Friday, May 25, 2007

On moving forward

So. It's been...a month, since I last wrote anything in this blog. I do apologize. I'm not sure if I've got an audience reading this anymore since I don't update this as regularly as I should, but this blog does exist for a reason. That reason...er, being to...uh, write and uh...stuff. Boy that was eloquent.

Anyhow, I've been busy. Among other things, I've been taking class, getting wasted, working out, flirting around, watching movies, relaxing, hanging out with my friends, and overall being your average college student/nerd who's also one of the guys. I didn't really intend for it to happen, but during the course of this semester, I've suddenly found myself becoming the "alpha-female" of the group I hang out with, which is usually a bunch of guys. I have female friends too, but I don't hang out with most of them, just a few. I don't really mind though, since I've long considered myself to not really have a mental gender per se. All I have is a sexual preference towards a particular gender, with occasional interest in the other gender. I don't know if this good or bad, since it doesn't really land me any decent dates, but I suppose it could be worse. I at least give it credit for contributing to my creative and out-of-the-box way of thinking.

So, as of now until the end of June, I'm at home on vacation. Much as I like my scholarly and social life, this is a much-needed break I needed. I did manage to do exceedingly well this semester, passing everything expect Estadísticas 1 (which I dropped) with an A. Kickass, if I do say so myself. But I also wanted this time to really sit and think about...well, what else, the one man I've fought tooth and nail to move on from all semester, my lovely ex. It's not to say I wasn't doing anything about this already. I moved back home for physical distance, I cut off contact, I cut my hair short so as to symbolically spit into his belief that women with short hair are dykes, I've hooked up with a few random men to prove to myself that I could be with men without emotional attatchments, I've made new friends, I started working out...the vast majority of what I did, and didn't do, this semester was so I could move the fuck on.

Yet, something was still amiss, despite my efforts. I didn't know what though. To be sure, I held (hold?) a huge grudge against him, and couldn't even think about him without wishing nothing but horrible misery on his existence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn't feel free from him. It was like an invisible chain tied me to him and his memory, the memories I had of him. I suppose it was there for a lot of reasons, but mainly, it was because he was the first guy I could honestly say I loved. Hurrah for true love. But he meant a lot of things to me, and getting over it took more effort than I would've ever liked. I just didn't get myself, really.

So, 'member when I mentioned getting wasted among the activities I mentioned up there? Yeah, so, a couple of weekends ago, to help celebrate the end of the semester, one of the things me and my friends did was buy alcohol and go to one of my friend's apartment and get drunk. Long story short, I did more than 12 shots of 151 rum, along with Smirnoffs and daiquiri and got totally smashed. The reason, though I wouldn't realize it until later, was because I found out that the guy I liked, Gian, had a girl of sorts. They were constantly making out. Much as I liked the girl, I wanted to shove her down some escalators. So I was trying to numb the pain out, go self-destructive tendencies. Anyway, during all that, I called up my ex, and finally said what I'd been dying to tell him for months: that I hate him and his guts and that I wish he'd just do me a favor and die off.

The next day, sobering up and whatnot, I remembered this (and a few other convoluted pieces, because shortly after that, I passed out). And I thought about it a little. I realized that, really, I wasn't actually mad at him anymore, nor did I hold that much of a grudge against him. In fact, all I was hating was the fact that my pride was hurt, and that my feelings were torn to shreds. And I realized, man I'm stupid, this is the invisible chain binding me down? All at once, that chain broke off and I became free as a bird once again, the way I should be. It felt (and still feels) pretty nice.

Since then, I've shaped up a bit. I'm not sleeping with anyone at all, not until I can be sure I'm in a good, actual relationship with a great guy. I'm taking my health seriously, doing all that I can to eat right and keep my blood sugar levels stable. I'm working out harder than ever, and the results are starting to show since I'm shedding the weight I gained this semester from my rampant drinking. And, once again, I feel like I can take on the world and fight anyone and anything till I make it to the top. I think my chances of getting married or being in another relationship are slim to none...but it doesn't matter too much to me at the moment anymore. I'll deal. Life is, after all, no cabaret.

On another note, I saw the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Twice. It's that good, I swear it is. I might write a review tomorrow or the day after.

Finally, I believe today is the one year anniversary of this dear blog of mine. I'm still alive and typing. That's always a good sign.

1 comment:

KiWi said...

hey!

Glad to see you around again. Keep the good things up.

Congratulations on your grades. I got 4 A's and 2 question marks because of two stupid teachers. I have to wait to find out.

Hope to read you soon ^_^