On moving forward

So. It's been...a month, since I last wrote anything in this blog. I do apologize. I'm not sure if I've got an audience reading this anymore since I don't update this as regularly as I should, but this blog does exist for a reason. That reason...er, being to...uh, write and uh...stuff. Boy that was eloquent.

Anyhow, I've been busy. Among other things, I've been taking class, getting wasted, working out, flirting around, watching movies, relaxing, hanging out with my friends, and overall being your average college student/nerd who's also one of the guys. I didn't really intend for it to happen, but during the course of this semester, I've suddenly found myself becoming the "alpha-female" of the group I hang out with, which is usually a bunch of guys. I have female friends too, but I don't hang out with most of them, just a few. I don't really mind though, since I've long considered myself to not really have a mental gender per se. All I have is a sexual preference towards a particular gender, with occasional interest in the other gender. I don't know if this good or bad, since it doesn't really land me any decent dates, but I suppose it could be worse. I at least give it credit for contributing to my creative and out-of-the-box way of thinking.

So, as of now until the end of June, I'm at home on vacation. Much as I like my scholarly and social life, this is a much-needed break I needed. I did manage to do exceedingly well this semester, passing everything expect Estadísticas 1 (which I dropped) with an A. Kickass, if I do say so myself. But I also wanted this time to really sit and think about...well, what else, the one man I've fought tooth and nail to move on from all semester, my lovely ex. It's not to say I wasn't doing anything about this already. I moved back home for physical distance, I cut off contact, I cut my hair short so as to symbolically spit into his belief that women with short hair are dykes, I've hooked up with a few random men to prove to myself that I could be with men without emotional attatchments, I've made new friends, I started working out...the vast majority of what I did, and didn't do, this semester was so I could move the fuck on.

Yet, something was still amiss, despite my efforts. I didn't know what though. To be sure, I held (hold?) a huge grudge against him, and couldn't even think about him without wishing nothing but horrible misery on his existence. But no matter what I did, I just couldn't feel free from him. It was like an invisible chain tied me to him and his memory, the memories I had of him. I suppose it was there for a lot of reasons, but mainly, it was because he was the first guy I could honestly say I loved. Hurrah for true love. But he meant a lot of things to me, and getting over it took more effort than I would've ever liked. I just didn't get myself, really.

So, 'member when I mentioned getting wasted among the activities I mentioned up there? Yeah, so, a couple of weekends ago, to help celebrate the end of the semester, one of the things me and my friends did was buy alcohol and go to one of my friend's apartment and get drunk. Long story short, I did more than 12 shots of 151 rum, along with Smirnoffs and daiquiri and got totally smashed. The reason, though I wouldn't realize it until later, was because I found out that the guy I liked, Gian, had a girl of sorts. They were constantly making out. Much as I liked the girl, I wanted to shove her down some escalators. So I was trying to numb the pain out, go self-destructive tendencies. Anyway, during all that, I called up my ex, and finally said what I'd been dying to tell him for months: that I hate him and his guts and that I wish he'd just do me a favor and die off.

The next day, sobering up and whatnot, I remembered this (and a few other convoluted pieces, because shortly after that, I passed out). And I thought about it a little. I realized that, really, I wasn't actually mad at him anymore, nor did I hold that much of a grudge against him. In fact, all I was hating was the fact that my pride was hurt, and that my feelings were torn to shreds. And I realized, man I'm stupid, this is the invisible chain binding me down? All at once, that chain broke off and I became free as a bird once again, the way I should be. It felt (and still feels) pretty nice.

Since then, I've shaped up a bit. I'm not sleeping with anyone at all, not until I can be sure I'm in a good, actual relationship with a great guy. I'm taking my health seriously, doing all that I can to eat right and keep my blood sugar levels stable. I'm working out harder than ever, and the results are starting to show since I'm shedding the weight I gained this semester from my rampant drinking. And, once again, I feel like I can take on the world and fight anyone and anything till I make it to the top. I think my chances of getting married or being in another relationship are slim to none...but it doesn't matter too much to me at the moment anymore. I'll deal. Life is, after all, no cabaret.

On another note, I saw the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Twice. It's that good, I swear it is. I might write a review tomorrow or the day after.

Finally, I believe today is the one year anniversary of this dear blog of mine. I'm still alive and typing. That's always a good sign.

On putting the pieces together

So, to all you Christians out there who practice this in some way, I hope you have a good Holy Week? I dunno, I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to tell people to go ardently do what they believe in when it comes to Holy Week. Christmas is fine, I just say Merry Christmas. Holy Week's another story. Maybe Happy Easter would do it? I guess this is the trouble of being a misfit agnostic. Or, more precisely, of not having a religion due to the fact that I don't believe in the institute of religion. I could go on and on about this, but I think my religious views can be saved for another blog entry.

The upside of Holy Week is that, well, I've got the whole week off. It's the Puerto Rican version of spring break I guess. Except that, unlike most spring break people, I'm not off partying. I'm just spending the week unwinding and being way more boring than during a school week. It's sort of twisted and fucked up logic, but well, it works for me. Seeing as I don't have plans for the week so far that I know, and I am doing my best to unwind, basically all this free time gives me a chance to think. I mean, okay, I already think a little too much to begin with, but with the absence of usual worries like going to class, getting work done, not falling asleep, going out, and all that, I can think of other things.

SO I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS WHAT IS ONE THING THAT'S BEEN ON MY MIND. Well, it's not exactly the topic of love per se. It's more like, I'm trying to analyze and put the pieces together of one guy in particular. As I'm sure I've mentioned, I've currently got my eye on a guy nicknamed Gian. That's fine and good. I'm not denying it to myself right now anymore. I know I like the guy for a lot of reasons. But what I keep turning over and over in my mind right now, actually, isn't whether or not I like him, or why I like him. Right now, what I'm trying to do is figure out his stance on me.

Now, this could sound simple. But, Gian is a very...complex guy, so to say. I mean, he's a guy, so there're a lot of things he's not complicated about (sex, being a dickhead, food). It's more when you try getting down to a deeper level. It's so very clear that he doesn't let on to what he's really thinking at least half the time. And he's also very smart, which is something you wouldn't noticed since él se viste como un tirao and isn't the most applied student on earth. I have made the effort to get to know him more. I like talking to him, and whenever he asks me how life is, I tell him and ask him back, or vice versa. And I took the opportunity a couple of weeks back to ask him a couple of things I was curious about, over beer and smokes. Oddly enough though, when he asked me who I liked, I refused to tell him. (I'm still smacking myself over that.)

But I can't really tell what he thinks about me exactly. I guess he thinks I'm a good friend. I know he doesn't hate me. Beyond that, though, I have no idea. The reason I'm so confused is that, since he's smart (and a cunning bastard), he has a habit of outsmarting me and of getting under my skin. Sometimes, he might say this or that that makes me hit him. Sometimes he'll be nice. Most of the time he'll tease me or purposely provoke me. But the killer is this. Two times, in a group of people (the second time when we went out drinking), he's said, for no reason (or so I thought), "Ah, creo que Di me odia". I don't think I said anything the first time he did that, but the second time, I said, "Uh, dude, no I don't hate you, I like you quite a bit. You're the one who hates me". And I found out he doesn't hate me due to the fact that he said, "De dónde diablos sacas eso?" But, what I wouldn't think about until much, much later, is that he was probably playing dumb to figure out where I stood, since I didn't tell him when he asked me directly.

Overall, I'm still slightly annoyed, because it means he outsmarted me AGAIN. But more than annoyed, I'm trying to figure out what to do to see where he stands now. I can't bet against him (I've learned my lesson never to bet against that fucker again). So I don't know how to get around his defenses and render him to my feet. I like the challenge, though. I always like it when I come across a guy who's a challenge. But it's also frustrating since I hate to lose. I had a tarot card reading the other day, and one suggestion from the cards was to stop with the strategy and the subtlety and be direct about it. But I just wonder how to be direct since I really don't enjoy rejection when it comes to dating. I'm really just not sure. Actually, I think I should talk to my friend Gabe once the week's over and class stars up again. He usually has good advice and an inherent sixth sense. So I might figure out what I could (and should) do by then.

It's quite strange though. I'm not betting everything I have on this dude, but I've turned down the last three guys who've asked me out on dates. I don't know why either. It would've been a sure-fire shot at getting laid at least, and I would've gone out and had some fun in the process. And yet, I said no to these guys. I really, really don't know why. Well, if I figure it out, I'll get back to you guys on that.

So, happy Easter. Get loads of those Peep marshmallows.

On social constructions

I think the thing most people tend to never realize is the fact that to have sex with someone, you don't necessarily even have to like the person, much less even love them. To have sex with a person, loving them is not a prerequisite.

So then, why is it that society perceives this as the day-to-day norm? This can probably be answered by the fact that love itself is a social construction. El amor es una construcción social, hecho por la sociedad. Though how society shapes the definition of this social construction varies over time and culture, its essence is always the same. The reason for this is because to be in love or to feel love for someone is defined by society, and the whys and hows are usually driven into people subconsciously. Point in case, why white people usually date white people, why rich people date rich people, ect.

Sex, then, as it fits into this particular social construction, is supposed to be an act of love between two people who are supposed to be married (or get married or live together), and will spend the greater part of their lives together. So let's destroy this concept bit by bit. First, marriage itself is slowly (very slowly, but surely) fading out of the norm. It's still widely practiced, obviously. But it's becoming a little antiquated, mainly because we humans are finally realizing that monogamy isn't something that comes natural to us. We can pretend all we like that when we're in a relationship we only have eyes for that person, but let's be honest, if someone you find attractive is around, those eyes are going to wander, least of all.

Second, as I already mentioned, humans are not monogamous. The reason for this is because we fall into the category of mammals in the greater kingdom that is nature. So, fun fact, ten percent of mammal species are monogamous. Humans fall in the other ninety percent. So the thought of being with only one person in your life, much less having sex with just one person, doesn't quite fit into nature's plans. And let's face it, sex is something humans need, not just to procreate, but as an actual physical necessity. If you're the type of zealot Christian who believes in celibacy before marriage, that's your problem. For my part, I intend to satisfy this human need whenever I feel I should, like eating and showering and such.

Finally, to completely smash these outdated notions of monogamy and celibacy, is this: Love is a social construction. It was invented by society to justify sex. Let's not beat around the bush here, when done right, sex and orgasms are the best feelings on earth. Humans are scared of this though. It feels good, but it feels too good. So it has to be justified somehow. And it can't be justified by saying that it's to procreate, because humans have reached the point that sex is needed for more than that, as I mentioned. Us, dolphins and certain species of monkeys know this. So in order to feel better about sex and lust and wanting someone, we invented love, despite the fact that to fuck a whore, all you need is to have your reproductive parts intact and the right state of mind.

I'm not saying love doesn't exist or is entirely useless. I just don't believe in it in the way society defines it, which is love towards one person above others. Love isn't like that at all. Love can be felt towards anyone in different ways and shapes. I love a lot of people, but the way I love each person is completely different, as is the degree. I'm perfectly capable of hooking up and having sex with most of my guy friends, but does that make me a whore? No, it makes me human, and that's the main thing people don't get. Though, to be fair, women do get the raw end of the deal. While casual sex is quite accepted among men, usually when women partake in it, society deems them whores, sluts, ect. Men know this, but they promise eternal love to get into most womens' pants. And women tend to think that they're worth nothing if they're not with a guy. That's where I draw the big, fat line. If you need someone to love in order to fit into society, because otherwise you're not worth a damn thing, then you're simply a shallow, hollow human being, with no substance to hold on to, and with a very screwed perception of what love is.

So then, what's my stance? I think it's already quite obvious. I don't think love is remotely necessary to have sex. It's a human want and need, therefore if I need to satisfy it, I will. I won't sleep with people I don't know, nor will I have one night stands. If any of this makes me a slut in society's eyes, then society can go fuck itself. And what about love? Well, just as I am agnostic when it comes to religion, I don't really believe in love anymore. Or at least, not the way it's commonly defined. To be much more precise, I can't believe in love, because I still can't forget my ex-boyfriend. I'm perfectly capable of liking and crushing on guys still, but the whole deal of serious relationships doesn't seem worth the trouble at the moment. If and when someone comes along and shows me that he's worth the time and effort, I'll reconsider my stance.

This entry is brought to you by lack of sleep. It was also inspired by some conversations I had with friends today.