Saturday, July 22, 2006

On kinda growing up

Wow, I was seriously going to write this yesterday and I forgot. And the day before, and I forgot. I'm not sure why I remembered and am writing it now. I think it was because I got a message in my Gmail account about my traffic reports here, and I was like "oh yeah!" I do this for a lot of things in real life because, in truth, I am an absent-minded, aloof scatterbrain. Anyway, at least I finally remembered.

So, there is this internet forum I've been visiting for over two and a half years now, among four or five others I visit. What can I say, I'm in a lot of places around the internet. Anyway, I've also been an administrator there for a year, and a moderator and head moderator for over a year and a half. When I first joined, I was but a sixteen year old girl, younger and less mature than I am now. And in high school too. I was in 11th grade, which meant I was being piled to death with work. But, despite a crappy computer at home and very little time to actually be on the Internet (plus crappy dialup), I joined, thinking I'd forget all about it in a few days. Wow, was I ever wrong. See, I liked this forum a lot because it was smallish at the time, yet still had a lot of interesting activity from its members. After awhile, I found my niches and stuck to them, whilst meeting some cool people. At the time, it was fun for me, a good way to pass time.

Over the past two and a half years at that forum, I managed to make a good deal of internet friends, garner the respect of nearly everyone by being the little train that could (since I had a habit of always getting back up after failing miserably), and I felt that it was really worth my time (well, what time I had, considering how little time I had to be in the internet at college last semester). And yet, as this month went on, as I'd spent so much time having fun and doing other things, and as I spent time continuing to plan to move to Chicago, I realized that I'd grown up. The forum was still kinda fun, an interesting hangout that I still frequented. But now, it's more out of habit and the fact that the people I like from there are still around themselves. I realized that I just lost interest. It's not really the same place anymore, and all the effort needed to help admin the place didn't have much compensation for me anymore. It was a fun ride, but it was finally over. Also, let's not forget that if I succeed in moving to Chicago, I think I'm going to be really busy with so many things, once I find good standing on my feet. So I decided, I'm done, I quit the staff, see y'all later.

And see, even if it was only an internet forum that will probably (hopefully, the guy who runs the place is a loser with no life) be gone in three years, it's still a place that I spent free time on, just like anything in real life. It's a sad feeling when you realize that you just don't care anymore, and that you've grown up and moved on. I don't think I'm more mature, because I'm not. That won't be for a long while I think. I've just reached a point that now, I want to move on and I want to do new things in life. Slowly, the internet will just become an occasional place of diversion, and basically my medium of downloading illegal music and anime, since I'm too cheap to buy it. Probably porn too, even though I find it too hilariously corny to even get all hot and bothered over it.

This also made me realize that my very reason for wanting to move out is because I've moved on from this place. This town and island has been my home for nine years, and while a lot of bad things happened, a lot of good things happened too. There are too many memories here for me to just sit and recount them all. It's time for me to set my sights on a new place, and to get going with my life. Maybe I should stay and finish college, but that's just my conscious telling me how disappointed my parents will be. I've always truly thought that, while college does increase your chances by tenfold of getting a good job, I'm pretty capable of making it through life without it just fine. I don't know why. Maybe it's blind faith, or maybe it's the truth. I would rather be out and doing other things anyway. Life shouldn't always be lived by the standard: go to college, get a degree, get married to the boyfriend you dated those years, get an office job, have a family of 2.5 kids with a house and a pet, retire at some point, and then die. I'm not interested in it. Well, I would like to get married, but only if I love the guy. Marraige doesn't seem to be about that anymore, but I want my marraige to be about that.

As I move through life, and I leave behind old places and memories in search of new ones, I just hope that I'm always happy with what I'm doing. Actually, I know I'll be happy if I'm doing what I want, and nothing more. Yeah, I'm kinda selfish like that. But hey, if I'm not happy, then I can't make anyone else happy.

I love the guys at Penny Arcade. They sure can do good webcomics.

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