Sunday, November 26, 2006

On snow

I've come to realize that I've come full circle from this time last year. I started a certain way, and now I'm ending that same certain way. So I'm going to write with no inhibitions, and with no fear of what people will say/comment.

I still remember that night, when Rob told me that he liked me. For the record, I'm calling him Rob like everyone else from now on. I might still love him, but I have to break away from those feelings if I want to move on. Calling him Sam was part of that (and part nostalgia). But more on that later. Anyhow...I couldn't believe it when he told me. A guy like him would like a girl like didnt' seem to make sense. But I liked him back. So it was all okay. It was better than okay, it was great. The ten months that happened afterwards were memories that I'll hold close to my heart for a long time. If there is a positive thing I can say I gained, it's that I learned to accept myself a little more. I might not be the best person, and I might be good for nothing, but I am who I am, and I can't change that. There are good things about me and there are bad things about me, but I just focus too much on the bad things for whatever the reason.

I don't think he ever loved me during that time though. He might've liked me, he probably cared about me, but love, probably not. Yet, I believed that we had a good thing going. I believed we'd be together for a long time. Comparing to other guys before him, I felt comfortable, like I could be myself and it was fine. From time to time, he'd say weird things that'd throw me off, but I kept it to myself and let it slide because I felt that they were silly things anyway. I let him come closer to the real me and to my heart than I'd let anyone else. I didn't want to love him because I knew he didn't love me. I just wanted to like him. But I fell in love with him anyway. And I loved him. I gave my heart out, because I felt that I finally could. I hadn't done that with anyone before. That's also the reason I decided my first time would be with him.

But, just as I remember the day he told me he liked me, I also remember the day he broke up with me just as well. I was happy to hang out with him, as usual, doing whatever to kill off boredom. But then he pulled me aside, and told me we had to talk. I knew what he was gonna way before he even said it. He said that he didn't want to be in a serious relationship anymore, that the passion he had for me was gone. He said I was a cool girl, that he'd still support me, but as a friend. I asked him if it was anything I did. After a moment, he said no. But I know he was lying. Of course it was me. I'm always "one of the guys". I'm not girly enough. I don't find it necessary to strike up conversation for no reason. I was no good. We made love, and now I was no good. I wish I hadn't cried in front of him. I should've just run to his room, grabbed my stuff, and left without looking at him in the eye again. What he might not have realized is that, I might be "one of the guys", and I might be tough and strong and independent on the outside...but on the inside, I have the feelings and emotions of any other girl. I get hurt. My heart can be broken. And that's what happened.

But I saw it coming. I could feel him disconnecting since a couple weeks before. I thought he was just having bad days, because that sort of thing could happen to anyone. But that was just a lie I told myself, so I could keep hoping that maybe he still wanted me. Maybe if I'd just asked directly and ended it myself it might not have hurt as much. But I held on as tight as I could, because I didn't want to lose him. I loved him. I wanted us to last for a long time. But why couldn't that be so? Where did I go wrong? Where did we go wrong? I still don't have all the answers.

For at least a week, I didn't know what to do next. I don't think Manda noticed if I was even depressed at all. I'm sure she knew that something was wrong though, especially since I stopped bringing Rob up in normal conversation. I didn't want to think about him. I'd think about his face, his smile, his lips, his voice, and I'd push it away just as fast. But, I already knew. I was too broken to keep on going the way I was. If I did, I'd just get worse and worse...and I didn't want that. I knew that coming home wouldn't be without retributions, but I had to make amends I decided to come home, and pick life back up where I left it as best I could. So I'm home now. In the end, I was right. Coming home was a good decision.

But not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I'll just be daydreaming on my bed listening to music, and our song'll pop up, and I'll think of him again. I still love him. Lots of people have told me things like, "it's his own mistake, he doesn't know a good thing when he sees it", or "you shouldn't let a prick get in your way", or "you're better than him, you'll find someone who'll appreciate you". It's just proof that, really, no one seems to quite understand how hurt I am, nor how much I still love him. If they did, they wouldn't say things like that. I love him more than words can express...but he doesn't love me. He never has loved me. It's all one-sided. It's the cruelest form of unrequited love you can imagine, because you still love the person who broke your heart because he wished to be cruelly selfish and immature.

Actually, I kind of like someone right now. But, true to my luck, he got himself a girlfriend recently. And I think he just loves me as a sister of sorts. I'm just no good, huh? No matter what it is I want, or what it is I decide, it's just not right. It's not just in love or guys. It's in everything. Going to college wasn't right. Moving out wasn't right. I'm back home, and the plan I have is to live, work and study in San Juan, but that will probably end up not being right either. And here I'm just going to continue letting my heart fall apart and just let myself go in worthless one-night-stands with men I won't even remember in a week. I've been quite blessed in life, and extremely lucky, but ever since I graduated from high school, nothing seems to fall into place anymore.

It's just no good anymore. Nothing I do does any good. All I want right now is for him to like me again (not love, he didn't love me). Or for all the memories I have of him to just go away. Or for me to forget it all. Or for me to just stop loving him. You all think, oh wow you're so cool and awesome and amazing and independent and tough. No, I'm none of that. Just realize that I'm nothing. I already have.

So, that was supposed to make me feel better, and it didn't. Hell, I'm going back to FFXII. Also, some time this week, I will write a less depressing entry. More than likely, it will be video game-centered, since much has happened in the industry, and I feel I should rant and verbally beat Sony to death write about it.


Frida, la gata maligna said...

Incluso sentir que nada cae en su lugar es parte del proceso de caer en su lugar. Ya veras que con el tiempo todo nos sirve para aprender destrezas que te ayudarán a sobrepasar otras cosas más fuertes. Para olvidar un amor no es olvidar a la persona, porque eso no funciona. Es sencillamente aceptar lo bueno que te dio, siempre nos dan algo, nos enseñan cosas de nosotros mismos. Coger lo bueno, desechar lo malo y seguir hacia adelante. Para todo hay tiempo, incluso para sentirse mal, extrañar. Lo importante es tomar el sentimiento, exprimirlo, vivirselo, sentirlo en la mano y soltarlo. Mis mejores vibras. En unos meses te reirás de los peces de colores.

Anonymous said...

Dear Di: Me haces recordar el jovencito que fui hace a penas unos cuántos años atrás. Cuando me sucedió algo muy parecido a tu asunto, también estaba acabadito de graduarme de la high y, quizás como tú, pensaba que sabía todo lo que tenía que saber. Ahora, a penas unos nueve años después, como indica Friday, me río de lo lindo por lo mucho que, para ese tiempo, me faltaba por "crecer". Mira, si quieres léete este anti-poema ( y verás que, algunas veces, el que ríe último ríe mejor. Mucha suerte.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, el link no salió completo.

Anonymous said...

"Allí hubo poesía"
Nov. 3, 2006