On redemption

It's Halloween guys, have a good one. Get tons of candy and get laid too. As for me, I'll be trick-or-treating in just a bit. I figure that, even though I'm going home, I may as well do it, so I can have another fond memory to bring with me.

I realize, though, that I seem to have a faithful audience of readers, but that I myself have been quite lax in reading up on my own favorite blogs. It's seriously on my to-do list though, so sooner or later I'm going to be going through all the blogs I read and do some good 'ol catch-up (not to be confused with ketchup, though embedded in the same processed-tomato goodness). I can't help but feel guilty though. Here I've found my niche of readers, but I don't return the favor as often as I should. Granted, it is a goal of mine to score an interview with El Nuevo Día on its Sunday paper if they ever do a huge feature on Puerto Rican bloggers. I'd have so much fun answering questions. But for me, it's just an issue of common courtesy and politeness. I feel that way about most everything.

But I seem to have a habit of doing that in other situations as well. I'm going home soon, and I'm going to finish what I start. There are a lot of people and things I miss from back home, and I can't wait to see them all again. But I do know that things won't be the same as they were before, since I just up and left with no warning whatsoever. People were happy to see me back in San Juan again in August, and I just left them all hanging. I'm sure most want nothing to do with me right now. And I deserve that kind of treatment. I should've been up front about what I wanted to do and was going to do. I should've told everyone, parents and friends alike. I shouldn't have done what I usually do, making a decision without letting anyone know the context behind it or what it is exactly.

Forgiveness isn't what I want though. I went for something I wanted, for something I believed in. That alone proves that I have drive and ambition, so that when I try again, I'll be better prepared. When I'm doing something I believe in, I do it without a single regret. I don't want forgiveness over what I thought was right.

What I want, though, is redemption, a chance to redeem myself. I want to show that I'm not going to run off again, and that I will finish what I've started. Things won't be the same, and I don't expect them to be. Not everyone will let me have redemption for myself and my actions. But if some of the people I care for the most are willing to let me redeem myself, and if I'm allowed to go back to Sagrado and finish there, then I can show that I've learned and that I'm stronger than I was before. I don't make mistakes twice, and what doesn't kill me makes me a better and wiser person. So I want to show everyone that that's what's happened to me. I really miss my friends at college. They were a good group of people. I just hope they'll welcome me back. Worse than never getting a goodbye is not getting a welcome back.

Boy, but I can't wait till I'm at the gates of Heaven and Peter starts listing off all the shit I've done in my life. That'll be interesting to hear.