intuitive and logical, is completely dysfunctional when it comes to emotions. It's not that I can't deal with my emotions. I just suck at it. So, my long entry now begs the question: what will I do? Excellent question. As for the answer...well, I do plan on telling him. I'm not sure how, or when, but I will. Or try to anyway. If not, I'll just...I dunno, just keep torturing myself.

Phew. Well, I don't think I feel any different after writing this. But I did what I wanted.

1 comment:

carol said...

Yo creo que con el tiempo uno aprende a bregar con esos rejections. Yo antes me sentía bien mal cuando me rechazaban, ahora digo "pues es pato" y se acabó el problema lol. Pero seriously, la cuestión es tomarlo todo como si fuera nada, osea si salen o que se yo, no ilusionarte (o tratar de no ilusionarte, porque a veces no es facil), y bueno, remember que para bregar con rejections existen los gimnasios, el ron, cigarrillos, salones de belleza, lchocolates en el peor de los casos..