Quote

"...en todo caso, había un solo túnel, oscuro y solitario: el mío."

Juan Pablo Castel, El túnel, Ernesto Sábato

Desde que lo leí en escuela superior, ha sido, para mi, uno de los mejores libros escritos en español. Y tiene...158 páginas. Lo leí por segunda vez, terminándolo anoche, y todavía hay laberintos que hace que la novela tenga tantos secretos y tantas ambiguedades. Creo que la ambiguedad que siempre me ha hecho pensar más es la edad del personaje María Iribarne. Nunca puedo decir si ella es una mujer de veinti-algo, o si en realidad es una mujer de cincuentai-algo. Sobre todo, lo más interesante de la novela es que, en un sólo capítulo (capítulo 36), se puede saber qué fue lo que realmente pasaba (since the narrator is obviously insane).

Creo que, cuando lo puedo conseguir, voy a leer El aleph de Jorge Luis Borges de nuevo. No lo entendí la primera (y única) vez que lo leí, pero quiero ver si ahora lo puedo entender.

(Shit yeah, a post in Spanish, what're the odds folks?)

A day in my life

Well, let's take a look at one day in my life. Today actually, because it is thus far interesting.

So, because I had to be up early, I set my cellphone alarm for 6am, and it sounded at said time. I'm a ringtone whore, so my alarm ringtone is Blitzkrieg Bop by The Ramones, because it's the only one that wakes me up. To digress for a sec here, I think I've trained my brain to answer the phone even if I'm asleep, because I got a call from my significant other at around 12:30am, and I don't remember the phone ringing, I don't remember grabbing it or checking the number or flipping it open, all I remember was saying "hello?" Wow, I'm awesome. Anyhow, back to today. So I was up, and I turn off my A/C, and decide that I should eat. Family was mostly asleep except for my older brother, so I liked that. By 7:30am, I was dressed and out of the house.

On today's menu: go to San Juan to take care of stuff at Sagrado. Well, that was what I was supposed to do. Somewhere along the line, a change of plans occured, so, on my way towards Ponce, not even out of San Germán, I turned around on the highway. I also needed gas. First weird thing of the day: I saw the following sign on the way out of highway towards the gas station.



And...the only way to get on the road was to turn right. I saw it, thought for a moment, then said out loud, "wait, if I can't turn right, how the fuck do I get to the gas station. I should've taken a picture on my digital camera. So, this aside, I went and got my gas, and turned back towards San Germán. Since I no longer had to go to San Juan, I wondered what to do now. I realized that it's been ages since I've been past Mayaguez and Aguadilla, so I figure hey, I'll go that way. Away I went. I'd forgotten, though, how much I hate driving on the highway in the morning. It's summer. It's hot. There are always traffic jams. So it was hot. Really fucking HOT. But well, passed by Mayaguez Mall, pass through Mayaguez, past the main part of the city, past Colegio, and back on the highway towards Aguadilla. Thankfully, there's not much to it, just drive straight.

I get to Aguadilla now, and I realize that I need food. So I look for it, and drive into town. The one thing I like about that town is the beach. I love the beach, so driving by and feeling the breeze was great. Sadly, no good places were open save for a Burger King...and I didn't want Burger King under any circumstances. At some point, then, I turn around and drive towards this park there, past the ice skating rink. Irony: an ice skating rink in front of a beach. Wow. Anyway, I drive by the children's park, and I see there's a restaurant there. I check my wallet: $30. I have two ATM cards, but neither are mine, and I hate having to waste all my money on just food. I realized that there was a mall here, so I decide I'll be a good young adult and do the proper thing, get fast food. The mall in Aguadilla isn't so bad, but not what I'm used to. Actually, Aguadilla reminded me of a combination of Río Piedras and Caguas. Well, the important thing was that I got food, so after that I was on my way out. Second weird thing: I saw the exact same sign up there as I turned to go out to the highway. Which way am I supposed to fucking turn then, you stupid sign?!

I also remembered that they opened a new US Coast Guard PX, so I decide to check it out quick. It was pretty okay, spacey and with air conditioning. They also had a fine selection of alcohol and cigarettes, which is what you can always expect from a store owned by the US military. I was done with that, so I went on my way. By now, it was around 1pm or so, and I realized that I should start going home. I call my best friend to tell her I would be stopping by later, and then I called my other best friend. Because the Fiestas Patronales here start today, and I want to go, but not on my own. So she said she'd call me. And JOY, more traffic jams! In the stifling heat! But it wasn't as bad as the one in Mayaguez, both in the streets of the city and out on the highway. MAYAGUEZ HIGHWAY HAS TOO MANY STOPLIGHTS. Anyway, after about an hour in all that, I realized that I needed to stop by Mayaguez Mall. How nice that I should run into an ex-boyfriend of sorts in Borders. He's annoying now, especially because it's so obvious he has a crush on my best friend, who's taken. But I made it short because I needed to pick up stuff, and I did. In and out.

Then I drove back to San Germán por la carretera vieja. By now it's about 3pm, so I stop by Burger King and I get food from the dollar menu for my family. Food is bought, I drive home because my dad needed to go to my grandma's house. So I had about half an hour break. I spent it eating and [drumroll] ordering my plane ticket online. After I printed everything, dad came home, and I was out again. First stop was Pueblo, because they had a Western Union, and that's how I payed for my plane ticket. On my way out, it took about ten minutes to actually move in the traffic, because right in the middle of the road, there was a car crash. And today of all days, the first day of our Fiestas Patronales. Anyway, I finally made it to my best friend's family's store. It's an ice cream store, right in front of where the Fiestas are held. I spent an hour and a half helping her tend the store, having her little cousins from China talk to me in cantonese, which I obviously don't know, and basically watch the insanity.

Finally, at 6pm, I decide to head home, so I can take another break, shower, and wait to see if I really was going out. The answer is no. But hey, the Fiestas are here for, what, ten days? So, no loss. That, and I'm tired anyway. Not that I wouldn't have had any fun whilst tired, just that I've also had a severe lack of sleep for a few days.

Anyway, that concludes a day in my life. Insightful? Crazy? I think you are awesome? I hope so, even though I know that I am pretty awesome.

On being a writer

I'm sorry to say, but my usual, witty muse has decided to take a break. I found out this morning when I saw that it left a sign saying, "I'm SICK of being used as your entertainment! Be back in a few days." So, I don't have anything interesting to write about. Or, actually, I do, but I can't seem to write coherent sentences about it.

So instead, I leave you with the link to my new novel, Ripple. In case you happen to notice as you read, yes, it's main influence is the novel 1984 by George Orwell. Despite this influence, I don't want you guys to think that it's the only influence, nor that I'm taking the novel in the same direction. My goal is to make it far more psychological towards the end, Neon Genesis Evangelion-style almost. Except that I hope you can actually understand it, unlike Neon Genesis Evangelion.



Wow. I had no idea Batman OR Robin were capable of dominating ANY woman.

On my soul

This was just too accurate not to post.

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is likely to be filled with great successes and accomplishments. You just need to figure out how to get there. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Consider this a summary of who I am.

On kinda growing up

Wow, I was seriously going to write this yesterday and I forgot. And the day before, and I forgot. I'm not sure why I remembered and am writing it now. I think it was because I got a message in my Gmail account about my traffic reports here, and I was like "oh yeah!" I do this for a lot of things in real life because, in truth, I am an absent-minded, aloof scatterbrain. Anyway, at least I finally remembered.

So, there is this internet forum I've been visiting for over two and a half years now, among four or five others I visit. What can I say, I'm in a lot of places around the internet. Anyway, I've also been an administrator there for a year, and a moderator and head moderator for over a year and a half. When I first joined, I was but a sixteen year old girl, younger and less mature than I am now. And in high school too. I was in 11th grade, which meant I was being piled to death with work. But, despite a crappy computer at home and very little time to actually be on the Internet (plus crappy dialup), I joined, thinking I'd forget all about it in a few days. Wow, was I ever wrong. See, I liked this forum a lot because it was smallish at the time, yet still had a lot of interesting activity from its members. After awhile, I found my niches and stuck to them, whilst meeting some cool people. At the time, it was fun for me, a good way to pass time.

Over the past two and a half years at that forum, I managed to make a good deal of internet friends, garner the respect of nearly everyone by being the little train that could (since I had a habit of always getting back up after failing miserably), and I felt that it was really worth my time (well, what time I had, considering how little time I had to be in the internet at college last semester). And yet, as this month went on, as I'd spent so much time having fun and doing other things, and as I spent time continuing to plan to move to Chicago, I realized that I'd grown up. The forum was still kinda fun, an interesting hangout that I still frequented. But now, it's more out of habit and the fact that the people I like from there are still around themselves. I realized that I just lost interest. It's not really the same place anymore, and all the effort needed to help admin the place didn't have much compensation for me anymore. It was a fun ride, but it was finally over. Also, let's not forget that if I succeed in moving to Chicago, I think I'm going to be really busy with so many things, once I find good standing on my feet. So I decided, I'm done, I quit the staff, see y'all later.

And see, even if it was only an internet forum that will probably (hopefully, the guy who runs the place is a loser with no life) be gone in three years, it's still a place that I spent free time on, just like anything in real life. It's a sad feeling when you realize that you just don't care anymore, and that you've grown up and moved on. I don't think I'm more mature, because I'm not. That won't be for a long while I think. I've just reached a point that now, I want to move on and I want to do new things in life. Slowly, the internet will just become an occasional place of diversion, and basically my medium of downloading illegal music and anime, since I'm too cheap to buy it. Probably porn too, even though I find it too hilariously corny to even get all hot and bothered over it.

This also made me realize that my very reason for wanting to move out is because I've moved on from this place. This town and island has been my home for nine years, and while a lot of bad things happened, a lot of good things happened too. There are too many memories here for me to just sit and recount them all. It's time for me to set my sights on a new place, and to get going with my life. Maybe I should stay and finish college, but that's just my conscious telling me how disappointed my parents will be. I've always truly thought that, while college does increase your chances by tenfold of getting a good job, I'm pretty capable of making it through life without it just fine. I don't know why. Maybe it's blind faith, or maybe it's the truth. I would rather be out and doing other things anyway. Life shouldn't always be lived by the standard: go to college, get a degree, get married to the boyfriend you dated those years, get an office job, have a family of 2.5 kids with a house and a pet, retire at some point, and then die. I'm not interested in it. Well, I would like to get married, but only if I love the guy. Marraige doesn't seem to be about that anymore, but I want my marraige to be about that.

As I move through life, and I leave behind old places and memories in search of new ones, I just hope that I'm always happy with what I'm doing. Actually, I know I'll be happy if I'm doing what I want, and nothing more. Yeah, I'm kinda selfish like that. But hey, if I'm not happy, then I can't make anyone else happy.



I love the guys at Penny Arcade. They sure can do good webcomics.

On being a girl anachronism

Alrighty now, time to stretch out my fingers and write out one good entry, which might not be that long, but will hopefully be, well, good.

Firstly, I'm going to go into movie reviewer mode, and I'll give you all my not-really-professional opinion on Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest.



Seriously now, I can't understand why so many people think the movie sucks. In my completely humble and honest opinion, I thought the movie was just fine, great even. I was entertained from start to finish, just like in the first film. I don't think it's better than the first one though, but at the very least, it didn't suck like a lot of sequels tend to. I can understand why people might not have liked it as much as the first. First, the characters. Nothing was wrong with them, they were still as cool as the first, Jack Sparrow leading the pack (ex-commodore Norrington followed, he kicked some ass in this movie), but their novelty's worn off. We already know Jack's completely insane, so it's nothing new, though that doesn't mean he still isn't funny. I guess maybe people were expecting something entirely new from him.

Another problem is that these films are taking a Back To The Future approach. In other words, out of the trilogy, the second and third films are direct-direct sequels to one another. This means that the plot is spread out between two films, which then means that this second movie can't stand alone by itself. The third film's gonna determine whether this one is good or great. Finally, even if I found this movie to be great, it wasn't really necessary. The first film was just fine as a stand-alone. When it came out, it had virtually no promotion and it wasn't completely whored out. This film is just cashing in on the first film's surprising popularity. But hey, it's entertaining, so enjoy it for what it is. And don't let the pirate legend bastardizing get to you either, everything bastardized nowadays anyway.

Now I'm going to switch real quick and go all music-reviewer. My subject is Rise Against's newest album, The Sufferer and The Witness. Overall: a good listen, but it's not as good as their earlier stuff. But, as one of punk rock's mainstays that're actually good (Bad Religion takes the cake), the fact that they can still make good stuff is very impressive, especially when you consider the fact that nowadays punk rock seems to be leaning towards teeny-bopper, mainstream pop crap. I would've preferred it if this were one of those albums that you absolutely need to listen from start to finish (like The Flaming Lips's amazing Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots), but c'est la vie I suppose.

So, I'm done reviewing stuff for no reason. I could review my latest pack of gum and cigarettes, but no one's interested in listening. Well, as I've said, my internet was cut last week, or should I say the house's internet, because I'm not the one paying for it. It was good timing for me though, because all that time afterwards I spent being...well, busy. I've been hustling together cash for my one-way ticket...and that's been going terriblely. I've been to the movies a couple of times, I've gone out to eat, and I've been just hanging out and having a bit of not-too-expensive fun. But, in terms of moving out, well, I think my luck's about to change in a bit. I'm going to keep my mouth shut as to why I think this, but keep your eyes peeled guys. I feel a change in the wind, and if it all goes well, then my sense of wind direction's actually pretty good. So, for those of you that pray, keep me in your prayers.

Well, I'm starting to wax philosophical right now, and that's always a bad sign. Oh, for the internet thing, my dad decided that cable internet would be better than DSL, so we switched. I don't see the difference, other than that we had to buy a wireless router and I had a hell of a time setting up our wireless network. Oh well.

for the record

I'm still alive and no, I haven't abandoned this journal yet. I've been extremely busy, and my 'net's been cut since last week till today. I'll make a proper entry ASAP. Thank you for your patience, my lovely readers.

On awesome times

I'm back. Well, I've been back since yesterday, but blogging be damned, I was too tired and too happy to bother writing anything worthwhile. But, here I am now. I had an awesome time just having fun and celebrating my birthday late. I can't seem to ever celebrate my birthday on the day it falls, but hey, at least I did celebrate. It looks like being 19 might be something great. Highlights of the weekend: that I managed to get chopstick holding and using right the first try, so that made me proud. The sushi tasted great. A lot of people think, "ew raw fish", but it tastes great, and the same thing goes for the dumplings. The chicken was good, but it wasn't really sweet or sour. I liked it as much as General Tao chicken. As for the sake...well, it tastes like cold medicine at first. But if you drink it a bit more and after some food, it rubs off. So began inhebriation.

1. I tried smoked salmon sushi, sweet and sour chicken, gyouza dumplings, and hot sake. My best friend, who happens to be Asian, told me that I got the hang of chopsticks really quick and naturally, so that made me happy. Chopsticks aren't all that hard to use, actually.

2. I found strawberry cigarettes in Plaza. FINALLY. I tried cherry and vanilla before, but I wanted strawberry. Man, you can taste the flavor on your teeth for HOURS. Too bad they're too fucking expensive for normal consumption, but it's just as well, I have other things my money needs to go to. Y'know, like plane tickets.

3. I went to Plaza, period. Yeah, it's like the one mall on the whole island that you can enjoy going to even if it's full and even if it takes awhile to find parking. I dunno, I always just enjoy walking around and checking out the sites and the people I might see. I was surprised though, 'cause I caught the eyes of quite a few cute guys. So began hookups.

4. I had more alcohol that weekend than I have since the year began, and I regret none of it. Granted, by Sunday night, I was pretty trashed and hung over and a mess, but I was one happy mess.

5. And I got a couple of random, casual dates. Really, nothing special, because casual hookups aren't really as nice as serious relationships. Sure, you can get off or whatever, but there's just no emotion involved, and if you ask me, having some emotion behind it all makes it much more satisfying. But hey, I won't complain. I had a date last year on my birthday, I'd be damned if I didn't have one this year.

There you have it. I did promise pictures, I realize, but...I left the SD card for my digital camera at home. Just my fuckin' luck. I even bought some batteries too. Well, better luck next time, right?

But I'm not sure. Maybe it's my good mood right now, or maybe it's because of the kickass time I had, but that gut feeling I've been having, the one that tells me that things are going to start changing for the better for me, and that things will start going my way now. That maybe I'll get enough for my plane ticket to Chicago, that I'll be able to start maintaining myself right away, that my love life will be awesome, and that my acting career is going to jumpstart just as soon as I figure out where to start and start working hard at it. Things will work out. That's my gut feeling.

Anyway, I hope my faithful readers are doing okay. I'll check around your blogs soon.



Ohoh, thought I wouldn't come up with something eh? Yeah, this is just nostalgia. I totally remember watching these cartoons or something like that when I was a kid.

On kickass times

I'm officially out for the weekend. I'll be in San Juan tomorrow, and busy Sunday. I might post pictures Monday if I take any that I like, and a fresh entry with some entertaining thoughts.

In the meantime, I've been playing Xenogears. It's like playing an altered game version of the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion. So my brain kinda hurts at this point from the fact that it's extremely confusing and that, thus far, it seems like it's going nowhere story-wise.

Public service announcement:

On...a lotta things

I was going to write this yesterday, but at some point, I completely forgot. So I'll try writing it now. So, since I missed, happy late BBQ day people. I hope you all went to the beach or the mall or lighted illegal fireworks or stuffed yourself with Chinese takeout BBQ. I had a thought of writing perhaps a politically inclined entry in relation to the 4th of July, because, believe it or not, I'm quite left-wing, not-really-pro-American. But hell, I couldn't come up with anything. So let's just forget that, shall we?

Anyway, more importantly, yesterday marked seven months of being kinda not single (long story short, my significant other and I are seriously dating, but we're also casually dating others for a lot of reasons I don't care to write out here). This means that this is the longest a relationship has ever lasted me, and I'm not sure what to think. Actually, the one thing I'd really love to know is what is it I'm doing right this time. I mean, all the other times, I thought I was doing things right, but for one reason or another, the relationships always fell apart. It didn't matter how much or how little time it took...they just did. I could also be cursing myself and have this relationship fall apart today (of all days), but I kinda doubt that.

I think one reason things might've worked out thus far is because we were best friends to start with. He was one of my best friends, and before that we hated each other to death. Funny how things turn out. But a problem that I've found is that most people might jump into a serious relationship with someone and barely know them from the start. That just screams kiss of death, because you have to learn about this person during the relationships, and any disputes and arguments that flare up leave behind indelible scars and marks, to remind you about it later on. At least, when you know the person already, you can avoid touching upon nerves that shouldn't be touched. If you barely know the person, then don't make it so serious to start with, take it slow. Unless something happens like an alien invasion, you have all the time in the world, so why rush?

But, I think a bigger reason this whole deal's worked till now is the fact that he is probably the first significant other I'm completely myself around. All the others before, I might've been myself to an extent, but mostly, I just pretended to be someone else, just to please their fantasies. I guess I was just lonely, and I didn't want things to go wrong, but time and again, things went wrong anyway. With this guy, though, I put aside that mask and charade, and I'm as stubborn and sadistic and twisted and just plain me as I want to be. And, strangely enough, none of it bothers him. I kind of wish I knew why.

So, cheers to seven months.

And, more importantly, cheers to me being 19 years old as of 4am of today. My general thought: damn, I'm still alive, what the hell? So I wonder how things'll turn out from here on out. It's not that I expected to be dead by 19, but I also never knew what to think if I did get to this age. I couldn't imagine it when I was 12, that's for sure. I wonder if I knew I'd be who I am, that I'd be this way way back when. I guess not. I'm both proud and disappointed in how I've turned out, but things like that can't be changed. Thus far, I've gotten a great birthday cake, loads of cash, a brand-new watch, and Xenogears for the PS1. Yes, something new to waste time on as soon as I'm done with my second Kingdom Hearts 2 file.



Sure looks like you guys are though...

On a certain inner dilemna

This entry'll be a quickie. Right now, I'm deciding what to buy myself for my birthday.

Either a Nintendo DS Lite:



Or Guitar Hero:



Being a video game fan is expensive. In the end, I might actually just go buy some new threads and some CDs.

On the ideal hero

I just got back from watching the movie Superman Returns. Now, I'll be the first to tell you. I've never been a fan of the original movies, I've never been a big DC Comics fan, and I certainly have never liked Superman all that much. I've seen the originals a couple times over, but they've never struck a chord with me. Nothing about the mythos that surround the Man of Steel have interested me.

So it came as a very, very, pleasant surprise when this new movie was not just good, not just great, but positively excellent. It's not enough that they kept to the original music and mythos, or that they picked an excellent cast, or that it had an excellent script, or that it had excellent directing. All these things certainly made this movie great, because otherwise...well, it would've sucked. It's how they take this one ideal, this one hero that many have grown to love and worship almost, and gave him his great return to our world. In the movie, there was talk of how the world didn't need Superman, and yet, at one point with Lois Lane, Superman says that he is still needed, because the world still has a long way to go.

That's what hit me most about this movie, the fact that Superman left, but returned because he still had a place in this world, because people still needed him. And that's when I finally learned why Superman has such a huge presence, ever since he got his own comics. People love Superman because they all wish that we could have a hero like him, someone to come save the day when things get tough, someone guide humanity with the dilemnas we still have, someone to always just be there in the nick of time. And yet, this hero, this guy who's not a bird, not a plane, still has his weaknesses like all of us, and is still capable of being hurt physically, but most of all his heart.

Don't most of us wish for someone who'll "always be around"? Especially those of us who've been left behind by someone we care about? I know that's something I want. When I think about Superman like that, I actually feel a little bad for making fun of him. Then again, I can also write an entire entry about how the whole movie is one giant innuendo about homosexuality, because believe me I could see it too. But I can't...the movie just resonated too much with my current thoughts on life and my own desires to branch out and find out who I am and who I should be, and my desire to have freedom and to be a dependable person.

Superman is our ideal hero. He is the hero we wish we had, but more than that, he is the hero we all wish we could be.

On a final note, Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor was positively amazing. He creeped me out. Do you guys have any idea how hard it is to creep me out? And the guy goes and does it.