Saturday, April 28, 2007

On being me

I'm a nerd. Hands down.

I love things like Star Wars, some anime, some manga, all that stuff. I think I always have. I can sit here and talk about the Star Wars movies, and I could probably list off a few anime and manga series worth watching and reading.

I love love love video games. I've always been playing them, and I've always liked it. I play RPGs, fighters, weird stuff, shooters, platformers, action-adventure, strategy, rhythm, old-school, anything. It's fun, and I love playing multiplayer even more.

I am a product of the internet. It's not essential in my life, or something I can't live without. But it's definitely a source of entertainment for me. And I'm not afraid to admit that quite a few significant things have happened to me as a cause.

I love music. It's been a part of my life. I can't go a day without listening to something. My tastes have changed over the years, slowly molding to a like of general rock overall, mostly punk rock, some industrial and some experimental. I need to hear something with a beat, with instruments, loud and fast and hard. Some days, I need to hear something soft and sweet. Whatever the need, I just need to hear something.

I love writing. I don't think I've always been exceptionally talented until high school. But now that I've grasped the secret and discovered what my strengths in it are, I love it. I love the creative process of thinking up a story, its characters and the world they live in. I like being able to paint a picture with words. I like being able to bring people into a different world, and putting them into a character's shoes.

I love acting. It will always be my passion, no matter where life takes me. I get no better thrill than standing on stage and becoming someone else entirely. I love convincing the audience that I am that character. I love being able to project thoughts and emotions and a specific personality. I love letting who I am take a break for awhile while I decide to be someone else. I love impressing the crowd. I just love it all.

I'm not religious at all. I don't believe in the institution of religion. Who or what I believe in is my business. If God indeed exists, then we'll have our talk when the time comes.

I do not associate myself with political parties, ever. I associate myself with political ideals and theories, and I support people who can match those the best.

I am a tomboy. I think I was just born that way. I like guy stuff, like games and computers and joking and drinking and screwing around. I like being one of the guys.

Though I have female friends I love dearly, overall I can't stand the female sex. The female sex is superficial and constantly working to be a certain way socially, and I don't like that. I don't think fashion's necessary, I don't think I need a guy to be worth something, I'm not a slut for believing in casual sex and fuck buddies. I can think for myself, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

I am a bitch. No getting around that. If I don't like you, I'll tell you. If you're a jackass who should get a life, I'll tell you. I'll insult you, I'll give you sarcastic responses, I can cut you with my sharp tongue and fast wit. And I won't care.

But, I'm also the nicest person you'll meet if you're on my good side. I will put myself out there for my friends, always. If you've got my trust, then I've definitely got your back. And I will be loyal.

I don't really hate anyone. I just dislike.

I have big dreams and ambitions, and I know I'll achieve them.

I look up to my older brother, always have. He's helped me not be as much of a fuck-up as I could've been.

My friends are my family. No matter if I've known them for a month or for years.

There's nothing I like more than being able to laze around, with no worries about what might come ahead.

Honestly, I think love can go fuck itself. There's no such thing as the one. I can content myself with having good friendships. That's more important in the long run than a relationship that falls apart in the end and destroys what once was.

To contradict what I just wrote, I am still capable of feeling things that are more than just friendship for people.

I like two people, which I realized the other day. If I could have them both, I would. But I think it would be best we just remain friends.

I'm not ashamed to admit my mistakes.

I'm not ashamed to admit that going to Chicago wasn't the best idea ever. But I also admit that it was the best thing to do, for all the reasons I wouldn't have expected. I proved my point, I learned that I'm not a fuck-up, and I discovered that I have the ability to change myself.

I tripped and fell, hard. I'm not ashamed to admit that for a couple of months, it felt as though I'd been left at the roadside, barely able to walk, and with almost no desire to live. But, what little will to live I had left helped me slowly, surely, crawl slowly back, until I could finally stand up again, head high and ready to live again.

It took awhile, but I finally put the pieces of my heart back together.

I have a slight distaste for humanity but I like being with people.

I'm a lot of things. I'm a bitch, stubborn, sarcastic, aloof, fun-loving, introspective, outgoing, stupid, silly, intelligent, apathetic, loyal, witty, cute, flirty, funny.

At the end of the day, though, when I kick off my shoes and throw myself on my bed, I'm just me. Love me or hate me, I don't give a fuck.


KiWi said...


Standing ovation.

iluvwaffles5871 said...

Hang in there.