On cutting the strings that bind us

I've gotta say, I love December here in Puerto Rico. The temperature drops to such a nice level that it feels comfortable. I always know that Christmas is officially afoot when a nice breeze starts blowing through my window, the one next to me. Or well, y'know, when stores and malls put out insane sales that turn people into savage animals almost. And for those that think it only happens on our fair island, fear not, it happens in the US too (and at times, is far worse). Seriously, I'm going to find the bastard that came up with the concept of "After Thanksgiving Sale" and punch them in the groin. If the person is male. If the person is female, then I'll punch their breasts.

Very recently, a girl that I spent a summer with, when I was about four or five, messaged me on MySpace, asking if she remembered who she was. She was my grandmother's neighbor, in the barrio of Minillas in San Germán, and some time later, she would move to Sabana Grande. She's some years older than me, I think by about four. That summer, we spent every day playing and doing random things. It was really fun and it made that summer much more exciting than it might've been. Our friendship could've gone a couple of different ways from there. We might've kept hanging out if my father had decided for sure that we were going to stay in San Germán. I remember that my parents even took me to Colegio San José to enroll me in kindergarten. If my family was, instead, returning to Germany (because my father was still in the Army), or if we were to move to Conneticut with my father's youngest brother, then we would've just kept writing to each other. As it turns out, we ended up in Conneticut, mainly because my father left the Army, so my friend and I became pen pals.

After awhile, though, we finally stopped writing, since we were each going in our separate ways. Though I'd think about her from time to time, I figured she might've forgotten all about me. Now, here's were things go a little "wait, wow, really?" Last year, when I was but a Sagrado freshman, slightly confused but not entirely lost (and I thank high school for that), among the many people I met, one of them goes by the name Paco. I suppose the relationship the two of us have are that of brother-sister, kind of. Anyway, the point was, I heard him talking about his girlfriend, who lives in Arizona, a couple of times, but I didn't pay much attention (perhaps because I was trying to sleep in between classes). Later, last Christmas, we had a quickie conversation over the phone, and he says that he's in Sabana Grande, spending time with his girlfriend and her family, who lives there. Though I was curious, I still didn't ask.

Then, I noticed on his MySpace that his #1 was a girl named Zeliann. The name hit me, because that was the name of my friend from years gone by. I had wanted to ask a bit more about her to Paco, but I kept putting it off because I felt that I might be wrong. Then, finally, a week ago, she messages me. And it turns out that I was right; this was the same girl I'd met so many years ago, who was dating someone we both met in completely different ways. I guess you can say I was more than a little surprised. I mean, this is one of those wild coincidences that almost never happen, and yet serve to make the world fill just a little smaller than it might be.

I think that it's a little ironic, though. Since I moved to Puerto Rico when I was ten, I'd done my best to cut the ties of my past. I'd only recently started thinking about it more when I played Final Fantasy XII, and learned about the character Balthier. Balthier is the sort of character that appears to be calm, cool and collected almost all the time, dashing and charming and not the type to permit others to tell him what to do or where to go. Yet, deeper down, he shows remorse for the path he's taken, and an intense desire to run from the path, to cut those strings for good, and instead, his past comes running after him, and is clearly the faster one. I think that's what's happening to me now.

In fact, now that I think about it, why am I trying to cut my past out? I can't even remember the reason. Maybe I just hated the person I used to be, and just wanted to get away from everything that had become attached to my memory of the person. If that's the case, though, then I'm always going to look for ways to severe ties, because I'm not particularly fond of who I am now. Hence, the entire premise and background of this blog, in title, sub-title and what my lil' sidebar now says. I'm trying to fix myself, but at the same time, not really. I simply just put out my usual self on, the one that's aloof and independent and rebellious and absent-minded, and I go about my day to day life. Yet, if and when the opportunity presents itself again, and this time when I'm more mature to handle it, I know that I'd try to cut my past out again, and this time for good.

But maybe, just maybe, I feel this way because I've already learned that home really is where the heart is, and doesn't need to be tied to a specific place or events. If I can say with conviction that my heart is content, wherever it is that I am and whatever I happen to be doing, then I'm home. I think, also, that I'd like to find someone to call home, even if I'm greatly cynical towards that concept at the moment (since I tried and failed miserably at that). Still, maybe I just need to keep on going forward in life, not looking back at the past that will always tie me with a string, until I find the solution that works best for me.

I like the December breeze here a lot, almost as much as the beaches here. Maybe that's home for me. I also plan on seeing Zeliann when she's visiting family in Sabana Grande. We sure have grown up.

On an unrelated side note, I'm still tinkering with my layout. In other words, I need to put in the footer, and make the text a little bigger for the visually impaired. :) I made a more comprehensive about me page.

On the march of time

No, seriously, this is why I really need to get back to updating this blog at least three times a week. I ignore it, and then I have the problem of thinking of how best to organize my thoughts in a somewhat cohesive manner (even though I myself am not a very cohesive person 99.9% of the time). See, I don't think I have ADD...but I do recognize that I have a short attention span. So unless I'm focusing all of my brain, it's impossible for me to be cohesive. Right now, I'm writing this as I write in my LiveJournal and as I consider where I should go next in Final Fantasy XII.

But, then again, there's a good place to start, Final Fantasy XII. For those of you in the audience who play video games and play RPGs (all three of you), you're more than likely familiar with the Final Fantasy series. Most people say it's the best series out there with the best games, ect ect, but that is not my opinion. Personally, the best one (and perhaps the most beautiful RPG ever created) is Final Fantasy VI, for the SNES (with a PS1 remake and soon a GBA remake). FFVII is overrated, FFVIII had a stupid plot, and FFX had crappy characters with a plot that I hate. I don't have anything on FFIX, I love that game. Now, since FFXII had been in development for five years, I had my doubts on this game. But wow, was I wrong to doubt it. I think I love this game almost as much as I do FFVI. It's beautifully made graphically, with the CGs being far better than the CG in FFVII: Advent Children. And the plot...talk about intelligent and cohesive. The characters are all likeable, and not a single one has made me cringe in a "oh sweet Jesus what is he/she thinking?!"

In terms of mechanics, it plays like an offline MMORPG. This is both good and bad. It's good because it means that battles are very quick and rely on efficiency. This is also bad, because it's as hard as an MMO. I've spent 30+ hours on the game, and I'm not even half-way through, because I need to devote half of my time to leveling up and getting loot to sell to buy spiffy equipment and weapons. I wouldn't have such a problem with gil (FF's currency) if enemies dropped it along with loot, but sadly, that's not the case. As for character's stats and such, all six party members are more or less even, but each character is more suiteable for one role than another. This also applied to weapons (I can't imagine having Penelo using guns, something Balthier uses as default). As for difficulty, this game is not the cakewalk FFX was for about 80% of the time. You will break a sweat trying to beat these bosses, starting from the very first one. Strangely, this doesn't bother be, because I spend $50 for a game, it better damn well be worth my time. So, overall, it comes SO close to topping FFVI as my all-time favorite, but I need to beat the game to decide for sure on that.

Asides wasting time on Final Fantasy XII, life has been moving at a good pace for me. Much of my time has been divided between getting everything together for the January semester in Sagrado, looking for a part-time job in the San Juan area (specifically, Plaza las Américas) and keeping the house together while the family's out during the day. In Sagrado, where I was once a Theater major, I'm now majoring in Producción y Mercadeo para la Radio. I realized that, as much as I love acting and the theater, I'll be living in a box with the amount of pay I'd get from doing it. Radio is something I both like and can give me a steady salary once I'm finished. But I do plan on getting a minor in Proyección Escénica, so my Theater classes won't go to waste. I don't know, but between you and me, I find it strange that I study in Sagrado. It's the most expensive university on the island, and hence, is a haven for rich kids and whatnot. The student body and the atmosphere are the exact opposite of me, which makes me wonder why I didn't just study in UPR in Río Piedras. Maybe I like being weird. That, and the education in Sagrado is pretty damn good anyway.

As for the part-time, I've applied at Borders, Claire's, Journey's, The Children's Place and PacSun. I already had an interview with Borders, and they informed me that they'd call me in January, when I said I was available, to tell me if I've been hired or not. Everywhere else, I'm still waiting. If I don't get hired, I guess I'll just do work-study, because part of the reason I want the job while I study is to help pay off my studies (plus spending cash). I think I might get work-study even if I get hired, because the more I earn to pay off whatever I owe, the better it'll be for my parents. If it ends up like that...I'm more than likely not to even be able to relax till Thanksgiving next year (since I plan on taking summer class as well). Still, I won't really mind, because I like to be busy and do different things.

Another thing I'll be doing (God forbid if I can find the time) is working out at night at Sagrado's gym. I've been working out almost ever since I've come back home, since I realized that the only way to stay the weight I am now (160lbs) is to work out, since I'm actually eating food now. Personally, I'm lazy and I hate sweating, but I'm doing it because I should. I want to get back in shape, at any rate. In terms of what I do 'round the Internet, I've been detaching myself from my usual forums and such, mainly because I won't have time for it anymore, and because I want a disconnect. I still do plenty of blogging though. My LiveJournal is the one I usually update with most frequency, since that's my personal journal. My other blogs vary. I'll be updating this one more often, as I come up with more things to write/rant about. I guess I just haven't had the motivation for it lately, and I simply felt the need to update this blog's audience on how my life goes.

As for relationships and all that, I'm not quite sure what to say. I've got a date practically set up next month when I move back to Sagrado's dorms, which will involve seeing a movie, then probably hooking up and having sex. The guy's cool, and I've known him since 2005, when I started in Sagrado. But there're a couple of problems. The first, smallest problem is the fact that I kind of like another friend of mine, who (as my infamous luck would have it) is taken. I'm not the type of bitch to steal guys who are taken (though I am a bitch in many other aspects), so I'm trying to content myself with staying good friends with the guy. The second, also pretty small problem, is that, with the guy I've got the date with, I'm not sure where I want to go with it, if anywhere at all. I had the same problem the first time around (yes, I did go out on a date with him previously).

And the last, very very big problem, is my current state of unrequited love with my ex. See, I thought I'd be over him by now, because I've always been over my previous ex's after a few weeks. But, here I am, almost two months later, and I can't seem to get over him, hard as I try. I've got a very bad case of unrequited love here, and I'm not sure what to do about it. The main problem here, though, is that I want to be over him, so I can stop being cynical, bitter and (sometimes) depressed (since I'm none of these, most people will tell you I'm a very sweet person). But, at the same time, I want to hold on anyway because I still love him very much, like we humans tend to do at times with people. It's even harder now, since I learned, through a mutual friend of ours, that he doesn't seem to be fine with the break-up either. I thought he would be, since his reasons for ending the relationship were because he didn't feel passion for me anymore, and that he didn't want a serious relationship anymore. I figured he'd be having the time of his life. To learn that he's feeling hurt too...I can't quite describe it.

Finally, last but not least, new music recommendations! Or just recommendation. I've been listening to a lot of The Red Paintings lately. They're an Australian band, and I saw them live at first when I saw The Dresden Dolls at The Vic in Chicago. I'd been meaning to download music by them, but only recently did I see anything on LimeWire. They're amazing, they're the exemplification of the experimental genre, mainly for their usage of visual art in both their CD covers and their live shows. When I saw them live, they were dressed as Japanese geishas, squids and ghosts. And their music is beautiful. I keep listening to their track called Walls, since they played it live. It still gives me the same feeling, the feeling of just being lifted from your body and getting lost. I also recommend World Leader Pretend. It's great indie rock.

I believe that's the majority of what I intended to express. I now leave you all with this.



Come on, it's cute! The moogles in FFXII are adorable. I wish I could ask for a live one for Christmas, but they're not real...