Thursday, November 02, 2006

On who I'm becoming

I hate the person who's supposed to be me right now. I think it's just best to start this entry off with that statement. Before getting as to why exactly, let me at least cross out any potential reasons you (the readers) maybe thinking of. I don't hate the person I'm becoming because I've done something terribly drastic, such as murdering, stealing, ect. If I had murdered someone, I sure as hell won't be writing it on a public Internet blog for all the world to see. I don't hate the person I'm becoming because of some radical shift the world's taken. In fact, I'll just sum this up by saying that I don't hate the person I'm becoming because of my self-esteem or for any physical action I've done. So I suppose normal psychology is out of the picture here.

I hate the person I'm becoming because the change is a very subtle one, to start off. I haven't been making this huge, drastic change overnight. The essence of who it is I am is the same as it's always been, and I doubt that would ever change unless I inherit the mental diseases that seem to proliferate on my dad's side of the family (even though I apparently already exhibit signs of schizotypal...but to me, that's just a fancy version of the word "weird"). The change that seems to be happening is a very slight one, a very slow one, which exhibit no signs on the outside. Unless a person knows me very well, I doubt they'd even pick up this subtlety. Thankfully, only about five people know me very well. One of those is the one who perhaps instigated this change, but more on that later.

The problem with this subtle change is that, in spite of it being not very obvious, it's completely permeated the way I once viewed some things. I'll admit it straight out. Up until recently, I've been a natural romantic. I'm the type who wants to be married by around 27 or 28, and stay happily in married for the rest of my life, and to continuously love the person I marry. Now though...well, now I want nothing to do with the idea of marraige, with the idea of serious relationships or with the idea of, dare I say it, love. My view now is that it's all a huge waste of time that has no merits in the end, other than heartbreak and depression. In the end, the opposite end doesn't want love or happiness, they just simply want something else out of it, and once done, they just toss you aside as though you meant nothing at all to them.

And right now, all I want to do is give a good punch in the face to my ex-significant other, who started this subtle change in me. You make me believe that love actually exists. You make me believe that you'll never find anyone like me or be as passionate about me as anyone else. And then what happens? All of a sudden, you lose that passion, that spark that made everything seem magical. You do the deed with me, and you toss me to the side. You don't need me anymore. You've used me for what you wanted, and now you're going to fuck as many girls as is possible on any given night. If not for the fact that my views on sex and love do not go hand in hand, I'd hate your guts. Instead, I just feel used, which is probably worse.

So then, the person I'm subtlely becoming, is a person who goes on living, who goes on having fun with friends, who continues to love and care for family and friends and is essentially the same as before. The difference is that I no longer see the point in closely attatching myself to one single person (also called "falling in love"). My mentality now is that I'm going to simply use men the same way I've been used, toss them away when I'm done, and just live like that for the rest of my life.

I'm also ninteen, so that mentality could also very easily change soon and when I least expect it. It's just how I feel right now.

In other news, I bought myself Final Fantasy XII. As soon as I'm back home, with my PS2, I'll play it and tell you guys what I think. Word is, though, that it's absolutely amazing. It better be, since I don't want a FFX repeat here (I can't stand that game).


Anonymous said...

Maravillas he encontrado hoy.

Hello DI, I'm Ciudadanoem and I also live in Chicago. I just found your place in Puerto Blogs. I read through several of your entries and I found them interesting, although a little bit sad and/or depressing. But hey, that's what makes them interesting. I will keep giving you a visit. Saludos.

Di said...

ciudadanoem: Thanks much for reading. =)