Tuesday, October 31, 2006

On redemption

It's Halloween guys, have a good one. Get tons of candy and get laid too. As for me, I'll be trick-or-treating in just a bit. I figure that, even though I'm going home, I may as well do it, so I can have another fond memory to bring with me.

I realize, though, that I seem to have a faithful audience of readers, but that I myself have been quite lax in reading up on my own favorite blogs. It's seriously on my to-do list though, so sooner or later I'm going to be going through all the blogs I read and do some good 'ol catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup, though embedded in the same processed-tomato goodness). I can't help but feel guilty though. Here I've found my niche of readers, but I don't return the favor as often as I should. Granted, it is a goal of mine to score an interview with El Nuevo Día on its Sunday paper if they ever do a huge feature on Puerto Rican bloggers. I'd have so much fun answering questions. But for me, it's just an issue of common courtesy and politeness. I feel that way about most everything.

But I seem to have a habit of doing that in other situations as well. I'm going home soon, and I'm going to finish what I start. There are a lot of people and things I miss from back home, and I can't wait to see them all again. But I do know that things won't be the same as they were before, since I just up and left with no warning whatsoever. People were happy to see me back in San Juan again in August, and I just left them all hanging. I'm sure most want nothing to do with me right now. And I deserve that kind of treatment. I should've been up front about what I wanted to do and was going to do. I should've told everyone, parents and friends alike. I shouldn't have done what I usually do, making a decision without letting anyone know the context behind it or what it is exactly.

Forgiveness isn't what I want though. I went for something I wanted, for something I believed in. That alone proves that I have drive and ambition, so that when I try again, I'll be better prepared. When I'm doing something I believe in, I do it without a single regret. I don't want forgiveness over what I thought was right.

What I want, though, is redemption, a chance to redeem myself. I want to show that I'm not going to run off again, and that I will finish what I've started. Things won't be the same, and I don't expect them to be. Not everyone will let me have redemption for myself and my actions. But if some of the people I care for the most are willing to let me redeem myself, and if I'm allowed to go back to Sagrado and finish there, then I can show that I've learned and that I'm stronger than I was before. I don't make mistakes twice, and what doesn't kill me makes me a better and wiser person. So I want to show everyone that that's what's happened to me. I really miss my friends at college. They were a good group of people. I just hope they'll welcome me back. Worse than never getting a goodbye is not getting a welcome back.

Boy, but I can't wait till I'm at the gates of Heaven and Peter starts listing off all the shit I've done in my life. That'll be interesting to hear.

1 comment:

carol said...

si cuando vuelvas tus amigos no quieren tener nada que ver contigo, fuck them, they weren't your friends to begin with entonces. en verdad no has hecho nada horrible, so don't worry.