Thursday, September 28, 2006

On talking to God

I thought this was kinda cool, so I'm gonna give it a shot before going to bed. This is me, talking to God, aka praying.

Hey God. Been a few days since we've talked, right? Sorry 'bout that. Sometimes, I do wonder if maybe you get tired of listening to the religion-less, existentialist black sheep that is me. I always get the feeling I don't quite deserve your attention, for all the things I've done in life, but here I am anyway, still ready to talk to you.

Anyway, things've been good. Money's tight, as it's been since I got here to Chicago. I've just been scraping by a living, with just enough food and water and insulin and clothes to make it through so far. Still, it'll make for interesting interviews once I reach my goals. Speaking of, I've yet to truly start on the pursuit of my goals. It frustrates me, but at the same time, I know that I also have to bide my time. I know I'm going to make it, but I guess it's these steps leading up to that moment that frustrate the most. I guess I just need to feel things out and take them as they come.

I got hired, you know that. Work's frustrating, because I can't seem to get things right, and it's kind of a reminder of being at home. But, I'm also trying my best to listen and to learn, even if this doesn't seem to be enough either. This is just something I probably have to go through to learn to like myself more. I've got plenty of self-confidence, but I'm still coming up short in the self-esteem department, as I have for a very long time. I just need to learn that not everyone hates me, and to get over my fear of being alone forever. More than that, I guess I'm scared of losing Sam. Even if he doesn't quite love me yet, I love him very much, and I want to keep him by my side as we both work towards our dreams of fame and fortune. I have the feeling that regardless of what happens, I'm going to continue loving him for a very long time. Love's a very complicated emotion, don't you think?

Speaking of, I suppose my relationship with my parents is starting to get on more even ground. A reason I wanted to move out, among many others, was to just kind of get away and stretch my wings. I wanted to estrange myself from them, and I guess I just want room to truly be myself. That doesn't seem to be in the cards though, since I talk to them over the phone now. Talking to Dad always leaves me as an emotional wreck. It might be because he's usually talking to me in a condescending tone, since he doesn't believe that I'm going to reach my goals, and since he seems to think I'm being brutally woken up to the harshness of "the real world". This is confirmed by how he always tells me I can come home at any time. I'm grateful that he leaves the door open for me, but I wish he'd realize that I left for my own reasons. Even if things're hard, I don't mind because this is what I want. Talking to Mom...well, that usually leaves me worse. I don't know what to say to her. Just the other day I was talking to her, and after I hung up, I cried my eyes out watching the beginning of Disney's Tarzan, watching Tarzan as a baby with his serrogate mother. Despite the emotional hell she tended to put me through, I miss my mother.

I just wish I could've been what others wanted me to be. I wish I knew where I'd gone wrong in life to turn out the way I did. If I'd just been what I was supposed to be, maybe there'd be less problems, and maybe my parents would be proud of me, and maybe I wouldn't have been the black sheep. But I know this doesn't matter. Sam told me himself. Just because I don't fit the mold doesn't mean that I went wrong anywhere in life. It just means that I'm meant to do something different, and who knows, that something different might be something great, something that'll shake the world and change it. I want to change the world somehow. Not in an earth-cracking way, but subtlely, in a way that people quietly remember who I was and what I did. More importantly, I want to make my parents proud, and I want them to see that my decision was the right one in the end.

But that's enough of me rambling. Watch over those I love and care for. And thanks for placing a guardian angel to watch over me. I would've never found my way after losing sight of it if she weren't around. And I'm glad you're watching over me, even though I don't really deserve it.

Love, Di.


Guili said...


carol said...

don't ever feel bad for choosing to pursue your own goals instead of pleasing other people (ie your family) because as much as we want to see them happy and pleased with us, we have to do what we want to do, cuz that's the only way we're gonna be happy.

justmeguy said...

Not fitting the mold is a good thing.