Monday, October 30, 2006

On being used

I feel quite hesitant in even writing this, but hell, it might make for an interesting read, even if it's quite personal.

I think when most people sit down and realize that, throughout the grand majority of their love/sex lives they've been used, they usually go insane. I can't speak for these people because I don't know most of them. I'm just taking a wild guess. As for myself, I came to that realization yesterday, while writing a letter to my now ex-significant other. I just began to think of every single person I've ever been romantically interested in/romantically involved in/sexually involved in, and I thought, "goddamn, have I been used a lot". I've been used as an emotional crutch. I've been used as a diversion. And I've been used for sex now. Among other things. Cynical points +200 now. I must've broken the scale of cyniscism by now.

It's not so much the fact that I've been used a lot that bothers me. What bothers me is that, in romantic endeavors, I've been used far too many times than I probably should've been, and I didn't realize it until it was all over. And, once I realized it, I always feel like a cheap, stupid whore. Let's break it down.

1. Being used as an emotional crutch: This has happened several times, but in different ways. Essentially though, the guy would probably see how nice and sweet and cute I am, take advantage of the fact that I was quite open to relieve the pain of whatever past love they might've had, but they never completely commit. At some point, they get better, and they decide to date some other girl, perhaps girlier and more attractive than myself. This, of course, leaves me hanging and quite bitter.

2. Being used as a simple diversion: Meet. Hook up. Leave. That sums it up.

3. Being used for sex: "I'm still a virgin and I don't want to hook up with girls yet. They'll see how inexperienced I am. Hmm, wait, I have a girlfriend. I think we'll just do the deed, and several weeks later, I'll say that the 'spark' is gone and break up with her. Then, I can hook up with as many girls as I want to!"

I think that more or less is the beginning and end of what I can possibly summarize. In the end though, as I think about it, there really is no such thing as love. It's just us humans constantly using one another for a means to an end. It might be to fill an emotional void, or it might be to get off because we just crave sex that badly. Or maybe we just remind one another of someone we once thought we loved. Or maybe we want bragging rights. Whatever the case is, we don't love, we just think we do. We want to label our emotions somehow, and love seems to be the most appropriate for [insert reason]. We want to have an excuse for our subconscious thoughts and behavior.

But, my own personal solution to that is simple: I don't plan on falling "in love" anytime soon. Instead, I'm going to play the game of karma, and start using men in return for my own romantic and sexual endeavours. I no longer want to be the toy. I'm not going to be anyone's toy. Rather, guys will be my toys.

Hmm. This was a rather cynical entry. Wait, that basically describes this entire blog.


Anonymous said...

Oh, said the magic words.."I dont plan to fall in love anytime soon." So life will throw you a curve and make you fall in I swear its like that.

Its the old joke

-You know how you can make God laugh?


-Tell him your plans.

Anyway...nice to see you blogging more often. You're one interesting, fascinating person....

Di said...

justmeguy: Thanks. =) I'll be blogging more soon, and also posting more in my usual blog hangouts, since I quite miss it.

Genevo said...


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