Monday, April 16, 2007

On not quitting

And so I thought about it. On Saturday, while walking around Plaza, I realized that I've been feeling incredibly lonely. Strangely enough, I should've realized it on Friday night because, thanks to the magic of alcohol, the truth sorta slipped out. But it was in a way that I didn't really think about it until I was sober the next day. And I didn't think I was that drunk either. Man I'm a lush. But at least I've got good friends.

Anyway, I thought about it. I made a few promises to myself at the beginning of the semester. I told myself that this year would not be like last year. 2006 sucked overall, so I wanted 2007 to be different. I told myself I would be different from who I was. And I told myself that I didn't need love and that I would not like anyway. For the most part, it's been going just as planned. 2007 so far has been so much better than 2006. I mean, it's had its ups and downs, but isn't that normal? It makes me normal, at least. I'm slowly trying to be a different person, a better person, and I think I've done a good job on that. But I broke my last promise twice, falling for two different guys, both of whom I shouldn't have liked in the first place. They're great guys, and they're great friends too, but anything beyond that is something that should not be contemplated. As my friend Maru puts it, they're fun to flirt with, fun to hang out with and are good friends, but other than that, don't even bother. Well, I won't lie, I wouldn't mind sleeping with either of them. But then, I can separate casual sex from serious emotions, I've never had a problem there.

And so I thought about it. I like someone I shouldn't. I'm very lonely. I feel like there's nothing good left for me in life right now. On the bus back (and let's think for a moment, hot damn, I actually caught a bus?), these thoughts just came to me: "Is there nothing left for me in life? Will I never be swept off my feet again? Will I ever mean more to him, or to any guy for that matter? Have I reached the end of the line? Is this all life has to offer me?" If not for the fact that the bus wasn't empty, I probably would've cried right there. I just waited till I was on the train, since it was empty where I was.

And so I thought of my options. Apparently I'm not allowed to kill myself, and I'm also not allowed to quit. So what can I do? Well, part of me wants to just disappear and die quickly. But you know what? I'm not going to listen to that part of me. That part of me needs to shut the fucking hell up. I'm a lot stronger than that. Hell, my strength of character and strength of heart are my defining characteristics. I shouldn't let my current place in life shoot me down, not by a long shot. I've survived everything life's thrown at me up until now, and I'm almost 20, still alive and kicking. I'll get through this point, and I'll be laughing and pointing saying haha.

Another thing? I won't like him anymore either. In fact, I can already feel those thoughts floating away and fizzling out. Sure, I didn't want that to happen with this guy now, but I have no choice. I don't mean much of anything to him anyway. He might like me as a friend, and that's okay, that's great. I don't mind that one bit and I can totally live with that. It'll be the same as the guy I liked before. I'll just have them both as good friends to flirt with and laugh with and I'll be happy with that. I'm already happy with the thought, so I can do this no problem. I'll feel awkward on Tuesday when I see him again, but I can deal. It'll only last for some minutes, and the transition will be smooth and happy. Hell, I feel even better than sleeping on all this made me feel when I woke up in the morning. Besides, he proved to be a good friend that night. He didn't let me drink more after I was completely buzzed, he gave me a hug, and he was still nice to me overall. I can't ask for more than that.

And finally, I think it's high time I get back into the game. It's been awhile since I've wrapped a heart or three around my bitchy finger, and I feel I need to do it again. Not next weekend, since I'm going home, but the weekend after, I think I'll just go out to Viejo San Juan or Rio Piedras and work my way around men, see who'll fall into my traps. I don't want to date anyone anymore, because romance and love make me sick right now. I just want to prove to myself I'm still perfectly capable of being a heartbreaker. I'm really done being a stereotypical heart-broken, lonely female, and I want to get back to being who I am usually. So props to me. I do need to get myself laid anyway.

Right now, I think I'm okay again. I feel I've reached another turning point in life, and this time, it'll be towards something better, not something worse. If I think about it like that, life's great now. I'll be fine. As I said, I've got great friends now. And I've always said that I love my friends more than anything, no matter how long I've known them. And God must be in a pretty good mood to help me find friends that actually care about me. If I can keep this, I'll be totally fine for as long as I need to be.

Life is good. It still has more to offer. I can't throw in the towel yet. I am, indeed, lonely, but I'm not ready to quit.

1 comment:

KiWi said...

Hey... what can i say?

Just hang on for dear life and you'll see it will give you back reasons to smile.

Have a lil faith.