Thursday, September 14, 2006

On walking that fine grey line

Even though it's been a year and a couple of months since I became a bona-fide legal adult, I don't think the weight of what that means ever really registered. I knew that I was no longer a kid, and that slowly, but surely, I'd be finding my way into the world, for better or worse. It didn't even hit me last month as I boarded the plane from San Juan to Chicago. It's not that I was ignoring the fact that I have responsibilites now, or that, in the pursuit of my goals and dreams, there would be a lot of times in which I'd be scraping by a living. I knew all this, and it did register. I just didn't see how it was a very big deal. To me, it was simply the way things had to progress. Nothing more, nothing less.

So then I wonder why the fine grey line between adolescence and adulthood became more apparent after I lost my virginity very recently. Ho shit, I bet you all thought I was a non-virgin already. Never assume anything, my dear readers. Anyway, I finally decided that the time was right, and that I'd finally found someone suiteable. For the record, I wasn't terribely picky. My criteria: a. it should at least be someone I know; b. it'd be even better if I was friends or dating the person; and c. no one-night-stands as my real first time. Other than this, though, I simply figured that at some point, I'd lose my virginity, and that would be that. And yet, losing it turned out to be my defining mark. Not turning 18, not getting into college (and hence, getting constantly drunk), not smoking or taking on bigger responsibilities or taking the plunge to move out on my own, none of that.

I actually consider this a good thing. Since I waited to lose my virginity, rather than taking the chances that I'd gotten in high school, I lost it when I was more mentally mature and more able to realize and comprehend its consequences. It didn't end up becoming someting random, or a means to an end. I'll have a fond memory of the experience, and if I ever become suicidal enough to have kids, I can tell them about this, and they can see too that sex isn't everything when you're 14-18 years old. In the end, sex shouldn't be seen as something wholly sacred or something to be saved for your "one true love". That's how love should be seen. It's funny how people always fantasize about what their first time might be like, and yet they constantly throw around the word love without realizing that this word carries more weight than sex does. Sex comes and goes, but love doesn't, not the real kind.

It also goes without saying that I'm not the "wait till marraige" type. Anyone with a brain knows how antiquated that is anyway. Plus, no one really values marraige anymore. You date someone for awhile, you marry 'em, and then, the moment things aren't working, you divorce. So why bother saving it for then? Though it is my own personal hope that if I ever get married, we stay married. I don't particularly like the idea of dying alone and single. But well, at least I won't die a virgin.


justmeguy said...

This is a really honest, wonderful post. Di, you are wise beyond your years. I am very happy to see how you approach life in such a mature, thoughtful way.

Di said...

justmeguy: Thanks. This might just mean that as I get older, I'll just be one of those cool adults. =)